


Everything I Wanted

by callmebyyourmango



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged up: like 17, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, I promise it’s not gonna be sad, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Killua is so oblivious it lowkey gets annoying, M/M, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Trigger warnings will be mentioned when they apply, implied transphobia (Zoldycks suck ass), still in high school, these bitches are gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:54:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 60,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28018845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmebyyourmango/pseuds/callmebyyourmango
Summary: In which Gon Freecs shows Killua Zoldyck why it’s important to keep living.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Killugon - Relationship, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 279
Kudos: 350





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts and implied/referenced abuse is in this story. I will be sure to mark these as trigger warnings in the beginning of each chapter if applicable. 
> 
> in the prologue, the thoughts end with “Gon shrugs...”

Not for the first time, Killua Zoldyck felt ashamed to cry so freely. Tears slide down his reddened cheeks, dripping from his chin into the emptiness below. They mix with the dark harsh waves. Wind gently pushes his ivory hair, keeping his bangs out of his eyesight. He had a perfect view of the inevitable death below.

_It'll be okay_ , he tells himself, gripping the rail a little harder. The bruise around his wrist causes him to flinch from holding on so tightly. _Just let go, right?_ Easy.

This isn't the first time he's come to the bridge, but he wants to make it the last.

_I don't want this anymore, I don't want this anymore, I don't want this anymore._

It felt like he was trying to convince himself to let go rather than not.

He feels himself lean forward, his grip slowly loosening. _It'll be better if I just let go._ The wind almost guided him toward the end.

"Are you gonna jump?" intruded the gentle voice.

Scared from the sudden intrusion, Killua's grip tightens again. He pulls himself close to the rail before looking over at the source of the voice.

It was hard to see exact features in the dark, but the illuminating street lamp not too for from them gave Killua a clue.

Standing maybe ten feet away was the short boy with sun-kissed skin. Black hair styled with gel into spikes shake as the wind pushes through. The bright complexion of this boy nearly made Killua's knees wobble.

Honey-colored eyes filled with concern stare Killua down. The latter blinks a few times, trying to figure where he's seen this guy before. The boy steps forward, into the light of the street lamp, revealing the dyed green tips of his hair.

The boy tilts his head, the small frown there. He leans against the rail, renaming on the safer side unlike Killua.

"Are you gonna jump?" He repeats. It's then Killua recognizes the voice. What's usually chipper and loud during the lunch announcements turned soft and worried.

_Freecs_ , Killua recognizes. He felt like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. Gon Freecs was a popular student in their high school. Other than his athleticism, Freecs was known for his optimistic attitude and kindness toward everyone.

"I..." Killua trails before sniffling. His usually pale cheeks are still stained red from the crying. His vision blurs slightly as more tears threaten to spill, but instead, he wipes them away with his sleeve, holding tightly to the rail with his other hand. "I...want to."

"Why?"

Killua stares at the boy, dumbfounded by his bluntness. _Why? Is that how people try to talk others down these days?_

"Idiot," Killua scoffs, narrowing his eyes, "why else do people try to kill themselves? I don't have anything to live for."

Gon's expression doesn't change, still laced with worry. Though, the tension in the air seemed to lessen after Killua's words.

"What do you mean you don't have anything to live for?" Gon questions curiously, "Aren't you Killua Zoldyck?"

For a moment, Killua was once again dumbfounded. It was surprising to hear this boy of sunshine knew his name. Of course, Killua was a participant in nearly every extracurricular (not that he wanted to be),

"Maybe that's why I don't want to be here." Killua shakes his head. "Why the hell are you here? It's, like, three in the morning."

Gon shrugs. "I like to go on walks."

"At three in the morning?"

For the first time tonight, Gon smiles. "Yeah. There's a lot going on in the world, I don't like missing it." He tilts his head at Killua. "If you come with me, I could show you."

Killua frowns in confusion, no longer feeling the need to sob as he did moments ago. "Show me what?"

"Reasons to keep living," Gon answers simply.

Killua's cheeks burn at the simple statement. Prior to this moment, the two had barely spoken to each other. They had nothing in common, they had no mutual friends, yet Gon wants to help?

The universe sent the most unexpected person to help Killua.

Killua scoffs in attempt to placate his embarrassment. "I don't want your pity."

"I'm not pitying you," Gon promises, "I just want to show you every good thing this world has to offer. At least review your options."

"Review my—?"

"Give me a month," Gon interrupts, "I'll try to show you every good thing this life has to offer. And if you still want to..." he clears his throat, glancing at the waves below below looking at Killua again. "Well, I'll let you decide."

Killua bites the inside of his still burning cheeks. _A month? That's all?_ Guess there isn't much to show. He mentally scoffs.

_Give him a chance. See what he can do._

As Gon waits with bated breath, Killua lets out a reluctant sigh and climbs back over the rail.

Gon smiles before taking another step closer. To Killua's surprise, the shorter boy wraps his arms around the pale boy's torso.

"Thank you, Killua!" He thanks, "I promise, I won't let you down!"

And just like that, Killua had begun to create a mental list of the things Gon would show him.


	2. reason one: naps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think there’s anything in here that needs a trigger warning. It does mention the events that took place in the prologue, but nothing explicit. There are anxious and slightly self-deprecating thoughts, but nothing extreme. 
> 
> If you believe I need to specify certain parts as a warning, don’t be afraid to comment. 
> 
> This chapter’s longer than the prologue so enjoy!

When Killua Zoldyck woke up the next morning, three hours later after his encounter with Gon Freecs, everything felt the same.

Honestly, he wasn't expecting much, of anything, to change after last night. The guy was kind, but there's no way he'd waste his time with someone like Killua.

Hell, _no one_ should waste their time with Killua.

His parents discovered his late-night escapade and, unsurprisingly, punished him with more bruises to be hidden by long sleeve collared shirts. His sides ached, but it wasn't intolerable.

It wasn't until he arrived at Hunter High did something feel slightly different.

Public school was one of the few freedoms Killua was allowed since he was named to be the heir of his family's firm. After all, his background, grades, and money could get him into the best university needed.

Unfortunately, the students here hardly treated him any different than the ones from his old private school. They, like the others, knew the "rumors" of his family. Other than being the cruelest DAs in the country, the Zoldycks had a reputation for underground dealing. No one wanted to get involved with a Zoldyck.

And Killua had learned to accept that. Well, as much as he could, obviously. He had maybe one person he could call a friend, and they only spoke during school hours.

"Trying to escape to class without me?"

Speaking of.

Ikalgo was completely unaware of Killua's...thoughts or his harsh relationship with his family. At least, Killua hoped. He did his best to hide any worrying behavior whenever he was with Ikalgo. He didn't want to worry Ikalgo, and more importantly, he didn't want to receive pity. Killua was certain he could handle it himself, even after last night's ordeal.

Killua practically smirks as the short redhead approached. "I wouldn't dream of it."

Ikalgo's smile falls slightly before he tilts his head. "Killua, are you okay? Your eyes are a little puffy."

"Really?" Killua questions before tapping his chin in mock thought. "Must be allergic to dumbasses."

Ikalgo rolls his eyes before lightly shoving his friend. "Yeah, yeah, but seriously, you're eyes are pretty red and puffy." His tone changes from playful to more serious. "Did your family—"

Killua rolls his eyes. To an extent, Ikalgo knew Killua's family wasn't the kindest. Said extent was that the Zoldycks were a strict family that limited Killua's social life.

"They were just upset I was late for my piano lesson, nothing to cry about." Killua gives a dismissive wave as they lean against the lockers. 

"Yeah?" Ikalgo questions. "I know we don't hang out much outside of school, but if you ever need someone to talk to..."

"I'm fine," Killua responds before forcing a smile, "I promise." With a light shove, Killua changes the subject. "So, lunch plans—"

"Hold on," Ikalgo interrupts, grabbing Killua's wrist. The latter flinches out of habit, but the former doesn't seem to notice. "Did you paint your nails a different color?"

Killua looks down at the navy blue nails he painted after he got home last night. Or...this morning? Whatever. It was a comforting action, especially since his parents hated it. He'll get Alluka to repaint them later.

"Uh, yeah?"

Ikalgo tilts his head before giving a smile. "This color suits you better."

Before Killua could say anything, a loud voice manages to scare both Ikalgo and Killua. 

" _Killua_!" The voice exclaimed. Killua frowns at the incoming short teen. His electric blue eyes widen at the sight of green-dyed spikes. 

_Shit, fuck, damnit_ , Killua inwardly cursed.

It's not like he's forgotten last night's encounter with the school's all-star, it's more that he expected the other to forget. Or at least pretend to forget his promise. 

But here he was, approaching Killua as if they'd been friends for years. It made Killua's cheeks redden in embarrassment. He subconsciously worried that Gon might say something about their encounter last night. 

"Killua!" Gon greets again with that charming smile of his. Ikalgo frowns in confusion at the sudden friendliness between his friend and Gon Freecs. "How are you?"

It was a simple conversation starter, but it felt more to Killua because of last night. Killua's stomach drops at the thought of anyone else knowing what could have happened.

"Gon? Let's go talk somewhere private, yeah?" 

And before anyone can argue, Killua's walking toward the nearest bathroom. Gon eagerly follows, feeling no objection. Ikalgo stares at the retreating figures in confusion but makes no move to follow. Killua's sneakers scrape against the tile, nearly forcing him to trip over, but he catches himself as the door shuts behind them. 

"Look," Killua starts, making sure to look Gon in the eye. He almost loses his train of thought due to the brightness of Gon's eyes, but quickly gets back on track. "I need you to forget everything that happened last night."

"Why?" Gon asks, tilting his head like a confused puppy.

"Because it was a stupid mistake, alight?" Killua harshly whispers. "I wasn't actually going to jump. I'm not sad or anything. I only agreed to your little thing so you'd back off. Can you just forget about it?"

Gon shakes his head, almost looking remorseful for denying Killua's request. "I can't do that, Killua. I'm sorry."

Killua gapes at the blunt rejection. "Eh? Why the hell not?"

"Because I made a promise!" Gon says determinedly. The dangerous glint in his eye stops Killua from arguing how dumb of a reason that is. "And I never break my promises."

Killua's eyes narrow before he crosses his arms. "I already told you, I don't want your pity."

"I'm not giving you pity," Gon argues calmly. He gives a reassuring smile. "I'm gonna be your friend."

Killua scoffs. "You're _going_ to be my friend? How presumptuous. Maybe I don't want to be your friend."

Killua recognizes it was a little harsh to say, especially since the boy was only trying to help, but Killua didn't _want_ his help. It was embarrassing enough for this boy to see Killua at his worst.

Gon shrugs before giving a small smile. "That's okay. We don't have to be friends. I'm still gonna show you every good thing in the next month." Both can hear the bell's sudden, faint ringing. Gon leans against the seat, seemingly not worried. "What are you doing after school?"

"Clubs," Killua scoffs before crossing his arms. "Didn't you hear the bell ring? We gotta get to class."

"Of course," Gon agrees, still smiling, "but answer my questions first. Can you skip?"

"No."

"Can you hang out afterward?"

"No, I have to study in the library."

"Can I join you?"

"You're free to do whatever, but I don't see how this helps your case." Killua hikes his slipping backpack over his shoulder. "I can't be late for class."

"Alright!" Gon chirps as they both step into the now empty hallway. "I'll see you after practice!"

The two go separate ways, allowing Killua to let out the nervous breath he was holding. He unconsciously clenched his fist, sending a line of pain up his arm.

There's no way Gon should show up at the library. If any of his family members found out Killua wasn't studying...

Well, maybe Gon would be willing to shut up and study with him.

Yeah, that didn't seem probable. 

_Fuck_.

————

To say Killua Zoldyck was exhausted would be an understatement. From three to five, Killua jumped around four clubs (three of which he's president for) only to end up in the library for the next hour and a half.

It was his daily schedule. When he got home after studying, he'd go home to eat dinner only to study afterward for the rest of his life. As the Zoldyck's chosen heir, it was important for Killua to be at the top of his studies. He needed to be seen as put together as a person could be.

Killua nods back at the librarian as he goes to the same spot he goes to every school day. Just beside the final shelves of books rests a circular table mean to hold five people. Killua usually needs space for his study materials.

Killua simply stares at his chemistry textbook, feeling no motivation to do anything more than stare at the book.

The feeling of no motivation was as familiar as it was unwelcomed. And yet, it still found its way into Killua's system.

_Maybe I can take a nap._

No, don't be stupid. His brother would somehow find out and start snapping at Killua again. "Focus on your studies" or "you don't need anything else" or Killua's least favorite, "this is the life you were given as the chosen heir."

But his eyes were starting to feel droopy after only three hours of sleep last night. _It'll only be for a moment._

"Hey, Killua!" The chipper voice greets, sobering up Killua almost immediately. Gon sits down in a seat, hair no longer gelled into spikes but relaxed. He says something else, but Killua wasn't listening. He was too busy staring at the wet hair.

 _Does it normally look like that?_ Killua can't help but wonder. When it's dry, of course. _It looks nice; compliments the freckles._

A hand waves across his vision, snapping him out of his stupor. "Killua? Did you hear me?"

"Oh," Killua mumbles, "sorry. Got distracted."

"Is it the hair?" Gon grins. "I had to shower after practice. Didn't wanna show up smelling like sweat."

"Sweat and testosterone are a dangerous combination," Killua agrees. He rests his elbow on the table before leaning his head against his palm. "You asked me something?"

"Right!" Gon exclaims, earning a _shhhh!_ from the librarian. Gon gives a sheepish smile before whispering, "Right. How were your clubs."

Killua shrugs. "Fine."

"Which ones did you have today?" Gon leans forward, showing his interest. 

Killua shrugs again. "Debate, chess, service, and mock."

"Wow!" Gon softly exclaims. "You do all of those?"

"And six others," Killua mumbles, eyes unconsciously closing. "I'm in a leadership position for all of them, president for five. Technically there's eleven in all but the school doesn't recognize student council as a club."

"You're student body president, right?" 

"Yep." He feels his bangs shift as he starts to lean his weight on his hand.

"That sounds like a lot...and very stressful." Killua could tell Gon was genuinely concerned. It made his stomach drop (whether out of anxiety or excitement was unknown) "How do you manage it?"

"I'm a Zoldyck," Killua replies simply. His arm slips out from under him, forcing his eyes to open in surprise before he catches himself. “Shit,” he curses, “I need to study.”

“You seem exhausted,” Gon points out, tilting his head. His expression brightens as an idea forms. “Let’s take a nap!”

Killua scoffs before flipping through the pages of his textbook. “Can’t. If my family finds out I was sleeping instead of studying they might—” he stops himself just before revealing anything. He clears his throat, not looking at Gon as he continues with, “they might ground me for the month.”

Gon notes the hesitance but says nothing about it. Instead, he shrugs off his jacket before sliding it across the table.

“Here! You can use my jacket as a pillow!”

Killua not-so-gracefully shoves the jacket back. “Don’t need it ‘cause I’m not sleeping.”

“But Killuaaaa!” Gon whines, making the pale boy cringe. “You look so tired! I promise I’ll keep watch and make sure nobody sees you sleeping.”

The offer was tempting, but Killua wasn’t convinced just yet. “Why are you so insistent on this? I told you already, you don’t owe me any pity or whatever. I’m fine.”

“Maybe we can make naps the first reason!”

“The first— _what_?”

“Reason!” Gon repeats eagerly. “Let’s make taking naps one of the good things in this life.”

“You do realize I was going to take a permanent nap, right?” Killua scoffs. 

“Yeah! That’s what makes these temporary naps so special!” Killua furrows his brows in confusion but doesn’t say anything to let Gon continue. “There’s nothing better than that refreshed feeling you get when you wake up from a nap! It feels even better when you do something productive like, I don’t know, _studying_ after a good rest?”

Killua doesn’t argue with the logic. Well, lack of. _Naps? That’s what he’s going to start with?_ There were many things Gon was known for but being dishonest wasn’t one of them.

Maybe Gon’s actually on to something with this whole “reasons to live” thing. Maybe this could _actually_ be beneficial to Killua. Maybe, it’ll light the much-needed fire under his ass to do what he needed to do for himself and his sister.

What would his family do if they found out? If they find out about the almost attempt, they would surely lock Killua up in the house with private tutors and unnecessary medication. If they found out about Gon, they’d find a way to ruin that friendship. No, his _brother_ would find a way to ruin this. Killua wasn’t sure if he could handle that. There was no denying the connection he felt with Gon, and Killua wasn’t opposed to learning more about it, but Big Brother would ruin it the first chance he got.

Was this worth the risk?

 _Calm down brain_ , Killua chastises himself, _you’re gonna go into anxiety overload if you don’t stop._

Just, go for it.

“Thirty minutes,” Killua agrees, finally making eye contact with Gon. Gon beams. “Wake me up in thirty minutes, alright?”

“Yes, yes, of course!” Gon whispers excitedly. As Killua moves his textbook to the side, Gon slides his letterman jacket in its place. Killua stares at it for a moment before agreeing to lay his head on it. Arguing with Gon on this seemed pointless.

Killua closes his eyes, ready to greet the familiar darkness, only for Gon to interrupt once again with a “Hey Killua?” Killua grunts in response. “I really like your nails. They’re pretty.”

Killua was glad he had the jacket to hide his scarlet-ridden face. He didn’t feel this embarrassed when Ikalgo complimented them earlier, so what made this different.

“Thanks.”

Hours later, when Killua was home with his study materials in his room, Killua pulled out a sheet of college-ruled notebook paper. Using a black pen to write the header, he titles: _Reasons_

In the first space, he writes:

_reason one: naps_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y’all so much for y’all’s support so far! I appreciate all the kudos and comments given! Can’t wait to write more :D


	3. reason two: soccer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the first ———— there are some anxious thoughts.   
> There are mentions of abuse (bruises)
> 
> I don’t think there needs to be a formal trigger warning for anything else but if you believe there needs to be, I’ll be more than happy to add one. 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

  
Friday morning arrived four days after reason one. Gon had made no formal declaration for reason two, yet remained by Killua's side every day at the library. Killua didn't question 

Killua's bruises had turned into a nice yellow since no new ones were given since Monday. Killua made this pleasant discovery after sliding out of bed and feeling no soreness. 

By the time Killua buttoned his pants, someone was already knocking on his door. He jumps at the sudden sound. _They're early_ , really _early_. 

"I—I'm almost ready, give me one minute!" He lets out frantically. _Shit, shit, shit._ He'd done so well all week. Watch this early beckoning be what ruins his week. 

Before he could find a shirt, a soft feminine voice goes, "Big Brother! It's me!" 

Killua lets out a breath of relief. "Yeah, come in," he allows. The door slowly opens, only for a head of black hair to poke through. Killua's eyes stare back at him with glee. "You can come in, Alluka."

Alluka grins before shutting the door behind her. Killua sighs at the private school uniform: a plaid skirt that goes just above her knees and a tucked-in white button-down. White socks that reach the top of her calves are tucked into a pair of penny loafers. Her black hair, wrapped in different strands of pink ribbon, was left down to frame her face. 

Unlike Killua, Alluka was sent to a private school like the rest of their family. She went to a different private school (to not "tarnish" the Zoldyck name) and was treated better by the students there than her own family. It took Killua a lot to convince his parents to not send her to boarding school. 

Killua would do anything for his sister's freedom, even if it meant giving up his own. 

"Your bruises look better," she notes with a small frown. 

Killua grabs a purple button-down, quickly buttoning his shirt so his sister wouldn't worry. "Yeah. Maybe I can make it to the weekend." 

It was a shitty joke, Killua knew this, but he couldn't help it. Subconsciously, he knew he was doing it to ease his sister's worries. 

"I don't like when they do that," Alluka mumbles, her chipper attitude from a few moments ago disappearing. 

Killua gives a small smile before gently patting her head. "Did you remember your hormones?" 

Alluka's treatment: _another_ thing Killua had to fight for. 

Alluka grins. "Yep! I did it by myself this morning. Canary watched to make sure I was doing it right." 

Killua returns the grin. "Seriously? That's great, Alluka!" 

"I know! I can't wait to tell my friends!" Alluka gushes. "They're going to be so proud and excited!" 

It seems the only people that gave a negative fuck about Alluka's transition was her own family. Everyone important to Alluka accepted her with open arms. 

A phone rings loudly, surprising both siblings. The only noise Killua's phone made was either a rare text from Ikalgo or a call from his family. 

Killua grabs his phone, eyes widening at the name flashing on his screen. 

**GON🐸... _is calling_**

How in the hell did Gon get his number? And when did he have the time to add a contact name?

"Who is it, Big Brother?" Alluka asks. 

"Uh...someone from school," Killua admits before pressing on the green icon. He puts the phone to his ear, still confused. "...hello?"

" _KILLUAAAAAAA_!!"

Killua flinches away from the phone. "Gon, _Gon_! Jesus, quiet down man." He dares to put the phone against his ear again. "I can still hear your voice echoing in my brain."

" _Sorry, Killua!_ " Gon apologizes. " _I got excited that you answered!_ "

Killua's cheeks redden, forcing him to turn away from Alluka. "Idiot, don't say things like that. When did you get my number anyway?"

" _When you napped yesterday._ " 

"That's an invasion of privacy."

" _Yeah_ ," Gon agrees sheepishly, " _sorry, Killua, but I wanted to talk to you longer than two hours a day._ " 

Killua thought his cheeks couldn't get any redder. "Your lack of shame is unnerving. So, what couldn't wait until later?"

" _Come to my game!_ "

Killua opens his mouth at the simple request. "I...I can't."

" _Please?_ "

"No, I actually can't." 

" _Why not?_ "

Killua looks at Alluka who's staring at him in confusion. "Family."

" _Invite them too!_ "

Killua almost chuckles. "No."

" _Why?_ "

Killua lets out a huff before sitting down at the edge of his bed. "They would think it's a waste of time. I can hear it now: 'why watch a bunch of meatheads run into each other when you could be studying for university?'"

" _Well there's a little more to it than that, but it's still pretty entertaining._ "

Killua looks at Alluka who's been mouthing ' _who's Gon_ ' for the last minute. 

Killua covers the microphone of his phone. "Someone from school." 

"A friend?" Alluka repeats, eyes widened in disbelief. Before Killua could argue that they're not friends, Alluka wastes no time walking over to snatch the phone from Killua's hand. "Hello?"

"Alluka—" Killua starts, only to be interrupted by a pale hand in his face. He sighs before leaning down on the bed. He didn't have the energy to fight her. 

"Hi, Gon! I'm Alluka, his sister...he didn't mention me?" Alluka looks over at Killua, giving him a pointed look. 

"Sorry," Killua mumbles, "I hadn't brought it up yet." 

"What's Big Brother saying 'no' to?" She pauses to listen to a response. "You want him to go to your game?" Alluka repeats. She grins before excitedly slapping Killua's arm. "I can help with that!"

Killua's eyes widen. It was one thing for him to get caught leaving, _but for Alluka to help him_...that'd be the end. 

"Alluka, I can't have you risk that."

Alluka pulls the phone away from her ear before putting Gon on speaker. She makes sure to turn down the volume so (hopefully) only they could hear it. 

" _Come on_ ," Gon pleads. Killua can imagine Gon tilting his head in a pleading manner. " _Please? I would love to see you there._ "

Alluka gushes, forcing Killua to semi-roughly push her away in an attempt to hide his red cheeks. 

Killua hesitates before answering. He's taken too many risks with this boy already, but his family hadn't found out yet. His luck was bound to run out. 

Killua hadn't touched a soccer ball since middle school, but he adored the game. Hell, he was practically a soccer star. But after freshman year started, his parents became worse with his studies and forced him to quit. He hadn't played or gone to a game ever since. 

"I...I don't know, Gon," Killua lets out. "If Alluka or I get caught—" 

He stops himself before he could say anything exposing. If he did get caught, his bruises would remain for at least three weeks. He'd be lucky if he could walk without wincing the next day. 

" _I know, I know_ ," Gon sighs, in disappointment. " _I probably won't see you for the next week._ " 

"Don't pout, idiot," Killua scoffs. "We hardly know each other. Me being at your game won't make any difference." 

He winces as Alluka playfully slaps his arm. 

" _Yeah but I didn't meet you before my last game, and now I have!_ " Gon pouts. " _I really wanted to see you there._ "

"Why are you so insistent on this?"

" _I want to see you!_ " He states simply. " _And I'd love to meet your sister too if she can make it._ "

"Sorry, Gon," Alluka apologizes, shaking her head even though Gon can't see her. "But I'll need to stay here and cover for Big Brother. Killua will meet you there!"

Her tone and face say Killua has no room to argue. Killua wasn't immune to either Gon or Alluka's pleading. Both of them want the same thing from him? He doesn't stand a chance. 

"Fine," Killua reluctantly agrees. Gon cheers loudly over the phone, forcing Killua to interrupt him. " _Fine_. I'll go, idiot, just be quiet."

" _Thank you! Thank you! Thank—_ "

"Friends don't say thank you," Killua mumbles. "I'll see you later." 

Before Gon could say anything else, Killua hangs up. Alluka lets out a squeal. 

"Big Brother! I'm so excited for you!" She whispers excitedly. "Oh, you're going to have so much fun!"

"Alluka..." Killua sighs hesitantly, "I don't know if I can do this. If either of us gets caught, it'll be hell for both of us."

"I can take the blame, Big Brother," Alluka vows. "I'll say it's my fault and I managed to taint your thought process or whatever demonic thing they think I do." 

As kind as it was for her to offer herself like that, Killua knew the family would blame his "weakness" toward his sister. He'd get a beating and she'd get sent away. 

"Please?" Alluka pleads. "I promise, I can cover for you." She gently grabs his hands. "I know you haven't been feeling good lately, but this Gon guy seems _really_ good for you."

"It's not like that," Killua argues, cheeks reddening for the fourth time that morning. "My well-being doesn't matter when it comes to you."

"Big Brother, please don't say that," Alluka pleads. "Please, go to that game tonight. Enjoy a Friday night for once, even if it's only for a few hours." 

Killua sighs. An evening away from studying would be nice, but as he's mentioned before, there's only so much luck he has. 

But Alluka was looking to his eyes in that pleading manner that always seems to bend him to her will. Not that he minded, of course. He would do anything for his sister. 

"Alright," he agrees, "I'll go. But only for two hours, okay? And if something happens, _call me immediately._ "

"Of course, Big Brother!"

————

As expected, the bleachers we filled with cheering fans. Soccer players at their school earned more respect than any other sports team. It would be idiotic to think there wouldn't be a lot of people. The chilly air, along with the shock, gives Killua a chill. 

Killua's breath hitches at the sight. He knew there'd be a lot of people, but he didn't expect this many. He can feel his stomach churning at the sight. 

_Too many people_ , he thinks, trying to swallow his anxiety away, _there's too many. I should leave, right?_

What was getting into him? He'd dealt with half of these idiots every day from clubs and the student council. He'd set up too many events for this stupid school with a much larger crowd of students and their parents. Why was seeing this making him anxious?

 _'Cause you're here alone, like a loser,_ his conscious tells him.

No, he's not alone. Or at least, he won't be. Killua texted Ikalgo to meet him. It was a double win, really: Killua wouldn't be alone and he'd get to see Ikalgo outside of school hours. 

_But where is he?_ the negative voice chimes. _I don't see him anywhere..._

Killua wrings his hands together, flinching as the crowd cheers as the match begins. 

_He left you alone_ , it sings. _Ikalgo was never your friend; an acquaintance at best._

Impossible. Sure, they didn't get to see each other often, but Ikalgo knew why they couldn't. It never pushed him away. 

_Maybe he was hoping you two would never be anything more than school friends._

Stop it. Killua wanted to scream, but you can't scream at your own conscious without looking crazy. Geez, maybe that voice was right. Maybe Killua doesn't actually have friends. Ikalgo just wanted someone to help with school work and Gon just wanted someone to pity. 

_You could never be liked by someone so bright._

No, that's a lie, right? Alluka's just as bright, if not brighter and she loves Killua. 

_She loves you because of all the things you do for her. You're the reason she hasn't been sent away, you're the reason she has her hormones, you're the reason she's allowed the little freedom she has. She's just using you._

Ikalgo and Gon were one thing, but Alluka? No, she'd never. 

Killua lets out a sigh, earning looks from people going up and down the bleachers. He's still waiting by the entrance, waiting for someone who might not even show—

"Hey, Killua!"

Killua jumps at the sound before turning to face the voice. At the sight of short red hair, Killua sighs in relief. _He's here. Of course he would be, he wouldn't ditch you like that._

"Sorry I'm late," Ikalgo apologizes sheepishly, "I was grabbing some snacks!" 

Killua finally notices the two boxes of nachos in Ikalgo's hands. "Oh," Killua replies lamely. 

Ikalgo laughs, nearly dropping a box of nachos. "Don't worry dude, I know you're not a fan of savory things. I bought some chocolate as well." 

Killua grins. "I'll pay you back."

Ikalgo rolls his eyes. "Don't worry about it, man. Help me find a seat and we can call it even." 

Surprisingly, it didn't take the two long to find two open seats near the top of the bleachers. While Killua didn't like the crazy amount of people, he did semi-appreciate the mass's body warmth preventing him from freezing. 

Ikalgo sets the boxes in their seats before facing forward to cheer with the rest of the crowd. He passes Killua a chocolate bar, which the latter eagerly accepts, and begins to cheer with everyone else. 

_Where is he?_ Killua can't help but wonder as he finally gets a good look at the soccer field. Electric blue eyes scan the field for the familiar head of spikes. 

Finally, Killua manages to spot the boy wearing the school's black jersey. The number 99 dashes across the field, ball at his feet before slowly winding up for the kick. 

Killua watches with bated breath as the ball soars through the air and hits the back of the net. 

To say the screams were deafening would be an understatement. Seriously, Killua thought he might end up deaf after the match. But that didn't matter, because he couldn't take his eyes off the grinning boy jogging across the field to his position. 

Killua didn't miss the way his honey-colored eyes scan the crowd. He didn't miss how they somehow manage to find him in the back of the crowd. He didn't miss how they lit up with glee. 

And he for certain didn't miss how he started jumping in place, waving his arms frantically and yelling "Killua!" at the top of his lungs. 

While Killua couldn't exactly hear it, he could read Gon's lips from the distance. It was enough to make him give an awkward wave back before lowering his head to hide the blush forming. 

"You finally gonna explain why you're suddenly friends with Gon Freecs?" Ikalgo asks, leaning closer so Killua could hear. 

Killua doesn't lookup. Ikalgo was _never_ going to learn the truth, not if Killua had a say in it. "Last week in the library," Killua easily lies, "he needed help with his work and hasn't stopped talking to me since." 

"He seems less annoyed with your friendship than you do," Ikalgo notes with a grin. "Don't worry, I'm not jealous. I'm glad _someone_ could convince you to get out of the house."

"It's not like I have much of a choice these days," Killua mumbles, "my sister said she could cover for me, somehow. I just hope she doesn't get caught." 

"Don't worry about that," Ikalgo reassures before patting Killua on the back. "You'll make it back before your parents notice."

Right. Stay positive, Killua. Alluka's smart, she can hold them off for a couple of hours. 

_As if the family would ever listen to something she'd say._

Once the game ends, Killua reasons, then he'll leave. 

————

Unsurprisingly, their school won. 

Killua was starting to get anxious when the game came to its conclusion. Not because it was a close game, no far from it, but it had been a little over two hours since Killua climbed out of his bedroom window. 

The crowd was dispersing, everyone chatting or laughing with each other. The atmosphere of glee and pride was something Killua enjoyed, especially when he played, but now it was just a somewhat bitter reminder of what he could no longer do. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket as Ikalgo gushes over how great the game was, even if they won by a landslide. 

**GON** 🐸  
 _r u gunna stay??_  
 _after the game??_  
 _plz stay!_  
 _I wanna talk 2 u_

Once again, Killua hesitated. He could leave right now, right? Didn't he fulfill whatever obligation he had? Gon asked him to come to the game so he did. 

But it was weird for Gon to withhold saying something. From what Killua's learned, Gon's very blunt. 

  
**killua** 🌀  
 _ten minutes._  
 _I need to get back as soon as I can_

"Do you need a ride back?" Ikalgo asks as they descend the bleachers. Killua tries to not let himself be shoved by others. 

"No, I'm gonna stick around for ten minutes. Gon wanted to say something."

"Do you want me to wait for you?"

Killua smiles at the offer. "Nah, I've got my own ride."

Ikalgo nods. "Alright, man. I'll see you Monday?" Killua gives a thumbs up, despite it being a little uncharacteristic. Ikalgo stares at Killua for a few seconds, trying to see the thoughts in Killua's head. 

But Killua had been practicing his poker face for years now. Ikalgo could search for hours and wouldn't find anything.

With a final smile, Ikalgo turns around before walking away. 

Killua lets out a sigh before leaning against the rail of the bleacher's steps. Some people remain, talking to each other as they enjoy the joyful atmosphere. Killua stares at his phone, counting down the minutes until he'd see Alluka again. 

"Killua!" The bright voice exclaims. 

_That was fast_ , Killua thinks as he looks over at the boy, still wearing his uniform, running straight toward him. Killua expects him to slow down or to at least stop himself before running smack into him. 

Killua grunts as he's nearly tackled. The scent of sweat fills his nostrils, almost making him gag. He knew the sweat would leak onto his hoodie. Somehow, Gon's hug seemed to erase every uncomfortable thing, even if the action itself was something Killua wasn't used to. 

Gon finally pulls away, grinning like an idiot. “Did you see me out there?”

Killua chuckles. “Hard not to when you kept waving your arms at me like a maniac. Besides, 99’s my favorite number.”

”It is! What a coincidence!” Gon exclaims with a grin. "Did you see me score?! Did you? Did you?"

"What are you, ten?" Killua scoffs before shoving Gon away just a little. "Yeah, I saw it. Good job."

"Thank you so much! Did you enjoy the game?"

Killua shrugs. "It got pretty repetitive when you guys kept scoring, so it wasn't really a good match, but..." he trails off at the sight of Gon's grin. 

"I get it," Gon admits, "I was pretty bored after the fourth goal, but it was still fun to play. I'm glad we gave them a challenge. Have you ever played?"

Some unknown reason caused Killua to give a smug look to his shorter friend. "Have I played?" Killua repeats. "You're looking at the middle-schooler champion." 

"Wow! You played?! And you were good?" 

Killua gives a casual shrug. "Well, I definitely wasn't bad."

"What made you stop?"

Killua visibly freezes, surprised to have heard the question. His casual attitude disappears, replaced with lurking sadness Gon had gotten used to. 

"Uh," Killua starts awkwardly, "my family didn't think soccer was worth the time for a future DA. I quit when I moved on to high school."

"Oh," Gon says with furrowed brows. "I'm sorry, Killua. I didn't think—"

"Yeah, not a lot of people would," Killua interrupts bitterly. 

Gon bites the inside of his cheek as he visibly thinks. Killua could tell Gon figured out what he wanted to say by the obvious look of realization. "Did you enjoy soccer?" 

"Yeah," Killua admits with a small smile. He could remember maneuvering the ball through the minefield of people. He could remember the grass staining his socks and how his shin guards stuck to his shins with sweat. It was gross, but the memories would bring a smile to Killua's face. "It kept me in check, for the most part."

"Well, let's make it reason number two!" 

Killua looks over, still partially thinking about his days on the field. "Yeah?"

"Yeah!" Gon says, brows furrowing in determination. "It's something you loved, right? Let's make it reason number two!"

Killua nods his head slightly. "Alright, I'm okay with that."

"And maybe one day we can scrimmage?" Gon challenges. "I wanna see what you got."

Killua smirks. "I may be out of practice, but I know I could still whoop your ass." 

"Yeah?"

" _Yeah._ "

"Then let's settle it. I'll let you choose when and where." 

"Alright, how about—" he cuts himself as he tries to think of a day that would work. Truth is, never would work. Killua couldn't afford to sneak out again, not for a bit. And he couldn't do it after school. His parents, or worse, his _brother_ would know he skipped clubs. If he waited until after clubs, it would be obvious he hadn't been studying thanks to the inevitable sweat. 

"It's okay, Killua," Gon reassures, pulling Killua out of his thought. Killua feels a calloused hand gently squeeze his own. "We'll think of something."

Killua nods but says nothing else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank y’all so much for the support you’ve given this story so far! I’m excited to see you guys are just as ready as I am!


	4. reason three: rebellious decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think there’s anything too triggering.   
> There’s an implication of abuse but it’s more like a description of him waking up the next morning with bruises. Nothing explicit. 
> 
> If you feel there needs to be a trigger warning, don’t be afraid to tell me!

Turns out, having Alluka cover for him was a great idea. Killua managed to sneak into the house, knowing he succeeded when the next morning arrived and nothing bad happened.

Despite being socially exhausted Friday night, Killua couldn't find the courage to fall asleep. His mind had been plagued with the freckle-coated face grinning at him. 

How did this boy get past Killua's defenses so quickly? Was it because of how they met? Was it because of their reasons? Was it because every time he smiled, Killua felt like a different and much happier man? 

Whatever it was, Killua felt like crumbling in the best way possible.

His phone vibrates loudly on his dresser, making him flinch before quickly grabbing it off the dresser. _A text_.

**GON** 🐸

_did u make it back safe?_

_Of course_ , Gon gave a shit about Killua's wellbeing. The text itself made Killua want to sneak out again to meet up.

**killua** 🌀

_dunno_

_no one's said anything now, but they usually_

_wait until the next morning._

**GON** 🐸

_oh_

_im srry if u get caught_

**killua** 🌀

_don't worry about it._

**GON** 🐸

_but u had fun, rite?_

_i don't want u gettin in trouble 4_

_sumthin you didnt like_

Killua smiles at his phone, despite the harsh blue light hurting his eyes. He should’ve know Gon was a horrible speller 

**killua** 🌀

_watching you get tripped made the_

_whole thing worth it._

**GON** 🐸

_killua!!!_

_🥺_

**killua** 🌀

_don't give me that look._

_I was just kidding._

_I had fun, idiot._

He continues to smile at his phone, like an idiot, as he starts pulling out his textbooks and sits in his desk chair. Friday night did not mean a break from studying as his family had constantly reminded him.

**GON** 🐸

_dont scare me like that_

_i want u 2 have fun_

_all the times_

_time_

**killua** 🌀

_I'm rolling my eyes right now_

_but yes, I had fun._

**GON** 🐸

_would u do it again?_

Killua didn't hesitate to answer 

**killua🌀**

_a million times_

_it's been a while since I've gone out_

_on a Friday_

**GON** 🐸

_thats gr8 killua!_

_next time, Ill spend more time w/ u_

_wyd?_

**killua** 🌀

_I'm supposed to be studying, but_

_you're not making it easy._

Killua waits thirty seconds only to receive nothing in response. _Oh_. He's probably out with his friends after the game. It's only nine, so he's most likely out celebrating. Killua felt lucky to be spoken to so soon anyway.

Killua sighs, getting ready to look at his textbook, but the phone starts ringing. Gon's name flashes across the screen, making Killua's stomach drop.

He wastes maybe three seconds before answering with a hesitant, "Hello?"

" _You're studying_?" Gon gets straight to the point, as always. " _But it's Friday! Didn't you already study at the library?_ "

Killua leans back in his seat. "You'd think there'd be a break but my parents are very...demanding."

" _Does that mean Alluka's studying too?_ "

Killua bites the inside of his cheek as he deliberates telling Gon the truth. It's bad enough he knows a little about Killua, it would be worse if Gon knew how they treated Alluka.

He decided on giving the partial truth. 

"They don't care if she's studying or not," Killua admits, "unlike me, she's not the heir of our firm."

" _Heir?_ " Gon repeats, " _I thought that was like kings and stuff_."

Killua can't help but chuckle. "An heir is someone who is legally entitled to another's property and/or possessions after they die."

" _Oh. Are you the oldest?_ "

"Middle child," Killua explains, not in the mood to go in-depth with listing his family members. "But I was the chosen heir, so this is the price I pay."

" _Do you want to be the heir?_ "

Killua shrugs, despite Gon not being able to see him. "I don't really have a choice."

Gon's quiet for a few moments. It made Killua worried he'd accidentally hung up. But Killua's worries were put to ease once Gon speaks again.

" _Is that what you meant the other night? When you said you didn't want to be Killua Zoldyck?_ "

Oh.

He's referring to _that_ night.

Truth be told, that's exactly what Killua meant that night. He didn't expect Gon to bring it up, much less _remember_ he said that.

But of course, Gon was surprising.

" _Sorry_ ," Gon apologizes, " _I know I shouldn't bring it up and I know you don't like to talk about it. But, if you do need to talk to someone, it might as well be me._ "

That wasn't as reassuring as Killua knew it should be. In fact, it kinda ticked him off. He'd already pushed himself into Killua's life with the whole "reasons" thing, and now he wanted to act like a therapist?

"You're not obligated or licensed to do that."

" _I never said I was. I just know it's nice to have someone there._ "

Killua almost scoffs. How could that ball of sunshine know what any of this feels like?

"You're pitying me," Killua snaps, "you know I hate that."

" _Killua, I'm not pitying you,_ " Gon promises, " _I would never do something you didn't like, you know that._ "

Gon's the epitome of sunshine and optimism, of course he would never willingly hurt Killua. Whatever reason he had to help Killua was far from selfish. But for some reason, Killua couldn't help but worry it wasn't real.

 _Ugh, now_ you're _acting like the idiot._ _Gon wouldn't hurt you, not like everyone else._

"You're right," Killua begrudgingly admits, "sorry, I didn't...I'm not thinking straight right now."

" _Do you want me to come over?_ "

Killua scoffs. "You'd get us both killed."

" _I can be sneaky._ "

"Don't worry about it," Killua dismisses, "it's nothing. 'm sorry for saying dumb things."

" _Killua, I don't care about your family. I'll do whatever you need._ "

Killua's cheeks redden and he was glad no one was around to see it. "Don't say stupid shit like that, man." He sighs. "Look, I gotta study or at least get my head straight. I'll see you Monday?"

" _I'll call you in a couple hours!_ "

"Gon—"

" _Bye, Killua!_ "

The phone beeps, ending their conversation. _A couple of hours? How is he not tired of me yet?_ They already hang out for two hours a day. Today they'd seen each other for at least three. Yet, Gon still wanted to see him? To _talk_ to him?

Not a lot of people wanted that.

As Killua studied for the next few hours, he couldn't get Gon's smile out of his head.

————

"What do you mean I can't call her?"

Killua was practically fuming, but more than anything he was confused. Illumi was looking down at his laptop, not bothering to make eye contact with the little brother standing beside his desk.

"You're not allowed," Illumi answers monotonously. He continues typing, only infuriating Killua more.

Illumi's long dark hair was pulled back to stay out of his face. He was still wearing his suit after a day at the firm. 

It was Saturday, meaning Killua was finally able to get his weekly call. He wasn’t allowed to have it last weekend as punishment, but this was a new week. 

Unfortunately, Illumi was the only one that could let Killua call her.

"Why not?" Killua asks, trying to not sound demanding or angry. Any unwanted attitude would result in the privilege being taken away next week too.

Illumi stops typing before looking up at Killua, who's hovering in front of the desk. Illumi looks past Killua, making eye contact with a butler for a brief moment.

Killua could feel the butler's gaze from the corner of the room but doesn't react to it. He keeps his eyes on Illumi.

"You lost that privilege from last weekend to next weekend," Illumi explains, looking up at Killua again. "Do you not remember?"

Killua knew why he lost it last weekend, it's what drove him to the bridge Sunday night. But this weekend? And the next? It seemed a little excessive.

"But...I didn't do anything this week. I thought I was being good."

"You were," Illumi reassures, "but what you did last week was unacceptable. You'll get to talk to it when I deem you stable enough."

 _She_ , Killua wants to correct. _She's a girl too, just like Alluka._

But saying anything would make it worse, and it made Killua ashamed to say nothing.

"But...she's expecting a call this week," Killua argues weakly. He almost flinches at his dumb argument. That's what he's going to say to a DA? "She's allowed outside connection once a week. Hell, it's required. It might as well be me and Alluka."

"Nanika got out her outside connection with Gotoh last week. This week, it'll be Canary. Next week, Tsubone. You will get your conversation with her in two weeks."

It's not a bad lineup of butlers. Illumi chose the ones who knew how to talk to Nanika without worrying or being condescending. But none of them would want to talk to Nanika.

Nanika was Alluka's twin sister. When she was born, it was evident she wasn't "normal." After a few tests, it was deduced that Nanika had an extreme case of Down syndrome. She could barely form sentences and had trouble moving without help. Her appearance differed from Alluka's but not by too much.

Because she wasn't born "normal," Nanika was sent away to people who could take care of her without, once again, "tarnishing" the Zoldyck name.

"Then let Alluka call her," Killua says, "she didn't do anything wrong."

Illumi's expression (well, lack of) doesn't change. Killua stops himself from shaking under Illumi's gaze. He has to tough it out, for Alluka and Nanika.

"Alluka's freedoms are up to whether you're doing your job or not."

"Then let's add talking to Nanika alone to the list," Killua proposes. "At least for the next two weeks. I've been good this past week, give her that."

Illumi tilts his head, the only show of emotion displayed during their conversation. "You both lost that privilege the moment you fought back."

"I understand what I do affects her, but both of us have been good this week, haven't we?" That's a lie, but Killua wasn't going to admit that. "That's got to count for something, Big Brother."

Killua knew Illumi liked to be called Big Brother, just as Alluka calls Killua. Killua assumed it had something to do with wanting the sibling relationship he and Alluka had.

Illumi says nothing for a few moments, contemplating. Killua could practically see the gears turning.

"Being good is something you're supposed to do," Illumi says, "why should I grant you this?"

"I'll come home after clubs," Killua offers, "I'll study here instead of the library."

His fists clench. That'll mean no more after-school time with Gon. Killua hates the idea of losing that, but losing any connection to either of his younger sisters would be worse. 

"That won't be enough," Illumi responds simply.

"Then what can—"

"There's nothing that can be done," Illumi interrupts, not wanting to argue. "Nanika will speak to whomever I choose in the next few weeks."

"You won't even let me—"

"End of discussion, Killua."

Killua closes his mouth. Illumi looks down at his laptop again, after giving the subtle sign. If Killua was a stranger in the house, he wouldn't have recognized the subtle nod Illumi gave to the butler in the corner. Unfortunately, he knows the sign all too well. That's why he doesn't flinch when a hand places itself on Killua's shoulder.

The Zoldyck family never physically harmed Killua themselves. No, they got the butlers to do it. Anyone could feel the butler's wrath. In fact, Killua knew Illumi and Milluki both faced it until Killua was named the heir. The butlers never laid a finger on Kalluto, Alluka, or Nanika. Killua was their target, has been, and will be until he's taken over the firm.

He doesn't bother asking what he did wrong, he already knows. "A wrongful demand," Illumi would say. It's the reason for a majority of the beatings.

He doesn't fight as he's forcefully turned and led out of the study. It would hurt, it always does, but Killua would embrace it. He deserved the pain for failing his sisters, right?

He doesn't let the angry tears fall. Instead, he clenched his fists in anger and focused on angry thoughts over the depressed ones.  
  


————

Killua was still angry when Monday rolled around, two days after the conversation with Illumi. His body was bruised again, each one able to be hidden under his shirt. It didn't hurt to move, not after the first day, but he's experienced much worse.

As dumb as it sounded, Killua wanted to do something rebellious.

Yes, he would still go to his clubs and his study session in the library, but afterward, he would do something that would both tick his family off while preventing any more damage to the whole Nanika situation.

He already had the perfect thing in mind.

The time changes to 6:30, an hour and a half after he and Gon met up in the library. Killua took his nap and studied for an hour to leave time for what he wanted to do.

"Already?" Gon's voice chimes.

 _Shit_! Killua inwardly curses. He'd forgotten Gon was there. Gon had been so quiet today, much unlike his usual self.

"Yeah," Killua mumbles. "I got somewhere to be."

"Is it somewhere I can go?" Gon asks hopefully. Killua doesn't look at him as he packs his textbooks, hiding his smile.

"Depends, how do you feel about tattoo parlors?"

"You're getting a tattoo?!" Gon exclaims, earning a scolding and glares from the librarian and other students.

Killua scoffs. "Nah, I'm not getting a tattoo. I'm just getting my ears pierced."

Gon's eyes light up. "You are?!" His eyes look at Killua's ears. "Killua, you would look amazing with earrings!"

"Idiot!" Killua snaps, shoving Gon away. "Don't say dumb shit like that!"

"But it's not dumb," Gon argues, tilting his head at him. "It's the truth." Gon sits up excitedly as Killua continues to pack. "What made you want to get your ears pierced?"

Killua shrugs. "The family pissed me off. This is the best I can do to piss them off without ruining anything." Killua lets out a small chuckle. "I know, it's petty—"

"It's not childish," Gon argues again, "as long as it keeps you from getting in trouble, it's great! But you're not just getting them pierced because of this, right? You actually want earrings?"

Killua shrugs. "I'd been thinking about it for a while. My brother just gave me a little push."

Gon knew from the other night to not push on the subject of Killua's family. Of course, that doesn't stop him.

"You're a middle child, right?" Gon asks, forcing Killua to look over at him. "Even though your the chosen herb, or whatever, does that mean no one else has to work hard like you?"

Killua snorts at the use of the wrong word. _Okay, that's not too bad_. Killua doesn't mind explaining that one.

"It's _heir_ , not herb. My oldest brother's already part of the firm," Killua explains, "doesn't stop him from being a kiss ass. My other older brother is just some pig who sits around all day. He's good at his job from a technological standpoint, but other than that he's kinda lazy." Killua lets out a snort. "He's a bit of a disappointment."

"And your younger siblings?"

"Kalluto's only thirteen, but he used to be a huge mama's boy," Killua answers, "but I think he's grown out of it."

Gon frowns. "What about Alluka?"

Killua gives Gon a look, one that demands there be no more questions. Killua loved his sisters with all his heart, but bringing up Alluka would make him accidentally bring up Nanika and it's too early for Gon to know anything.

That, and it would come with more depressive thoughts. Killua couldn't handle those right now.

"Come on," Killua commands, hiking his backpack over his shoulder. "We gotta get going. I gotta be home by 7:15."

"Where are we going?"

Killua shrugs. "Not sure. I set up an appointment at the one closest to the school—"

"You're kidding!" Gon exclaims, grinning at Killua. "The one on Padokea Boulevard?" Killua nods, still confused by the sudden excitement. "My friend works there!"

"Really?"

_Shit, now I gotta meet someone Gon cares about._

"Yeah! Maybe we'll see them!" Gon tugs his jacket on before pulling his backpack on. "Come on! We don't wanna be late!"

They took Killua's car, since Gon didn't have one of his own, and drove the ten-minute drive to the tattoo parlor. The outside of it was, as expected, a little bright. The night sky looked down at the two as they got out of Killua's Beamer and approached the somewhat run-down building. A pink neon sign blinking open! at the two.

Killua wasn't nervous, not for the reason one would think. He wasn't scared to enter the tattoo parlor, he wasn't scared of the needle that would go through his ears, and he wasn't scared of being here rather than the library.

He was more worried about this friend of Gon. Would they be just like Gon? No, no one could be like Gon. Would they like Killua? Would Gon drop him if they didn't?

They enter the parlor and Killua was surprised they were still open.

A blonde steps into view, an apron hiding most of their body. Killua thought the blonde looked a little feminine.

" _Kurapika_!" Gon exclaims, gaining the attention of the blonde. The blonde turns around, facing the two with a smile on their face. No, facing _Gon_ with a smile on their face.

"Gon!" This 'Kurapika' greets. "What are you doing here?"

"My friend wants his ears pierced!" Gon exclaims, gesturing to the pale boy beside him. Killua gives an awkward wave. Gon looks at Killua before gesturing to Kurapika. "Killua, this is Kurapika. They're a really good friend of mine. They graduated from our school, but before we started."

Killua nods his head at Kurapika, making eye contact with the blonde. He notes the scarlet tint in Kurapika's eyes.

"You're the guy that called earlier, right?" Killua nods. "Nice. Thanks for the warning, I'm not a huge fan of walk-ins."

Killua lets out a little 'heh,' but doesn't say much else. _Stop being worried_ , he scolds himself, _it's just a friend of Gon. No big deal._

"So," Kurapika starts, "you're here to get your ears pierced?"

"Yeah," Killua answers. Gon bounces on the balls of his feet excitedly. "I already brought the pair I wanted to use if that's okay?"

Kurapika shrugs. "Not a big deal. Let me see to make sure it'll work." Killua pulls out the studded earrings. They were obviously a starter pair, but the jewel was black rather than that fake diamond most usually have. "Looks good."

Kurapika gestures to one of the reclined chairs. Killua takes a seat, jumping in surprise as Kurapika inclines the seat to get it normal.

"Where'd you find this albino?" Kurapika asks, acting as if Killua wasn't sitting right there.

Killua scoffs. "Where'd you find this twink?"

The three are quiet for a few moments, causing Killua to inwardly panic. _Shit, why did I say that? I barely know this guy. Gon's gonna ditch me for sure. There's no way—_

The laughter interrupts his thoughts. Gon was covering his mouth with his hand, trying to hold it in, while Kurapika laughed shamelessly. Their laughs echo throughout the parlor.

"I like this one, Gon," Kurapika laughs out, "he's funny. How much you wanna bet Leorio would hate him?"

"Leorio wouldn't hate him!" Gon argues before looking back at Killua. Gon bites the inside of his cheek. "Well..."

"Who's that?" Killua questions, leaning back in the seat. Another one of Gon's friends?

"Boyfriend," Kurapika says dismissively, "he's a nurse right now, working on being a doctor. He'd hate you. You're a sarcastic little shit, aren't you?"

"I'm as innocent as one could be," Killua responds before giving a cheeky grin. Kurapika chuckles before getting the needle ready.

"Alright, you're gonna feel a little pinch—"

Later, when Killua was alone in his room with throbbing, red ears and a notebook in hand, he would add to the list:

_reason three: rebellious decisions._

He didn’t want to include the blonde he met today, not until he met this “Leorio” the two kept going on about.

But until that happens, Killua was gonna keep the list with small things until he felt better enough to add the important things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ew that ending was so rushed lmao
> 
> um thank y’all so much for the comments and kudos and bookmarks! I try to respond to every comment, if you couldn’t tell aha. 
> 
> until next time!


	5. reason four: the beauty of the natural world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentioning of underage drinking and smoking marijuana. 
> 
> Nothing too serious, but if you feel anything needs a trigger warning don’t be afraid to let me know!

Killua could sense the staring. Usually, when Killua took his nap, Gon would join. The two would sleep at the round table for thirty minutes (whenever Killua's alarm went off) before studying for the remainder of the time.

But something was off this time, and it had something to do with Gon staring at Killua's sleeping self.

Killua opens an eye before giving a sly smile. "What's with the staring? See something you like?"

"Yeah," Gon admits, not looking away. He gives a grin. "You're very pretty."

Killua's smile falls as his cheeks turn beet red. He uses Gon's jacket to hide his embarrassed face. " _Idiot_!"

"What?" Gon asks innocently. "You do! I can't tell if you're prettier when you're relaxed or when you're smiling."

"Gon!" Killua hisses out, still hiding his face. "You can't just say things like that!"

"Why not? It's the truth!"

"Yeah, but..." Killua trails off, trying to figure out how to say it without embarrassing himself. "That's what people who _like_ each other say."

"Okay?" Gon frowns in confusion. "I like you, Killua. We're friends by now, aren't we?"

"Yeah, of course, but—"

"Then what's the problem?" Gon questions. His brows were furrowed from genuine confusion. "I'm just complimenting you."

Killua lets out a groan. "Can we just...change the subject?"

"But Killua—"

" _Please_?"

Gon sighs, indicating how he relented. "Alright," he agrees. "Will you come to a party with me on Saturday?"

That gets Killua to face Gon again. Killua sits up, no longer resting his head on the jacket. "You want me to _what_?"

"Come to a party with me on Saturday," Gon repeats. "It's a college party, 'cause Kurapika and Leorio are going, but they said it'd be cool if we went."   


A party? That meant a lot of strangers. Killua wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle that. Though, it would give him a good excuse to hang out with that Kurapika guy again. And, he’ll get to meet the boyfriend.

"I didn't take you for a partier," Killua admits.

Gon shrugs. "I don't drink often, but when I do it's pretty fun. What about you?"

Killua gives a nonchalant shrug. "Don't know. Never got to do any of that stuff."

"Have you wanted to?"

Killua pauses to think. Truth be told, he never really thought about it. Yeah, he's seen movies and shows that show drunken idiots run around, but it never seemed to interest him.

"Maybe someday, but I don't think I can drink with so many people I don't know."

Gon purses his lips in thought. He taps his chin, thinking of a better alternative. "What about smoking? I've done it once, but I got a little paranoid."

Killua knew there were different effects from weed. A person could either be paranoid as fuck, borderline hallucinogenic, or chill. He knew it depended on the weed and the person. It's a least a one third chance of getting the relaxed effect he wants. He'd be willing to try.

"Never smoked, but I wouldn't mind trying," Killua admits. "I haven't gotten to do much during my adolescence."

"Right, do you think you'll be able to go Saturday?"

Saturday will be when Killua would get to talk to Nanika. But, since that permission's been revoked...

"Yeah, I think I could."

Gon grins. "Great! I'll be your babysitter!" Killua frowns at the term. He hadn't heard that term in matters related to partying. Gon could see the confusion. "I'll stay sober all night and make sure nothing bad happens to you!"

Killua scoffs. "I'm not gonna ruin your fun just so you can take care of me."

"Taking care of you will be my fun!" Gon says, "at least, for that night."

"Gon," Killua sighs, "I'm not—"

 _You're not what?_ His thoughts interrupt. _Worth it? Come on, you know he's not gonna go for that. He'll make an even bigger deal out of your relationship if you say that._

What the hell was that supposed to mean?

_Idiot. You think he's gonna stick around after a month? Once he thinks you're "cured," you two are done._

Ugh. Killua hated that voice. It always implemented doubtful thoughts into his head. Killua knew he could trust Gon. He knew they were friends, even if he didn't initially want it.

"—I'm not trying to rush into anything. It's not until Saturday," Killua finishes.

Gon nods his head. "That's okay," he reassures, "even if you don't feel ready by the party, just know I'll be sober all night!"

"You don't have—"

"I know I don't have to," Gon interrupts, "I want to. I want to help you live your life to the fullest."

Killua sighs. "Can Ikalgo come too? It's okay if he can't, but I don't get to hang—"

"Of course!" Gon agrees. Killua notes the tooth-less smile. "Anything to help you feel comfortable."

Killua bites the inside of his cheek. "Alright, sounds good." Killua taps his fingers on the table, ignoring the closed textbook beside him. Is this gonna be the fourth reason? He furrows his brows at the thought. "Is this gonna be the fourth reason?"

Gon immediately shakes his head. "Of course not, Killua. After this weekend, I'll only have two weeks left to give a lot of reasons. I want to make the most out of this month."

"So, did you plan something for today?"

Gon grins. "Of course I did. But...it'll require us to leave after you finish your nap."

"I'm done with that," Killua dismisses. He couldn't help but get a little excited for whatever Gon wanted to do. "We can go now?"

"Perfect!" Gon grabs his jacket before sliding it on his shoulders.

He grabs one of Killua's textbooks before putting it in the latter's backpack. They both reach for the same one, allowing their fingers to brush against each other. Killua freezes at the touch, not exactly used to. Gon didn't seem to notice it as much as Killua did. That became evident when he easily put the other textbook in the backpack.

 _Of course he didn't notice_ , Killua thinks. _God, I'm such an idiot. Why am I so embarrassed? It wasn't a big deal. Why am I making this a big deal? Stupid brain, making me think the worst._

"Hey, Killua?" Gon asks, pulling Killua from his embarrassed thoughts. "I really like your earrings. You look great with them." 

Killua's cheeks burn, clearly appalled by the bluntness. "Gon—"

"I know you don't like compliments," Gon interrupts for the millionth time that hour. "But, I'm not gonna stop. When I think you look amazing, chances are I'm gonna say it."

"I—uh...um," Killua stammers before clearing his throat. He zips his backpack in an attempt to hide. "Do whatever you want."

The answer seemed to be good enough for Gon because he's back to grinning like an idiot.

"So," Killua continues, "where are we going?"

"Do you like being outside?"

"Depends, am I being led to my murder in the woods?" Killua jokes. They start leaving the library, gaining the attention of the librarian for a few moments.

"I'd never!" Gon exclaims. "No, I want to show you something. You'll love it."

"It's almost dark, what could you possibly show me?" Killua retorts.

"If you'd hurry, we'll make it in time."

"In time for what?"

But his question fell on deaf ears. Once they reached outside, Gon took off in a jog, almost leaving Killua behind. _That idiot_ , Killua thinks before reluctantly following him.

————

Six minutes later, Killua had managed to follow Gon into the woods behind the school. They were jogging at a steady pace until Gon looked up and saw the golden rays of the oncoming sunset. That caused the soccer player to speed up.

Killua almost called out to him after nearly losing sight of the shorter boy, but decided against it. All he had to do was keep up. He wasn't willing to fail at that.

The woods began to clear a few moments later, revealing a sudden incline. _Are we really only a ten minute run away from the school?_ Killua thought. He hadn't seen this part before, not to say he's explored their town before.

"Killua, hurry!" Gon urges as he runs up toward the top of the hill.

Killua rolls his eyes before hiking up his backpack again. He's no where near the physical strength he was at when he played soccer, so the run proved to be a little more difficult. _I should fix that_ , he tells himself.

"Yeah, yeah," he calls back as he reaches the boy. A few more steps and he's beside the boy.

Before he can look ahead, calloused hands cover his eyes from behind. The action made him gasp surprise. And for a moment, Killua was home being punished for something outlandish.

He pulls himself together before going, " _Gon_! What the fuck are you doing?"

"It's not time," the other argues excitedly. Killua could tell he was bouncing from excitement.

Killua knew the sun was setting. He had a feeling it would be the sunset as the thing Gon wanted to show him. It's a good thing the time change allowed the sunset to happen earlier rather than when Killua needed to be home.

Killua couldn't see through Gon's hands, so he had no way of knowing when it would be time. He shrugs off his backpack and drops it beside him. What he didn't expect was Gon to move closer, putting Killua's back against his chest.

Killua freezes at the warmth. It's freezing, but the running combined with the furnace that is Gon Freecs, Killua felt warm. _It feels really nice._

"Killua, your cheeks are warm," Gon says from behind. Killua shudders at the breath on his neck. God, why did he have to be so close?

"Cause your hands are hot, idiot," Killua bites back. "Put them down already, I wanna see."

He could hear Gon giggling behind him. Suddenly, the spikes that are Gon's hair brushes against his cheek, and a heavy weight his put on his right shoulder.

"Not yet, _Killua_ ," Gon whispers. Killua shudders again, but resists the urge to pull away. He ignores the way his heart clenches at the sound of his name. Gon wanted him to wait, so he'll wait.

A few more moments pass in silence until Killua finally decided to say something. "Are you done yet?"

"Almost," Gon whispers eagerly. A few more moments pass before Gon lets out a sigh or relief. "Alright, you ready?"

" _Yes_ , Gon," Killua huffs out. He almost immediately regretted it when the warmth that was Gon Freecs pulls away.

The hands removed themselves, allowing Killua to blink thrice before looking ahead.

He didn't expect it to be this...serene. It was just a sunset for heaven's sake. But the orange mixed with the pinks and the purples illuminating the lake and trees below...

Killua didn't know this place even existed. Whatever hill they were on gave a perfect view of the large lake. The colors reflected themselves on the lake, making it a completely different color. The trees, almost bare due to the winter, provided shadows surrounded by beautiful color. It was all reflected from the lake.

_Holy shit._

"Right?" Gon breathes out. _I said that out loud?_ Killua questions himself. "I found this place when I first moved here."

Oh yeah, Gon wasn't from here. Where was he from again? It was interesting news around middle school, but Killua didn't bother to remember the information. 

"You're from somewhere in the tropics, right?" Killua questions, not taking his eyes off the scene.

"Mhmm," Gon agrees, "Whale Island."

Killua finally looks over at Gon, only to forget what he was going to say. It was hard to remember with the way Gon looked. The sunset only darkened his already tan skin. He could barely see the green dye in the spikes.

Killua could see the colors reflecting in those honey eyes. It mixed well. His eyes were bright with a mix of excitement and serene.

"Killua?"

Fuck. He was caught staring. Killua ignores the fact he was caught and instead tries to placate his embarrassment by answering with, "yeah?"

Gon smiles. "Do you like it?"

Killua smiles back, not bothering to physically hide his red cheeks. Hopefully, the lowering sun would help.

"Yeah," Killua breathes out, "it's perfect."

"I've always liked being outside," Gon admits with a nostalgic sigh. "Aunt Mito, my mom, says I would spend every day in the forests of Whale Island. I miss it."

"Why'd you guys leave?"

The innocent question caused something to change in Gon's demeanor. His eyes seemed to darken and his shoulders tensed. Killua noted the way his hand twitched toward his other arm.

But as fast as it shifted, he went back to being his energetic self.

"There was some trouble," Gon admits, "so Aunt Mito decided a fresh start would do us some good."

There was more to it, there always was, but Killua knew better than the push. He recognized the dark look, having felt it many times himself. _I guess even he has his troubles._

Gon would tell him when he's ready.

But until then, Killua would nod and ask nothing of it.

"I guess that means you're not too used to the cold then," he says instead.

Gon shrugs. "Kinda. It's a good thing it doesn't snow here, but it is pretty chilly during the winter. I usually have to layer up."

Killua nods in agreement. "How long did you find this? Looks like not a lot of people know about it."

Gon's smile is directed at Killua again. "First year I moved here. I think..." he pauses to conectarte for a moment, "I think you're the first person I've taken here."

Killua's heart nearly jumps out of his chest. _I might be the first person Gon's taken here?_

"What, you didn't bring any lovers out here?" Killua teases. He couldn't help it. For some reason, he felt the need to suddenly know who else was in Gon's life.

"No," Gon admits. _Was that an implication he's had partners before?_ Killua didn't know Gon's sexual orientation, but he didn't want to straight up ask. If Gon was straight, he might get uncomfortable after hearing Killua's answer and Killua would do anything to prevent Gon from being uncomfortable.

"Then why'd you bring me?" He could see his breath.

"Sorry, Killua, I thought I was obvious." Killua's chest tightens. "I wanted to show you how beautiful this town is."

"Reason number four," Killua realizes. For some reason, he felt disappointed. But one look at Gon's bright self made him feel grateful. Gon wanted to show Killua something he appreciated.

"I wanted to show you more, but it's hard with it being winter." Gon looks over at Killua. "I'll show you when it's spring."

"Yeah," Killua mumbles, "I'd like that."

The sun had set by now, leaving the two in darkness. The only thing illuminating the view and each other was the moon and the stars. Killua found it just as beautiful. Neither of them made a move to leave.

In fact, Gon takes a seat on the grass. Killua sits beside him, noting how Gon's resting on his palms. Killua mimics the position, finding it more comfortable than sitting up straight.

"Wow," Gon breathes out. Killua fidgets under his sudden gaze. "Killua, you're like the moon."

_And you're like the sun._

"Because I'm practically albino?" Killua retorts with a teasing smile.

"Yeah, but you're both so _beautiful_." 

" _Dumbass_ ," Killua curses, "you can't just say things like that. It's embarrassing."

"How?" Gon questions, "no one else is here but us, if that's what you're worried about."

"It just...it just is," Killua retorts weakly. Without a second thought, Killua lays down to look at the stars. He could hear Gon chuckling beside him and it sounded so...nice. Gon lays down beside him, only a few inches away.

Killua didn't want to go home that night. He just wanted to stay by Gon's side for who knows how long. He appreciated Gon's presence so much the past week, it provided an escape.

He just wished Gon felt the same way about him. No one would ever feel that way about Killua, he was certain of that.

Is this what friendship was like? He'd never felt this strong about Ikalgo, but their friendship was different. Their friendship was more casual. But his and Gon's...there was something different. _Best friends, maybe?_

_Don't be an idiot, Killua, you've only known each other for a week._

But still. The connection between the two was so strong. It's like they'd been friends since childhood. He was certain he wasn't imagining it.

"Hey, Killua?" Gon calls out.

"Yeah, Gon?"

There was a slight pause. "I really like hanging out with you," he admits. It was like he could hear Killua's thoughts. "Sorry if that sounds weird since we've only known each other for, like, a week and a half, but I feel...I feel like we've known each other for much longer."

Killua doesn't say anything for a few moments. _He feels the same way?_ Killua’s chest tightens for the millionth time that day 

"Sorry," Gon abruptly apologizes, "I didn't meant to make you uncomfortable. It's just how I feel."

"No," Killua argues, "I know what you mean." He turns to face Gon, only to see the other already staring at him. "I feel the same."

Gon grins. Suddenly, his warm hand was gently holding Killua's cold hand. Stubby fingers wrapped around slender.

 _I could die_ , Killua couldn't help but think, _right now. I could die happy._

Even if it was temporary, he thought it was worth it.

He doesn't pull his hand away, or make any sound of protest. He enjoyed the warmth produced, especially with how cold it would get.

Him, being _here_ with Gon...it felt perfect.

He liked reason number four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank yall so much for all of the support you guys have given! I’m glad y’all are as excited for this story as I am! 
> 
> I think what I wrote could be called fluff, idk I’m lonely, but I thought it was cute or whateva
> 
> until next time!


	6. reason five: getting fucked up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is underage drinking and smoking in this chapter! it’s a college party.   
> But I don’t believe it’s anything triggering. 
> 
> if you feel it or anything else needs a warning, don’t be afraid to tell me! y’all enjoy!

"Big Brother, you look good!"

Killua rolls his eyes at his sister through the reflection. He already knew he looked good, he spent time and money on the casual outfit, but it was nice to hear it from Alluka.

A long-sleeved, black and white shirt was mostly hidden beneath the short-sleeved light purple shirt. The undershirt was tucked in his black jeans. He liked how they hugged his butt but were loose enough at the bottom to cuff. A black belt with a silver buckle draped around his waist. His sneakers were white with purple and black designs to match his outfit. He painted his nails to match the light purple shirt. 

"I know," he replies, looking smug. Alluka rolls her eyes in response.

"You're missing something," she says before leaving his room without a hint. Killua doesn't worry, knowing Alluka would never do him dirty.

She's back a minute later with a black bucket hat in hand. She grins at Killua excitedly. Killua takes the offered hat and adjusts his bangs before placing it on his head.

She's right, it did pull the outfit together.

He grins as he looks at himself in the mirror again. "I love it." He looks at her through the reflection. "You think it's too much for a party?"

Alluka shrugs. "Who cares? You look great and that's all that matters."

He turns around again. "You sure? I don't want to embarrass Gon or anything by being extra."

"Embarrass?" Alluka lets out a snort. "Big Brother, you're gonna make him fall in love. Or at least a little horny."

"Alluka!" Killua scolds with mortification. His cheeks redden. "You should _not_ be saying those things."

"I'm fifteen," Alluka deadpans. "Besides, isn't that why you're putting in so much effort? To impress Gon?"

"Gon and I are just friends," Killua argues as he brushes his bangs out of the way with his fingers. "Besides, I'm just trying to look good for a party."

"Yeah, your _first_ party," Alluka grins before bumping into his hip with her own. "Aren't you excited?"

Truth be told, Killua wasn't too good with strangers, especially with a lot of them. But, he'd have Gon and Ikalgo to help. And he'd get to know Kurapika and their boyfriend a little more.

Killua shrugs. "We'll see how it goes." 

"Of course," Alluka nods, "just remember, if you drink, make sure to balance it out with water and _stay with someone_. And if you smoke, _stick with someone._ "

"That sounds like the same thing," Killua notes with a tilted smile.

"It is," Alluka snaps, "neither of us knows how you are under any type of influence. I don't want you wandering off."

"Gon said he would stay sober all night, even if I don't want to try anything," Killua reassures, "I trust he'll keep to his word."

"He really does care for you," Alluka muses, making Killua's brows furrow. "When are you leaving?"

"In a few minutes," Killua answers, "Ikalgo said he'd meet me at the end of the driveway." The end of the driveway was a long walk for most people. He sighs at the excited look on Alluka's face. "Thank you for covering."

Alluka grins. "You've done too much for me, Big Brother. Let me do this for you."

 _No, I haven't_ , Killua wanted to argue. Instead, he says, "I'm sorry I couldn't get you alone time with Nanika." 

Alluka's grin turns into a sad smile. "I know. You tried your best," she reassures. "It's not your fault Illumi's in charge of us."

"I know, it's just..." he bows his head, the shadow of the bucket hat combined with his bangs help hide his eyes. "I really wish I could've done something."

Warm hands grab his cold, making him look at his younger sister in surprise. He notes her wet eyes and incoming tears.

"You did all you could," Alluka reassures again, "please, it's not your fault." She gives a gentle squeeze. "We'll get to see her next weekend, alright?"

"Not if I get caught," Killua whispers. "I should stay home, this isn't worth it—"

"Big Brother," Alluka interrupts, "you deserve some fun. I promise they won't catch you. I'll do what I did last time."

"What _did_ you do last time?" Killua asks, still not sure how he got away with going to the soccer game last week.

"That doesn't matter," she dismisses. She squeezes his hands before letting go. She makes her way to Killua's window, where he'll have to climb out to get to the driveway. "I can't see through the trees, but I bet your friend is here."

"Alluka—"

"Big Brother, _go_ ," Alluka demands. She gives him a reassuring smile. "I'll be waiting for you, be careful."

Killua smiles before making his way to her. "Thank you, Alluka." He kissed her on the forehead, making her giggle. One leg at a time, Killua perches himself on the windowsill.

Since he's on the second floor, Killua has to make a small leap to the tree beside his window. From that, he'll climb down the tree and make his way down the driveway.  
  


————

"Ya know, I'm surprised you want me to come too," Ikalgo admits as he parks his car across the house. Both could see the flashing lights and hear the loud music. People were walking in and stumbling out.

"Why?" Killua questions, looking over at the redhead. "We don't get to hang out often."

"Yeah, but Gon invited you, right?" Killua nods in approval. "I figured you'd want some alone time with him."

They both get out of Ikalgo's old Honda before making their way toward the house. "I wanted to experience this with you too," Killua says.

"You're drinking?" Ikalgo grins. Killua shrugs before tucking his hands into his pockets.

"Not sure yet. I wanna meet Kurapika and their boyfriend before I decide anything." They start crossing the street.

"That's the guy who pierced your ears, right?"

Killua nods. "Yeah, they seem pretty cool." He gives a devilish grin. "Don't tell anyone I said that."

Ikalgo chuckles before rolling his eyes. "So, where are we meeting Gon?"

" _KILLUA_!"

Speak of the Devil and they shall appear...

 _But Gon is the furthest thing from the Devil_. Killua flinches at the loud voice and tries to hide under the comfort of his bucket hat in an attempt to hide the embarrassment.

Gon approaches Killua and Ikalgo with his signature grin. He's dressed pretty casually. Killua raises a brow at the sight of dark green jeans. Gon matches it with a plain white shirt and his green letterman jacket.

Gon's eyes widen in amazement, not taking his gaze off of Killua's body.

" _Wow_ ," Gon lets out softly, "Killua, you look amazing!"

Ikalgo gives a sly smile to Killua's tense self. "Doesn't he?" Ikalgo says on Killua's behalf. "I thought the same thing."

Gon doesn't take his eyes off Killua but nods in agreement. "I'm not used to t-shirts on you."

Killua shrugs. "Yeah, well, it's a party, right?" Gon grins at the response.

"Come on, Kurapika and Leorio are inside." He finally looks over at Ikalgo in recognition. "If you drink, there's a bar over in the corner."

"Uh, I'm driving tonight," Ikalgo coughs out awkwardly.

"Oh," Gon replies lamely, "well, I guess you'll get to meet Kurapika and Leorio earlier!" Killua could sense a change in Gon's demeanor, but it quickly shifts once he's facing Killua again. He grabs Killua's hand. "Come on, they were on the couch last I checked."

The music gets louder and the number of people increases as they walk inside the house. Killua could feel the gleeful atmosphere, it was almost the same as the soccer game's. He ignores the fluttering in his stomach as Gon's grip tightens.

"Gon!" A cheerful voice exclaims, getting the three's attention. A large, muscular dude approaches with the kindest grin. Killua gives a distasteful look at the hair arranged in a pompadour. Killua could tell the newcomer was already intoxicated.

"Knuckle!" Gon greets back gleefully, not letting go of Killua. "I didn't know you'd be here!"

"How?" This 'Knuckle' responds. "If I didn't show up, nobody would be getting high!"

Killua's grip around Gon's hand unintentionally tightens. His stomach dropped, and for some reason, Killua was starting to feel a little anxious.

"Oh!" Gon says before looking back at Killua and Ikalgo. "These are my friends, Killua and Ikalgo." 

Knuckle looks down at the interlocked hands before giving another grin. "I see, I see." He chuckles before aggressively patting Gon on the back. Gon doesn't even flinch. "Go get some, player."

Knuckle notes something behind them. With another shout, he leaves the three and starts heading toward the dance floor.

Gon looks back at Killua with a sheepish smile, rubbing the back of his red neck with his free hand. "Sorry about that," Gon apologizes, "Knuckle can be a little forward when he's drunk. He's very sweet once you get to know him."

Killua nods his head, forcing a small smile but says nothing else. He couldn't explain it, but his anxiety was at risk of going crazy at the sight of all of these close people.

Killua jumps at the hand placing itself on his shoulder. He looks over, only to see Ikalgo with a worried look.

"You good?" Ikalgo asks, "You look a little pale." This grabs Gon's attention.

"Yeah," Killua reassures, forcing a smile, "I'm great. Where's Kurapika?"

Gon stares at Killua for a few moments, making sure it's okay to lead him to Kurapika. "Yeah, they should be this way," Gon promises.

Killua and Ikalgo are led into a different room, one with the couch as its centerpiece. There were fewer people, thank goodness, but the few there were all surrounding the two people on the couch.

"Kurapika! Leorio!" Gon calls out, forcing the group to part.

Sitting on the couch was an old guy who looked to be in his forties. Killua notes the circular glasses and how his hair was almost styled the same as Gon's. Despite being at a college party, the man was dressed in a blazer and khakis.

Sitting on his lap was the blonde tattoo artist with the most interesting colored eyes.

"You're dating a forty-year-old?" Killua greets, gaining their attention. He noted the red in both of their faces, indicating the amount they'd had to drink.

" _FORTY_?!" The older man exclaims, face getting redder. Kurapika doesn't flinch at the loudness. Kurapika and Gon don't bother hiding their laughter. "I'm twenty-four!"

Killua scoffs, any uneasiness slowly disappearing. "Yeah, right."

The older guy looks over at Kurapika and Gon. "Is this the little shit you were talking about?"

"Yeah," Kurapika admits before looking over at Killua with a grin. "He's hilarious. I had a feeling you'd like him."

"The fucker just called me old!"

"So does everyone else," Gon reminds before looking at Killua again. "This is Leorio."

 _Ah_ , Killua notes. _The boyfriend. I should've known based on the way they were holding each other._

Kurapika stares at something, forcing Killua to follow his gaze toward his and Gon's hands. It's then he notices Gon's hand still holding his own. His face started to get turn a little red as he slips his hand out. Gon swiftly turns his head, looking at Killua in confusion, but Killua ignores it.

"You're Killua, right?" Leorio grumbles, "I would say it's nice meeting you, but you're a little shit."

"Wish I could say the same, old man." Killua grins before putting his hands in his pockets. He nods his head at Ikalgo. "This is my friend, Ikalgo."

"Ah," Kurapika notes. He greets the redhead with a nod of his head. "Nice meeting you, man. Want anything?"

"Nah," Ikalgo denies, "I'm supposed to be driving Killua home."

"Right," Kurapika mumbles before looking over at Killua. "You ready or did you want to wait?"

"I think I'm gonna get something to eat first," Killua says before nodding toward the kitchen. "Ikalgo, come with?"

"Yeah, of course," Ikalgo agrees.

"I can take you," Gon offers.

As much as Killua hated saying no to Gon, he had to reject the offer. He needed to talk to Ikalgo for a few moments.

"Don't worry about it," Killua reassures, "We'll be back in a minute. Stay here so I can find you?"

He had never seen Gon look so... _dejected_. Hell, Killua was starting to feel guilty. But, it'll only be for a few moments.

"Yeah," Gon agrees. He takes a seat okay the couch next to Kurapika and Leorio. "I'll be right here." 

Killua gives a tight smile. As they walk toward where he hopes the kitchen is, he can faintly hear Kurapika going, "I like his outfit. It suits him better than those button-ups."

Killua smiles to himself as he enters the kitchen. "What's wrong?" Ikalgo's questions as they enter the kitchen. College students were either hanging around or grabbing something to drink.

"I don't know," Killua admits, "I feel...nervous."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to," Ikalgo reminds. "Gon and I will stay sober all night, no matter what you decide."

"I appreciate that," Killua admits, "but I don't know if it's because of that."

Ikalgo frowns before crossing his arms. "Then, what's the problem?"

Killua bites the inside of his cheek. "I'm not...sure. There's a lot of people that Gon knows." He nods his head toward the couch, which of course could be seen from where their standing. Gon was excitedly talking to people from his spot, looking around with interest.

"Gon's a popular guy," Ikalgo states the obvious. "And half of his friends are in college." Ikalgo looks over at Killua. "Do you want me to take you home?"

"No," Killua answers immediately, shaking his head. "I'll be fine, I just need to eat something. I'll feel okay."

Killua opens the fridge, scanning its contents with his sapphire eyes. His gaze lands on a plate of brownies on the middle shelf, unwrapped and ready for the taking.

 _Chocolate_. The thought made him grin.

"You think I could have one?" Killua asks Ikalgo. Ikalgo's already reaching for one.

"They said help ourselves to whatever," Ikalgo says, already biting into his. Killua grins before grabbing a larger piece.

_Ooh, an edge piece._

Killua bites into it, only to frown a little. He looks at Ikalgo, who's giving the same look. "Do these taste a little weird to you?"

Ikalgo stares at his brownie piece. "Kinda. You think it's got something to do with them being in the fridge?"

Now normally, Killua was smart enough to not eat weird tasting food. But, he could still taste the chocolate in the brownie. Even if it was a little different, it was still chocolate. It didn't seem stale or spoiled in any way.

So, with a shrug, Killua takes another bite of his brownie. And another. And another, until the brownie in his hand is gone. Ikalgo follows suit, neither of them caring anymore.

"Okay," Killua sighs, "we should go back to them."

"You got this," Ikalgo reassures giving a pat on the shoulder. "They're right, by the way."

"Who's right about what?" Killua asks as they make their way to the more chill area or the house. The music started playing something particularly upbeat.

"Kurapika and Gon, about your outfit." Ikalgo looks up at his taller friend. "It suits you a lot better."

Killua gives a sheepish smile. Before he could say anything, Gon was calling out to him.

"Killua! Ikalgo!" He calls out, despite them only being a few feet away from his spot on the couch. "Come meet Palm, Knov, and Morel."

Three more people. A woman with long black hair sits on the couch's armrest, a little too close to Gon for Killua's liking. A tall, lean man with black hair and glasses stands behind the couch, leaning over between Gon and Kurapika gives a nod of acknowledgment. The third, more muscular guy, with silver shoulder-length hair, gives a wave, a joint in between his thick fingers.

"Nice color," the third one, Morel, compliments before pointing to his hair, "did you dye it yourself?"

"Oh," Killua mumbles sheepishly, "uh, no. This is my natural hair color."

The second one, Knov, raises his brows in surprise. Hell, most of the group seems to be surprised. Everyone except Ikalgo.

"What kind of genes do you have?" Knov mumbles.

"Awesome ones, it looks like." Morel grins. He offers the joint. "Want a hit?"

Killua shakes his head. "No thanks, maybe later."

"Holy shit," Ikalgo mumbles from beside Killua. Killua looks over, only to see that Ikalgo was looking off into the other room where people were dancing. "Is that...? Holy shit, _it is!"_

"Who?" Killua questions, gaining Ikalgo's attention.

"An old buddy of mine," Ikalgo admits with the biggest grin. "His name's Meleoron. I'll introduce you in a minute. Mind if I go talk to him?"

"Yeah," Killua says with a dismissive wave, "of course. Go ahead. I'll be right here."

"Thanks, man." He pats Killua's shoulder. "Oye! Meleoron!" 

Killua could hear the faint "Ikalgo!" as Ikalgo makes his way into the other room.

"Hey, Killua?" Gon's voice chimes from the couch. Killua looks down, raising a brow in question. "There's a seat next to me if you want to sit."

Killua notes the space between Gon and Leorio. Kurapika's legs were facing the other way, thank goodness, so he wouldn't get entangled with that.

Killua nods before taking a seat beside Gon. The girl, Palm, leans over a little to stare at Killua better.

"How do you know Gon?" Her voice was smooth, but it almost seemed a little protective. _Gon hasn't mentioned her before_ , Killua thinks, _why would she be protective_?

"How do _you_ know Gon?" Killua retorts before clasping his hands together. He tilts his head. Despite his stare being shadowed by his bucket hat, it affected.

"Oh," Gon answers easily, "we went on a date once."

Killua blinks. _A date?! They went on a date? When? How long ago? Did something come out of it? Don't be an idiot, Killua, obviously not. He said 'once.' Hell, it was almost emphasized._

"Oh," Killua answers lamely, "that's nice. When was that?"

Gon stops to ponder. "I think I was a freshman? She was a senior, at the time."

_So she's four years older than him. Wait, she went on a date with a fourteen-year-old? Why would she—_

"It was just one," Palm sighs before rustling a hand through his hair. Gon whines, swatting her hand away. "He's gonna make someone else happy now." She winks at Killua, causing the latter to look down in embarrassment.

The conversation moved on to something else. Ten minutes passed with Killua not saying a word. Palm, Knov, and Morel were getting into a heated argument about which superpowers were cooler, each of them slightly intoxicated in some way. Kurapika and Leorio were cuddling with each other, talking to two other Killua couldn't see.

Killua hadn't seen Ikalgo since he went to see his friend. He hoped Ikalgo was okay. Maybe he was having a little fun.

 _Good_ , Killua thinks, _Ikalgo deserves a little fun._

"So," Gon mumbles beside Killua, gaining the latter's attention. Killua's stomach does a flip at the soft sound. "You and Ikalgo were in the kitchen for a bit. Did you guys have trouble finding food?"

"Nah," Killua dismisses, leaning back with a sly grin, "we were just talking about something. Found some brownies in the fridge so we each took one."

"Woah," Kurapika chimes from beside them. They turn their head to look at Gon and Killua. Killua notes their red cheeks. "You took a brownie?"

Killua frowns in confusion. "Yeah...?"

Leorio starts laughing loudly beside them, eventually making Kurapika laugh. Gon frowns beside Killua, not sure what's happening either.

"Like," Leorio starts, "you ate a _whole brownie?"_

"Yeah," Killua says, eyes narrowing in annoyance, "what about it?"

"Ha!" Kurapika laughs again. Killua was starting to get worried. _Of course_ , something went wrong.

Gon seemed to sense Killua's worry. "Kurapika, Leorio, what was in those brownies?"

"Knuckle brought 'em!" Kurapika laughs out, holding their stomach with their hand. Killua's eyes widen. _I took an edible? Shit, shit, shit!_ "And that's not even the best part!"

Killua furrows his brows. "What do you mean, Kurapika?"

Leorio takes his turn. "Dude, Knuckle made a bad batch. He accidentally doubled the best part of the recipe."

" _Doubled_?" Killua lets out, eyes wide. "You mean, I ate an edible, and the most important part of it was _doubled_?"

"Hell yeah!" Leorio exclaims.

"Fuck," Killua mumbles before biting his knuckle.

"Oookay," Gon chimes, pulling Killua's hand away from his teeth. "Hey, Killua?" Killua looks over. "It's okay, you'll be fine. It's been, what, fifteen minutes since you took that?" Killua nods. "Good, which means you've got thirty minutes to an hour before it kicks in."

"I thought it took longer?"

"It's usually forty-five minutes to two hours," Gon agrees, "but that's for a part of the brownie. You are the whole thing and the weed was doubled"

"Ikalgo had it too," Killua mumbles worriedly.

"Then we'll find him and get you two situated, alright?" Gon reassures. Killua nods his head in agreement. "Killua, how did you not taste it?"

"We did," Killua admits. Holy fuck I'm an idiot. "But I really like chocolate. We just assumed it had something to do with them being in that gross looking fridge."

Gon chuckles. "And you call me an idiot." Before Killua could tell him to shut up, Gon stands. He gently grabs Killua's hands and pulls him to his feet. "Come on, let's go find Ikalgo."

"He went with someone he knew," Killua says, looking out at the dance floor. "Someone named Meleoron?"

"I know him," Gon confirms, "he's a friend of Knuckle's." Keeping one hand gripped around Killua's, Gon pulls him toward the sea of people.

The music gets louder, as do the number of people. They hadn't been here long, but the party's already reaching its peak.

"Ikalgo?" Killua tries to call out, only for his voice to be drowned out by the music and people.

Someone bumps into Killua, making him run into Gon ahead of him. Gon looks back before giving a reassuring smile.

"Nice ass!" Someone compliments Killua, making him look away in embarrassment. He could feel Gon's grip tighten. 

Killua continues to look around, past the grinning people in hopes of spotting the redhead.

"There he is!" Gon literally points out. Killua looks to where Gon is pointing. Leaning against the wall, not looking too good, was Ikalgo. He's talking to some blonde in a grey hoodie who Killua hoped was Meleoron.

"Ikalgo!" Killua lets out as they approach him and Meleoron.

"Killua!" Ikalgo gasps. He gets off the wall before grabbing both of Killua's hands, pulling one of Gon's grip. "Dude, I ran into Knuckle. We—"

"Yeah," Killua lets out, "I know. Kurapika and Leorio told me." 

"Well, what are we gonna do? I gotta get you home in an hour! I won't be able to drive."

"I can text Alluka," Killua suggests, "get her to cover until it decides to wear off." He looks over at Gon. "How long will that be?" 

Gon bites the inside of his cheek. "I'm not sure," he admits, "the dose is doubled, so it could be unpredictable."

"Fuck," Killua curses.

"We were gonna look for you guys," Meleoron promises, speaking for the first time since they've been approached, "but Ikalgo was worried you might've left."

"Come on," Gon commands gently, switching his gaze between everyone, "let's keep you sitting until we figure out how you'll react."

"I get paranoid," Ikalgo admits, raising his hand slightly.

Gon nods his head. "Alright, that's fine. Don't worry," he gives Killua a reassuring grin, "I'll take care of you."

————

Forty minutes passed before Killua realized the edible finally hit. For Ikalgo, it hit maybe ten minutes before Killua. He spent that time worrying about the couch cushions.

Killua didn't feel too different. At least, he thought he didn't. His mind felt numb, devoid of any anxious thought for the moment. His forehead and fingers tingle, but he wasn't sure from what.

He was laying on something soft, the couch, but his head was propped on something warm. It felt nice. Ikalgo was beside him, clawing at the cushion.

" _Woah_ ," he whispers, moving his fingers a little. He taps his forehead. "I feel like I'm wearing a headband." 

"Killua," Ikalgo whispers frantically, popping into view. It took Killua a second to realize Ikalgo was straddling him. "Look!" A couch pillow pops into view.

"What is it?" Killua mumbles. The music was soft, like a background voice.

"The _cushion_!" Ikalgo whispers, shaking it a little. "It's got itching powder on it!"

Killua frowns. "It does?" _There's no way!_ He reaches out to poke it, but Ikalgo pulls it away. "Ikalgoooo!"

"No!" Ikalgo denies before throwing it behind him. "You can't touch it or you'll get very itchy!"

"I will?" Killua didn't want to get itchy! That wouldn't feel good. "But what about you?"

Ikalgo scratches his arm. "I am! That's how I know! But I gotta protect you, bro!"

"Protect me?" Killua felt like crying tears of joy. Instead, he sits up and wraps his arms around Ikalgo. "Dude, you're so nice. _Thank you!_ "

"Killua!" Ikalgo whispers in shock, "Friends don't say thank you, right?"

"No..." Killua trails before giving a lazy grin. He lets go of Ikalgo to lay down on the warm cushion again, eyes closed in bliss. "Nah..."

Killua opens his eyes after feeling Ikalgo no longer straddling him. Those honey-colored eyes were staring down at him with amusement.

 _Gon_! he recognizes. The thought made him grin blissfully.

Gon's head was blocking the light, but it looked like he was surrounded by a golden glow.

"Are you an angel?" Killua whispers, reaching his hand out. Gon doesn't swat the hand away, allowing Killua to place his hand on his face. Killua strokes his cheek with his thumb. "You're so good and...and bright."

Gon chuckles, making Killua's grin widen. "No, Killua, I'm not an angel. Or good...or bright."

"Yeah, you are..." Killua argues softly. He doesn't stop caressing Gon's cheek. Gon leans into the touch. "You helped me...you're _helping_ me. That's so...nice."

Killua tries to shrug off his hat, but it's not working. He lowers his hand from Gon's face but does nothing with it. He lets out a whine, forcing Gon to take off the bucket hat for him.

Killua grins. "Pet me?"

"Are you sure?" Gon questions. His voice sounds so far, but it was so sweet and kind and concerned. Killua nearly melted at the sound.

"Please?"

Killua lets out a satisfied hum as Gon's hand runs itself through his hair. "I've always wanted to touch your hair," Gon admits, "it looks soft."

"Is it?" Killua asks, closing his eyes in bliss, "I try."

"It is," Gon affirms. "You should let me pet you more often."

"I should," Killua agrees. He gives a lazy smile. "This feels nice, I don't know why I was so worried."

"The first time can be scary if you overthink," Gon agrees. His fingers made Killua feel so relaxed. "But you're doing really good, Killua."

Killua opens his eyes again, feeling like he could fly if he tried. He just felt so _elated_ from the praise. "I am?"

"Yeah." Gon gives a reassuring smile, "you are. I figured you'd be more paranoid."

"I feel like 'm floating," Killua admits, nestling his head against Gon's hand. He liked this feeling, a lot. If this was him high, he wondered how he would be when drunk. "Getting fucked up is fun. This is a good reason."

"Only if you don't do it too much."

Killua absentmindedly nods in agreement. He looks ahead, trying to find Ikalgo who's stopped mumbling about the itchy cushions. The lack of Ikalgo makes Killua frown. "Where's Ikalgo?"

Gon frowns in confusion. "Meleoron helped him to the guest bedroom thirty minutes ago."

_Thirty minutes ago? Oh, how time flies! I wish I could fly. Far, far, away..._

"You should fly away with me," Killua mumbles out loud. "I like being with you." He closes his eyes again. "Can I stay with you?"

"At my place? Or did you want to be with me and Ikalgo in the guest bedroom? Or, if you want, we could stay here on the couch?"

"No, no," Killua mumbles, "I want to stay with _you_. You're an amazing person. I like your...vibes." His stomach and thighs began to tingle, making him giggle just a little.

Gon grins, even though Killua can't see it. "Of course we can stay together, Killua. However long you want."

"Forever," Killua decides, "I want to stay with you forever."

For the first time in a while, Killua went to bed easily. There were no anxious thoughts, no harmful emotions, nothing but goodness. He would deal with his family tomorrow, if Alluka got caught. But, until then, he would enjoy the time he had tonight.

Even if the things he said tonight would be regretted the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again for all of y’all’s support with this story so far!!
> 
> uh i got a tumblr if you wanted to ask any questions you didn’t feel comfortable commenting. same user: callmebyyourmango
> 
> have a great day/night!


	7. reason six: 3 a.m. walks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hisoka  
> TW: The first part of this chapter is a Zoldyck family dinner which will lead to verbal and physical abuse. Nothing is explicitly mentioned.  
> TW: Leorio does bring up Killua’s abuse but doesn’t say the actual word. 
> 
> If you find any of these needing *** then please let me know.

As always, the dinner table was silent save for Kikyo's exclamations/demands and Silva's grunt of an answer.

Killua, sitting between Kikyo and Illumi and across from Kalluto, was eating his meal with the taught pace. Milluki sat across Illumi, eating his food much faster than the rest, and didn't look his father in the eye. Alluka was in her room, as per usual.

"Killua," Kikyo starts for the fifth time tonight. Killua looks at her in acknowledgment. "When will you get rid of those horrid studs in your ears?"

Killua resists the urge to smile. His mother had been complaining about his earrings since he got them.

"Let him go through his rebellious phase, darling," Silva responds instead, "He'll grow out of it."

That was Silva's response anytime Killua had done something different. It was his response when Killua painted his nails, pierced his ears, and...fought back.

"And if he doesn't?" Kikyo demands once again, acting as if the rest of the family wasn't there, "The heir of our firm will not be walking around with earrings and painted nails! It's unprofessional, Silva!"

"If Killua continues with his behavior, we'll just have to lead him to the right path." Silva makes eye contact with Killua, making Killua's stomach do flips. "Isn't that right, son?"

 _I hate you, I hate you, I hate you_ , Killua fought the urge to say.

Instead, he nods his head in agreement before looking away. Beside him, Kikyo scoffs in disappointment. 

"Killua, dear," Kikyo scolds, "that is not how you address your father."

Killua lets out a quiet sigh before looking at his father again. Silva hadn't looked away, waiting for the correct response.

"Yes, Father," Killua responds after straightening his posture, "you're correct."

Silva gives a cold smile before focusing on his meal again.

"With Killua's delinquency in mind, I feel it is time to bring more pressing matters to the conversation," Illumi announces, making Killua's stomach drop, "Killua returned to the house earlier this morning. It appears he snuck out again."

Killua's fork falls from his hand, clattering loudly onto his plate. He could feel his hand shaking as he stared at his plate with wide eyes.

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. It's over, it has to be. Alluka's privileges would be revoked, Nanika would be stuck talking to butlers for the rest of her life, and he would be trapped in the godforsaken mansion until he's of age.

Milluki laughs as he chews, risking the chance of choking. He always found Killua's misfortune to be hilarious. Kalluto just shrinks in his seat, allowing his mother to pet his pulled-back hair. Killua didn't blame Kalluto for remaining silent.

"Sneaking out?" Kikyo practically shrieks, " _Again_?" She looks over at her son, who's fidgeting in anticipation. "Killua, what is the meaning of this? Where have you been going?"

Killua remains silent, not daring to respond to her question. Anything he said could be held against him, especially by a family of defense attorneys.

"Killua was at an unimportant college boy's house," Illumi answers instead. Killua looks up at Illumi, surprised. Though he knew he shouldn't be, Illumi somehow knew about almost everything in Killua's life. "A boy dropped him off around five this morning."

Silva's brows furrow, switching his gaze from his eldest to Killua. Killua could feel its coldness, and it made him fidget. His hands start wringing against each other, just waiting for the blow.

"Is this true, Killua?" Killua knew Silva believed Illumi. Illumi had no reason to lie, especially when it came to Killua. Silva only asked to see how Killua would react when confronted.

It was considered good practice for being a DA.

Killua would be punished whether he lied or not. Lying would only lessen its cruelty, but telling the truth would keep Killua rebellious.

And despite being in deep shit right now, Killua decided to go with the truth.

"Yes, Father," he answers. He clears his throat before meeting Silva's gaze head-on. "What does that mean for Alluka and Nanika?"

"What has Illumi done in an attempt to rectify your delinquency?" Silva questions.

 _Father's in control now_ , Killua notes. He'll hear what Illumi's done as punishment and deem whether they were the right call or not. Afterward, he'll add or create new punishments. It was his specialty. He rarely had to interject.

He almost got to interject two weeks ago, when Killua lost the right to talk to Nanika in the first place. But the punishment given was Illumi's idea, and it seemed to appease Silva for the time being.

"He took away Alluka and my right to talk to Nanika," Killua answers honestly, his gaze switches from Illumi's cold, emotionless look to Silva's stern. "And...and allowed the butlers to help with what was necessary."

Saying they had beaten him would only infuriate his father. None of the older family members preferred that term, especially since they believed it was to help Killua.

Silva nods, narrowed eyes switching their gaze to Illumi. "It seems Illumi's failed to help you correctly once again." He shakes his head before letting out a sigh. "That simply will not do."

"Father—" Illumi starts, only to be silenced by Silva's look.

"Add another two weeks for Killua," Silva commands, "Alluka may talk to it with one of the butlers until then."

Killua's eyes widen in surprise. _Alluka can talk to Nanika now?_ This was even better than Killua could hope for.

But, there's always a price to pay. He just had to hear what he'll have to do.

"Until then, Killua is to come home immediately after his clubs. Illumi will be excused from the firm to pick him up."

Killua's heartbeat quickens as his stomach drops once again. _No Gon for two weeks..._

Killua knew it would feel like Hell, but it would be worth it. As long as it was only for two weeks and no one knew about Gon, everything would be okay. Besides, he could just text or call him when no one was around.

"And," Silva continues, "Illumi will be supervising your study sessions."

 _Fuck_.

School, his library study sessions, and the late-night were the only times he had to himself. Typically, he was surrounded by butler or family once he gets home. Being able to sneak out twice during a different time was a miracle Alluka produced.

And now Illumi would be hovering for the next two weeks. Of his entire family, Illumi was the one Killua hated being around the most.

"Why Big Brother Illumi?" Killua interjects, earning either a stern or surprised look from everyone. His anxiety over the conversation had temporarily disappeared. "Why not Milluki? He doesn't do anything."

Milluki's laughs are muffled by the food in his mouth. He takes his time to finish chewing before pointing his greasy knife at Killua. "As if I would waste my time with a little shit like you!"

"Milluki."

Silva saying the name was enough to shut the large boy up.

Silva clears his throat. "Illumi's job is to prepare you for your destiny. It has been that way since you were named heir. He will help your mother and me raise you to be the best. And whenever he fails, I step in."

 _It was worth a shot_ , Killua thinks to himself. He nods his head, appearing to agree with Silva.

"You snuck out again," Silva continues, "You know you must be punished for that."

That made Killua scoff. "As if being treated like a prisoner isn't punishment enough."

Killua could feel the intensity in Silva's gaze, but he refused to back down. Silva raises a bushy brow, clearly annoyed with Killua's antics.

"These punishments are new. They are not replacing the old."

_Which means I don't get out of what's to come._

Out of the corner of his eye, Killua could see a butler standing near the entrance, getting ready to do what was "necessary."

" _Fine_ ," Killua hisses out. He abruptly stands, chair scraping against the floor loudly. He looks around at the butlers standing at each exit. "Come on! You wanna treat it like a show or am I just gonna get tossed around downstairs again?"

"Killua!" Kikyo shrieks before gasping. A glove-covered hand covers her mouth as she stares at her son with wide eyes.

"No, it's fine, right?" Killua retorts, letting out an unhumorous chuckle. "This is gonna keep me on the right path. I'm gonna take over the firm! But until then, I'm trapped here to do whatever the _fuck_ you want!"

" _Killua_ —"

"No! _Do it_!" Killua demands. He spins around, looking at Gotoh with expectancy. "Come on, Gotoh, do it! _Hit me_!"

Gotoh's expression doesn't change save for the switch in gaze. Killua can tell he's silently asking Silva for permission. It's only when Gotoh makes eye contact through his thin glasses does Killua knows he's got permission.

Killua knew Gotoh didn't take pleasure in doing what he does. Gotoh was the closest thing to a father figure Killua had. And if he had to guess, Gotoh was probably a key component in Alluka's plan to help Killua sneak out.

Killua stopped taking it personally years ago. This was simply Gotoh's job.

And when the expected pain shoots through his stomach, he didn't complain.

After all, he deserved it, didn't he?

————

Hours later, when everyone was hopefully asleep, Killua climbed out of the window, scaled down the tree, and ran as fast as his beaten body would allow. 

It took longer than expected to reach the main road, but he eventually arrived at it with almost no problem. He almost fell twice, due to the pain in his ankle, but it didn't stop him. He needed to get out of that house.

The butlers didn't go easy, as expected. That debacle of a dinner was the worst one yet. But, at least it came out with one positive: Alluka was allowed to have a supervised call with Nanika.

The road was wet and the fresh earthly scent intruded Killua's nostrils. _It rained_ , he realizes. _I guess I didn't hear it earlier._

He walks down the road, heading toward where the bridge would soon be in his sight after climbing the hill.

He had no intention of going over the rail tonight, but the bridge was the only way he could get into town from his house. His house was isolated from the small town. It was the perfect place to conduct the shady business Killua despised.

Killua hikes up the hill. His ankle, side, and thighs all protested, but it didn't stop him. The bruises had already formed. After that first hit from Gotoh, Killua couldn't remember much else, so he had to look at the marks given to him when he was alone.

The bridge appears in his vision, which wasn't very surprising. It looked the same as last time, just a little more slippery.

What did surprise Killua, however, was the tan boy leaning against the rail and staring at the raging river below.

 _Gon_?

The boy turns his head as if hearing Killua's thoughts or sensing his presence. A grin forms as he realizes it's Killua standing near the end.

Killua lets out a sigh, relieved to see the familiar face.

Gon's grin suddenly falls, making Killua confused. _Did he think I was someone else?_ A second pasts until Gon starts running toward Killua.

Killua's eyes widen, taking a step back in preparation for what might be a hug or a tackle (there's no difference when it comes to Gon). His ankle protests, but he ignores it. It'd be fine by tomorrow evening, he'd have to deal with it.

Gon, surprisingly, doesn't tackle or hug Killua. Instead, he slows to a stop only a few feet away from Killua. The latter wanted nothing more than to close the space.

 _Maybe he hates me_ , Killua thinks, noting the uncharacteristic frown on Gon's face. _Maybe I scared him with what I said the other night_.

Killua sees that, like himself, Gon was dressed warmly but in comfortable clothes most people wouldn't go out in.

"Killua," Gon greets, looking confused and worried at the same time. "What...what are you doing here?"

Killua puts his hands in his hoodie's pockets before shrugging. "Seeing what's there to do in town."

"At three in the morning?"

 _Shit, was it really three?_ Killua had spent most of his time after dinner recuperating in his room.

"I don't really want to be home right now."

"You're not..." Gon swallows before looking at the rail of the bridge, "you're not trying to..."

Oh... _Oh_

Killua's mouth parts slightly, realizing what Gon was trying to say. _He thinks I'm trying to...oh..._

"No!" Killua quickly reassures, "No, of course not. I'm...I'm fine. I just—I really needed some air or some space or something."

Gon's shoulders sag in relief, but it doesn't stop his look of worry. "Bad night?"

"Yeah," Killua admits. He remembers his punishment, the one preventing him from seeing Gon after school. It'd only be fair if Gon knew, right? "Hey, uh, I gotta tell you something."

That certainly didn't stop Gon from worrying. "What is it, Killua?"

"Uh, my parents found out about Saturday night...so I'm not allowed to go to the library after clubs for the next two weeks."

"Oh," Gon replies lamely, Killua notes the sudden spike in determination. He could feel it somehow. "Well, I guess I'll just eat with you and Ikalgo at lunch."

Killua's mind blanks for a few moments, struggling to understand what was just said. _Did Gon just say he'd eat lunch with him and Ikalgo?_ Rather than just accept it, he proposes a different solution.

A solution, mind you, that exposes his friendship with Killua to the school. As mentioned before, Killua wasn't the most popular guy. Students were scared of the power his family holds. No one, save for Ikalgo, was willing to deal with him during the school day.

For some reason, Gon was willing.

"Is that...okay?" Gon asks after Killua says nothing.

"Uh," Killua lets out before clearing his throat, "yeah, of course, but...are you sure? Don't you eat with your friends or something?"

"You mean the soccer team?" Gon asks for clarification. Killua shrugs. "Yeah, I eat with them. But we're not, like, best friends or anything. Well, except for Zushi. He's pretty cool. But, if we can't hang out during our usual time we might as well do it during another time. And since lunch is the only other time..."

"Yeah!" Killua says a little too quickly. He clears his throat before forcing himself to relax more. "I mean, yeah. Do whatever you want."

"Would you like to meet Zushi? I know I don't talk about him a lot, but he is a good friend of mine."

Killua shrugs. It wouldn't be a bad idea, especially since Killua's been worried for Ikalgo. He wasn't sure whether Ikalgo felt included in his and Gon's and dynamic. Might as well throw in a buffer.

Gon grins. "You said you wanted to see what's in town, right?"

Killua shrugs again. "Anything to get me away from home." He nods in the direction of his house. Gon looks past Killua as if he could somehow see the house down the road.

"Come on, I know a place that's open 24/7."

Killua rolls his eyes but starts following Gon across the bridge. Neither of them looks at the rails. Their sneakers slap loudly against the wet concrete. Both put their hands in their pockets. Killua's side starts to ache again.

"So," Killua starts, looking over at Gon, "what brings you out here at three in the morning?"

Gon gives a small smile. "Couldn't sleep."

"Cryptic," Killua comments, "but it seems that happens often, huh?"

Gon chuckles. "It happens enough," he admits, "though I think this is the first time this has happened in a few days."

"And why's that?"

"I've been with you." Gon grins as Killua's cheeks redden slightly. "You're cute when you’re high, by the way."

"Ugh," Killua frowns before pulling the hood of his hoodie up. He attempts to conceal his face, knowing it's about a red as a tomato. "I'm sorry about that, man, I know that had to have been uncomfortable—"

"Don't worry about it!" Gon laughs, putting a hand on his chest. Holy fuck, Killua can't help but think, his laugh sounds so nice. "It's not your fault the dosage was doubled."

"Yeah, but it's my fault Ikalgo and I ate them like fucking idiots." Killua slaps a hand to his cheek, it feeling way too hot. "I can't believe it tasted weird and I still ate it."

The two approached the town's limits. They had been walking down the main road for a few moments, heading to wherever Gon was gonna take them.

"You like chocolate, right?"

"The best damn thing in the world."

"Then boom! Brownie justified."

They both share a laugh, bringing more pain to Killua's side and more embarrassing thoughts to Killua's brain. _This is nice_ , Killua thinks as they walk under a streetlight, _this is_ really _nice._

Killua spared a glance over at Gon as they laugh and _holy fuck. He even looks good when he laughs._

"But seriously," Gon continues, looking back at Killua. The latter nearly jumps at the sudden action and hopes he wasn't caught staring. "I wasn't uncomfortable. I thought it was cute, actually."

 _Cute_? Killua's mind races, _did he say cute? Is that a friendship thing?_

Whatever it was, it didn't change the shade of Killua's face.

"So," Killua clears his throat before looking ahead again. "What _magical_ place are you taking me to on this fine morning?"

"Here."

Gon stops before looking past Killua. Killua turns his head, only to be greeted by the not-so-bright signs of a 7/11.

"A seven-eleven," Killua deadpans before looking over at Gon with a raised brow. Gon continues to stare at the convenience store with a certain light in his eyes. "I should've known."

"Got a problem with it?" Despite the intimidating words, Gon's tone was nothing but teasing. The light reflected on his slightly-yellow teeth. "Come on, Leorio's inside."

"Leorio?" Killua repeats giving a somewhat twisted smile.

"He's got student loans to pay for." Gon shrugs. He grabs Killua's hand, making Killua accidentally taking a sharp intake of breath at the gesture. Gon looks over at him, pausing for a moment, before tightening his grip just a little. "Let's go!"

The door chimes as they enter the convenience store. True to his word, Leorio was sitting at the register, using his pencil to flip through a textbook and take notes.

"Hey, Leorio!" Gon greets, making Leorio look up. The eldest grins in greeting before giving a wave.

"Gon! How are you?"

"I could ask you the same," Gon retorts before pulling Killua toward the register. "Did you spend the day recuperating?"

"And studying," Leorio groans out. He looks over at Killua, who's hood is still up. Killua gives a nonchalant look, not sure if the man recognized him or not. "You're Killua, right?"

"Yeah."

"I remember you from last night." Leorio chuckles a little. "You were pretty messed up, huh? Kept calling me old and stuff..."

"I was sober when I said that," Killua deadpans before giving a devilish grin, "and I'm standing by it. You look forty, man."

"You little shit!" Killua could tell Leorio was resisting the urge to hop over the counter and throttle the kid. Killua laughs at his red face. "Gon, tell your boyfriend he sucks."

Despite the harsh words, Leorio was smiling and it made Killua relieved. But Killua could tell there was something different about his smile, something that's meant to be reassuring and knowing at the same time.

Does he know? Killua couldn't help but worry. Killua shoved his free hand in his pocket, catching Leorio's gaze.

Leorio's eyes seemed to soften at the action. Fuck, he knows. He's an aspiring doctor, of course he'd be able to recognize the signs of abuse.

And then he managed to process Leorio's words.

"Oh," Killua lets out, face turning red again, "we're not—"

"Killua, do you want a slushie?" Gon interrupts, making Killua a little jittery. "They got a bunch of flavors."

"Uh, yeah, I guess." Killua unconsciously squeezes Gon's hand. "Uh, would you mind getting me blue raspberry? I wanna get to know sober Leorio."

Gon stares at Killua for a few moments before a forced smile forms. "Yeah, of course." His hand slips out of Killua's. "I'll be right back."

Once Gon makes it a few feet from the slushy machines, Killua looks at Leorio darkly. His dark, intimidating look wasn't received with pity, but with understanding.

"Don't tell Gon," was the first thing to come out of Killua's mouth. He was hoping he didn't sound desperate.

"I won't," Leorio promises, "but there's a good chance he already knows."

Killua frowns. No, he couldn't know. If Gon knew, he would be disgusted by Killua for allowing it to happen. He wouldn't look at Killua with a fond smile every time they meet. He wouldn't offer to sit with him at lunch, he wouldn't take Killua to parties, he wouldn't be called cute. He wouldn't be friends with him anymore.

"No, he doesn't," Killua mumbles, "and he won't." _Not if I have anything to say about it._

"Killua, I know we just met, but if you need any type of help—"

"No," Killua reacts almost harshly, "you can't tell anyone. Alright?" He leans a little closer. "Look, if you're that worried, be consoled by the fact I'll be eighteen in July."

"Killua, that's _months_ away," Leorio argues lowly, brows furrowed in confusion.

"I'll be fine," Killua argues, "it’s just a little pain. I can handle that. And until then, you'll say nothing, old man."

“But you shouldn’t have to deal with it, Killua. You’re being...” He wasn’t sure how Killua would react to the actual word. Instead, Leorio sighs. "If you need anything—"

Killua leans away, smirking at Leorio. "You can make it up to me by paying for our slushies." Leorio frowns in confusion.

"Make up for what?" Gon chimes as he approaches with two large slushies in hand, one blue and the other red.

Leorio looks at Killua in realization as Killua says, "Old Man over here owes me for not marking the brownies at the party."

"Oh!" Gon grins. He puts them both on the counter. "Don't worry about it, Leorio. I got it." He fishes out his wallet, making Killua feel guilty for not bringing his. He hands Leorio a five.

"No Kurapika tonight?" Gon questions, leaning over the counter as if Kurapika would be sitting under the counter or something.

"Nah," Leorio sighs. "They wanted to ignore their insomnia with their friend Melody."

"I think they realized they were dating an old man," Killua says with a playful pout.

"You're lucky I'm trying to save lives and not end them," Leorio retorts.

"Call me petrified." Killua waves his hands just a little, pretending to be scared. He grabs his slushie before taking a sip out of it.

The door chimes again, gaining both Gon and Killua's attention. Who else would be at a 7/11 at three in the morning?

And to Killua's horror, it was a familiar face.

The pale red-head walked in casually, not looking at the two teens as he heads down the candy aisle in search of something.

"Come on," Killua mumbles, looking at the ground. He was grateful his hoodie was still up. Maybe it was hiding his identifier: the white hair. "Let's go."

"Already?" Gon asks confusedly, "but we just got here. Why do you—"

"Let's go, now," Killua demands, tugging on Gon's sleeve.

"Is that Illumi's little brother I spy?" That unnecessarily smooth and sultry voice greets. Killua freezes, eyes widened as he stares at the dirty floor.

Killua flinches as the hood is aggressively pulled off his head, forcing the lights of the convenience store to highlight his face. "It _is_!"

"Hisoka." Killua swallows before attempting to look nonchalant. "I didn't know you were in town."

"Just flew in." The sadistic grin makes Killua shutter. He lifts his hand, revealing the pack of pink gum in between two fingers. "Needed some Bungee before I meet up with your brother tomorrow."

"Oh," Killua responds lamely, "you're meeting up with Illumi."

"I am." Pearly white teeth gleam, making Killua shudder in disgust. No matter how hard Illumi tried to hide it, Killua knew what would go down when Illumi and Hisoka were left alone together. Hisoka's seemingly gold eyes look over at Gon, who's been observing the interaction silently. "Who's _this_?"

"Hi," Gon greets, not as brightly as he usually would. "I'm Gon."

" _Gon_ ," Hisoka repeats, testing out the name. Killua shudders as he licks his lips. The two could feel the tension Hisoka was giving. Killua could sense how uncomfortable Gon was getting and took the liberty of stepping in front of him. "And how do you know Killua over here?"

"He's my friend," Gon responds, eyes narrowing just slightly.

"Your friend?" Hisoka muses, not taking his hungry gaze off of Gon. "Well, Killua's my friend too, and a friend of Killua's is a friend of mine."

"Hey, man," Leorio interjects from the other side of the counter, "you buying something or what?"

Hisoka gives a sly grin before finally facing Leorio again. Killua starts ushering Gon toward the exit, wanting to get out of that clown's vicinity.

"Oh, Killua?" The voice chimes again. Killua regrets looking back. "I won't tell Illumi about your little outing or your little friend."

 _Fuck_.

Killua knew Hisoka was telling the truth, he could just feel it, but it didn't stop him from inwardly worrying.

Neither he nor Gon told Leorio goodbye as they make it outside. Killua didn't stop walking, forcing a confused Gon to follow him.

"Killua?" Gon calls out. The younger one doesn't look back or acknowledge Gon's call with anything but a grunt. "Are you okay? How did that guy know you?"

"Uh," Killua lets out, not really sure how to describe it. He takes a sip of his slushie, relieved to have something to distract him. "My brother's kinda got a thing going on with him."

"Oh," Gon replies lamely, "well, you're okay, right? You seemed...you seemed a little stiff around him."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Killua easily replies. Once he feels they were far enough from that creepy asshole, he slows to a stop. "Listen, I need to get home before someone realizes I'm gone."

"Of course," Gon says. "Can I walk you?"

"To the bridge," Killua agrees. That would be okay, right? "I...I can't have anyone—"

"I understand, Killua." Gon smiles. Killua's heart skips a beat when the calloused hand gently grabs him again. "Thank you for coming with me."

"Friends don't say thank you," Killua responds, trying to not think of how warm his hand felt. It almost made the pain in his ankle completely disappear. "But, I like that this just became reason number six."

"Yeah?" Gon grins. "Wanna do this more often?"

"Maybe," Killua teases, "but, I don't know if I can handle the risk of getting caught."

"Well," Gon sighs before looking up at Killua, "if you ever find yourself outside around this wonderful time of night, text me."

Killua rolls his eyes in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. "Idiot," Killua scoffs, "who else would I call?"

Gon steps ahead, slowly pulling Killua in the right direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I love having them hold hands and Killua not even realizing it ain’t just a friendship thing. 
> 
> Woah this was a long chapter too aha. Thank y'all for reading! Until next time, lovelies.


	8. one step backward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: there are mentions of suicide and violence beginning at the last block of the chapter. I have marked it with a warning 
> 
> Another TW: this chapter isn’t as light or reassuring as other chapters. Unlike other chapters, it lacks a reason in the chapter and title.
> 
> I’m sorry.

Hours later, after the 7/11 run with Gon, Killua awoke to the sound of melodic humming.

At first, he didn't register the sound. He was in his room after all and there was no reason to hear anything pleasant after receiving the brutal punishment from last night.

But as minutes passed, the humming only seemed to get louder. It told Killua he wasn't hearing things and that it was time to open his eyes.

He regretted it instantly.

Browsing through his things was the red-headed clown-looking mother fucker from a few hours ago. Leaning against Killua's desk, looking at his phone in disinterest, stood the emotionless brother Killua had grown to despise.

"Illumi?" Killua mumbles, gaining both men's attention. Hisoka grins, making Killua glare at him, before going through his desk again. Killua sits up, accidentally letting out a hiss of pain as his side aches.

He could only imagine the blue and purple marks under his shirt.

"Killua," Illumi greets, no inflection in his tone. "You're awake."

"Yeah," Killua mumbles as he leans against his headboard, "I am. Why are you..."

"Your brother deemed it necessary," Hisoka purrs, sliding out from beside Illumi. Illumi doesn't fight the arm wrapping itself around his waist. "He wanted to make sure you weren't doing anything... _naughty_."

Killua scoffs, keeping his cool under Hisoka's dangerous gaze. "What are you doing here, freak?"

"Late last night," Hisoka admits with a sly grin as if they didn't interact last night, "and why don't you ask your brother, Killua?"

Killua wasn't sure why Hisoka hadn't said anything to Illumi, and struggled to be relieved, but he wasn't going to think about it. Right now, he'll have to ignore the sudden urge to overthink.

Killua lets out a breath, only to wince at the soreness in his chest. He wanted to get up, get ready for school, but it's hard to do that when his brother and his creepy...whatever...were looming.

"I need to get ready for school," Killua mumbles, looking down at the navy covers. He folded his hands over his covered lap, waiting for them to leave.

"You're not going to school today," Illumi says simply before looking down at his phone again.

 _What_?

"Why not?" Killua demands. No school meant no Gon or Ikalgo. No school meant being trapped at home for another day. No school meant being stuck with _Illumi and Hisoka all day._ "What happened to worrying about my perfect attendance?"

"Your perfect attendance will remain perfect," Illumi says, "Father will make sure of it."

"Then why am I not going to school?"

"Father was concerned you'd be limping like you were last night."

"Limping? I wasn't—" Killua stops himself. He didn't limp near Gon, right? No, he made sure of it. He was definitely limping up the stairs last night, but the hours of rest stopped him from revealing the pain in his ankle when he was with Gon. "Oh...I was." He didn't want Illumi thinking he'd left his room.

"It is precisely why you will be joining Hisoka and Me at the firm today."

"Because I look like I was abused?" Killua huffs out, not pleased with the family's decision today. "Look, it's only eight. If I get dressed now, I can make it to school before second period starts."

"That is not what Father and I agreed upon, Kill," Illumi rejects. He looks up from his phone before removing Hisoka's arm away from his waist. Killua couldn't help but see how elegant Illumi made the gesture look. "What we did agree on, however, is that it's time for you to learn why our family is considered the best in our practice."

 _Something illegal_ is what Illumi means. Killua's heartbeat quickens at the thought. He wouldn't be hurting anyone, would he? Would they make _him_ do it? Or would he be forced to watch from the background again?

He could vaguely remember his fifteen-year-old self watching his brother torture a man until he got what he wanted. A majority of the more gruesome details were blocked out of his mind, and he was grateful. But now, he may not be able to stomach seeing something else like that happen.

He should've known he would be forced to do this, but he figured they'd wait until he was eighteen.

Last night must have pushed them to move up the decision.

 _Shit_ , he inwardly curses. It's happening sooner than planned. Killua doesn't get the chance to escape before being a part of those cruelties. It would be bad enough to just sit at the firm with Illumi over his shoulder. But with Hisoka here, it most likely means someone's getting hurt.

_Or worse..._

"Okay," Killua whispers out before clearing his throat. He tries to remain nonchalant because he knew there'd be consequences for fighting Illumi on this. "Could I at least get dressed first? I don't think showing up in my boxers would be _professional_."

"Oh Killua," Hisoka hums, grinning excitedly, "don't be so mean to Big Brother. He's got a fun day planned for the three of us."

Killua swallows the urge to tell the glamorized asshole off. Hisoka clearly hasn't mentioned their outing to Illumi, which means he's going to hold that over Killua's head today.

Whatever Hisoka wanted, Killua already planned to do it. Because exposing Gon's existence could put Gon in jeopardy and Killua would do anything to prevent that.

"I'm sure he does." Killua gives a forced smile. "But Big Brother, I do need to change into suitable clothes."

"Gotoh has an outfit hanging in your closet," Illumi answers. "We are leaving in fifteen minutes."

Killua nods, receiving one last glance from Hisoka and Illumi before watching the two of them leave. Once his door closed, Killua grabs his phone, opening his messages.

There was already a missed call and text from Ikalgo. 

**ikalgo** 🐙

_are u here?_

_omg are u dead?_

_you never miss school plz_

_don't be dead_

**killua** 💅🏻

_not dead. don't worry._

_feeling a little sick is all._

**ikalgo** 🐙

_is it from the 🍃_

**killua** 💅🏻

_if it was, I'm sure you'd be suffering_

_the same fate too._

_but no, it's not. just feeling gross today._

**ikalgo** 🐙

_u once came to school with strep_

_and didn't tell anyone (me) until it_

_was gone._

_ur parents would never let you stay_

_home w/out a good reason_

**killua** 💅🏻

_yeah I was trynna get you sick_

_too bad it didn't work_

_but it was actually their idea for me to_

_stay home today. I have no idea why._

**ikalgo** 🐙

_that is pretty weird dude_

_but you'll be back tomorrow?_

**killua** 💅🏻

_of course_

**ikalgo** 🐙

_good :)_

_lunch finna be lonely😤_

_get well soon bro_

And Killua leaves that conversation at that. Looking at his other messages, he can't help but feel disappointed at the lack of message from Gon. In his defense, they two don't typically get to talk to each other until the library. It'll be better once it's moved to lunchtime, hopefully.

Maybe he should warn Gon he won't be there during lunchtime today.

**killua** 🦋

_hey_

_Hey_? Seriously? God, what a casual and simple-minded way to start a conversation. _Calm down Killua, this isn't supposed to be anything but a casual conversation._

_Wait, did he change the emoji next to my name?_

**Gon** 🐸

_killua!!_

_where r u?_

_ur not a schul :(_

_school_

**killua** 🦋

_sick day. parents made it mandatory._

_just wanted to let you know I won't be_

_at lunch but I guess you already saw that._

**Gon** 🐸

_yeah :(_

_I guess u'll meet Zushi tomorrow_

_im sure eel algo and Zushi will_

_be friends by then_

Wait, he's still gonna eat with Ikalgo? For some reason, it made Killua grin at his phone. Gon can make friends with everyone it seems.

**killua** 🦋

_I don't know what Zushi is like but_

_I'm sure they'll be friends by the end of_

_lunch._

_so, what's with the butterfly? you changed it_

Killua thought he might've said the wrong thing after not receiving an immediate response, but it eventually came through moments later.

**Gon** 🐸

_sometimes u give me buterflies_

_like when I hold ur hand I get queesy_

_but in a good way!_

Holy fuck. Despite Gon's horrible spelling, Killua got the message. _He definitely thinks I'm his best friend. Best friends get nervous around each other, right? Perfectly normal._

Rereading the text kept brightening Killua's mind.

**Gon** 🐸

_im sorry!_

_I know that wuz v forward_

_forget I said it if ur uncomfortable._

He could spell uncomfortable but not school? Either he takes shortcuts too seriously or this man seriously can't spell.

**killua** 🦋

_I know what you mean._

_I gotta go._

_text you later._

Killua doesn't wait for a response, knowing whatever giddy feeling he'd receive would be ruined the moment he went downstairs.

_I should get ready._

With a grunt, Killua uses the little core strength he has to swing his legs over the side of the bed. His stomach and side ached in protest, but he pushes past it.

He plants both feet on the ground, slowly getting up to test the ankle that was hurting last night. It stung, forcing him to let out a hiss, but it wasn't unbearable. He'd be fine.

He'll have to be. 

————

Looking down at his hands in his lap, Killua remained silent during the three's ride to wherever. Killua assumed they'd be going to the firm, but once they passed the turn to the airport, he knew they'd be going elsewhere.

For a bunch of well-known defense attorneys, the Zoldycks lived in a fairly small town. When they first moved here, they knew it would be a good place to law low. Their main office was located in Yorknew, too far for them to drive daily. When there was a job to be done, Silva and Illumi would fly up with Grandfather Zeno to do what they had to. 

Silva left early this morning for the week, after Killua had gone back to bed.

After Illumi's announcement and sudden guardianship of Killua, the latter assumed they'd be flying to the firm in the family's jet.

But thirty minutes have passed since they left the town's borders, and Killua had no clue where the three of them would be going. Asking questions would only annoy, so he kept quiet.

"Are you anxious, _Killu_?"

Killua's fists clench at the sound of the clown's mocking voice. Despite being on the other side of Illumi, Hisoka managed to sound like he was whispering in the pale teen's ear.

"No," Killua grits out, not looking at anyone, "just curious."

"Illumi!" Hisoka gasps, placing a hand on his chest with feign distress. "Does Killua not know about the warehouse?"

"That is what he's here to learn," Illumi responds almost bored. Keyword being: _almost_. Killua knew better than to search for emotions that aren't there.

"The warehouse?" Killua dared to ask, looking up at Illumi. Illumi was already staring down at Killua, meeting his gaze.

"You've been there before, Killu," Illumi reminds, "it's where we meet with clients who've refused to pay our fee."

Killua racked his mind for anything related to a warehouse only to come up with nothing. The only time he's dealt with the business was at the actual firm in Yorknew two years ago.

The town car rolled to a stop, allowing Killua to see the giant warehouse in the middle of what could be nowhere. _When did we get off the highway?_

His questions remain unanswered as the door opens for him, Hisoka grinning cheekily from the outside. Killua glares at him before stepping onto the dirt trail that leads to the warehouse's door.

"Who's in there?" Killua asks, already knowing it won't be pleasant.

"Andrew Perks, the man who thinks he could stay out of prison by paying us only half of our fee."

They stop just outside the door. "Are we going to hurt him?" Killua asks, looking up at Illumi. It was idiotic to think they wouldn't.

"No," Hisoka chimes with a sadistic grin, " _I_ am." Killua's brows furrow in confusion. Hisoka lightly taps Killua's nose, making the other flinch away with a glare. "A defense attorney never does their own dirty work. That's _my_ job."

Illumi nods in agreement. "No more stalling," he decides, opening the warehouse door. The stench of old blood and dirt infiltrates Killua's nose. "It's time to begin."

————

Gon could feel something was wrong after Killua's response. The feeling remained throughout lunch when he finally introduced Zushi to Ikalgo.

The cafeteria was loud, per usual, but Gon managed to ignore it in favor of keeping his attention on Zushi and Ikalgo. At first, Zushi wasn't excited to hear he'd be ditching his soccer friends to eat with the Zoldyck, but his nerves were put to ease after hearing Killua wouldn't be here today.

It wasn't as awkward as he thought it would have been, especially since he doesn't know Ikalgo all too well. But it looked like they already knew each other. Gon wasn't exactly sure how (something about classes?) but he was happy they got along. It saved him from being a buffer, not that he would've minded. 

Still, his thoughts went back to Killua. Something seemed off about their text exchange from that morning. Staying home because his parents made him? That doesn't seem very...Killua.

Gon decided to voice his thoughts, not caring if he was interrupting what seemed to be an interesting conversation.

"Does Killua get sick often?"

Zushi stops whatever he was saying to look over at Gon. Ikalgo's smile falls just slightly.

"What was that, Gon?" Ikalgo questions having no heard the question.

"Killua," Gon repeats, "does he get sick often?" When Ikalgo doesn't say anything, Gon continues. "It's just, I've never seen Killua miss a day of school—"

"No, he doesn't," Ikalgo interrupts. "One time he was sick, but his parents made him go to school. I've known the guy since he transferred to public school, and he's only gotten sick that one time."

Gon furrows his brows, absentmindedly poking his lunch with a plastic fork. "Then, why isn't he here today?"

Ikalgo sighs, noting the worry etched on Gon's face. "Killua's parents aren't like how yours and mine are. They're very...strict, so to say."

"I figured that much," Gon scoffs, "They won't let him go to a soccer game because he has to study all the time. Did you know they found out about him sneaking out? Now he can't even go to the library after school."

"His parents are strict," Ikalgo affirms, "and I know he puts up with a lot just to go here for school."

Gon recalls the way Killua walked the other night. To the untrained eye, Killua's walking would have seemed normal. But Gon was observant and he's had his fair share of injuries to notice the slight limp.

 _Did Leorio notice something too?_ They were having a quiet conversation while Gon got their slushies.

He'd suspected there was something wrong before, but now he wasn't sure. He can tell Ikalgo doesn't know (or at least isn't sure) based on his words. If Killua's friend knew for sure, there's no way Killua would still be with his family, no matter how powerful they are.

Gon doesn't want to just simply bring it up. He wants Killua to tell Gon himself, but he knows it'll probably never get to that point. The most Gon can do at this moment is observe, keep Killua away from his family, and hope his suspicions are proved wrong.

His mind goes back to when they first met, Killua standing over the rail and looking down at the raging river below. Despite the horrible circumstances, Gon couldn't help but recall how pretty Killua looked. The wind pushed his bangs back that night, exposing his slightly red face. It wasn't until they saw that sunset last week did Gon realize Killua could get even more beautiful. Killua looked pretty in the night, but during the day? when there was that soft smile gracing his lips? It was ethereal.

Every waking moment, Gon finds himself wanting more of Killua. Not so long ago, he realized he would do anything to keep Killua by his side. If he had to, he would fight for Killua, help the pale boy realized that he's loved and cared for. 

To think anyone would think otherwise of Killua...Well, it almost made Gon a little angry.

"Gon?"

 _That's Zushi_ , Gon realizes. He perks up, switching his gaze between Ikalgo and Zushi, both of which are staring at him. 

"Yeah?" Gon responds before clearing his throat. "What's up?"

"Are you okay? You looked a little..." Zushi trails off, not exactly sure what to say.

"Dark," Ikalgo finishes, looking at Zushi. Zushi nods in agreement.

"You zoned out for a minute," Zushi continues. He points to Gon's hand that's clenched tightly around the plastic fork. "And you look like you're about to break that. You've been like this all day, are you alright?"

"Yeah," Gon says before giving a reassuring smile. He loosens his grip. "I'm sorry, I'm just worried about Killua."

"Worried?" The redhead repeats. "Do you think something's happened? I mean, I know him not being here today is weird but I don't think something bad is happening."

"I don't know," Gon admits, "I just have a bad feeling about today."

"He'll be okay," Ikalgo reassures, though it doesn't sound like he believes himself. "Killua will be back tomorrow morning acting like a grouch until he gets his morning chocolate." Gon notes the forced smile. "Call him tonight."

 _Yeah, that's a good idea_ , Gon thinks. He can hear Killua's voice today rather than imagine it. Gon likes hearing Killua's voice, even if the latter's mad at Gon for something. Gon can fondly remember last week in the library when he accidentally got his water on Killua's textbook. It was immediately followed by a hushed scolding and silent laughter.

He'd wait until tonight, despite the urge to text Killua every ten minutes. Even if he gave into that urge, he knew Killua wouldn't respond until much later. This way saves Gon from looking like some needy creep.

"Okay," Gon agrees, "I'll call him later."

"You really like this guy, huh." It's meant to be a question, but the way Zushi said it sounded like something was being stated.

"Yeah," Gon admits with a fond smile, "I do."

  
————

*** _mentions of suicide and violence until the end_ _of the chapter***_

By the time the trio got back, Killua had bloodstains on his shirt and tears welling from his eyes. He didn’t let them fall until he was alone in his room.

He’d seen it before, someone getting bloodied and bruised, but he’d never seen it like that before. The way Hisoka hurt that man was...sadistic, to say the least.

A flash of the fallen finger made Killua want to hurl.

 _Get it off_ , he tells himself, pulling his jacket off before throwing it at his door. _Get the blood off._

A knock on the door makes him jump in his place, letting out a surprised gasp. He clears his throat, wiping the tears away before croaking out, “Come in!”

To his surprise, it’s not Illumi, but the sadistic clown himself.

Killua’s eyes narrow as he takes a step back from Hisoka. Hisoka simply smirks down at the teenager, somehow not sporting any blood on him despite doing all the work. Killua’s finger twitches.

“What do you want?” Killua demands, clenching his fists. “Haven’t you done enough?”

Hisoka tsks before closing the door behind him. The action doesn’t escape Killua, forcing him to mentally prepare for what might happen. His mind goes over the list of things in his rooms that could be weaponized. After today’s display of violence, Killua knew he could never defeat Hisoka, but he’d at least defend himself.

“Illumi is not too happy with your reaction,” Hisoka admits, stepping forward. “And quite frankly, neither am I.” He gestures to the edge of Killua’s made bed. “Have a seat.”

“Fuck you,” Killua spats. His clenched fists start to shake.

Hisoka merely grins. “Fine, don’t have a seat. You don’t deserve my gift anyway.” He sighs wistfully. “Perhaps I’ll just chat with Illumi, I’m sure he’d love to know how my trip here went. I saw a lot of things.”

 _So he’s holding it over my head to get what he wants._ It was expected, but Killua didn’t think he’d use it for such a simple request.

Killua lets out a huff before obliging and taking a seat at the edge of the bed. Hisoka towers over him for a few moments before squatting to his level.

“I noticed you’ve been gloomy since I got here,” Hisoka notes.

“Oh, I wonder why,” Killua spats dryly. The insult doesn’t change Hisoka’s cheeky expression.

“When I’m upset, Illumi usually gifts me something _satisfying_ to make my gloomy thoughts go away.” Killua sneers in disgust not liking where this conversation is going. “Which is why I got you this.”

In between his pointer finger and thumb is a small orange bottle with a scratched off prescription. The small mound of white pills fills about 3/4ths of the bottle.

“What is this?” Killua spats, switching his gaze from the bottle to Hisoka’s cheerful grin.

“A gift,” Hisoka repeats. He grabs Killua’s wrist before placing the bottle in an open palm. “It only takes a handful of these to permanently knock you out.”

Killua’s breath hitches as Hisoka forces his hand to close around the bottle. “You...” Killua whispers, “You want me to kill myself?”

“That would sure be entertaining,” Hisoka admits, tapping his chin, “and I’m sure Illumi would hate to see it, but no.”

“Then why—”

“I just want you to be comforted by having an option,” Hisoka tsks, “an escape plan, so to say.”

“Fuck you,” Killua seethes, tears already falling down his cheeks again. “I’m not going to kill myself, you fucking asshole.”

“Maybe,” Hisoka sing-songs. “I won’t care either way. Really, Kill, you should be more appreciative of my gift.” A manicured finger pokes into his own cheek. “You’ll make me sad.” 

“I’m not going to kill myself!” He’s sure to keep his voice hushed so Illumi wouldn’t hear. His grip around the pill bottle tightens.

 _I won’t_ , Killua thinks determinedly, _not again._

“Do whatever you please,” Hisoka dismisses. He ruffles a hand through Killua’s white locks, making the latter flinch. “Just know, it works out for me either way.”

He kisses Killua’s exposed forehead, leaving pink lip gloss on pale skin before walking out of the room.

Killua doesn’t move. He doesn’t wipe away the tears or the gloss. He doesn’t fix his hair or changes out of his clothes like he wanted to only minutes ago. Instead, he just stares at the pill bottle, knowing he wouldn’t be able to just throw it away.

 _I can’t_ , he reminds himself, _I can’t keep this. It has to go. I have to throw it away._

And no matter how hard he fought himself, the urge to hide it in his desk drawer won by a landslide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it took so long to write another chapter, I haven’t been very motivated lately and I am about to start school again next week. 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who’s left kudos and inspiring comments. You guys are the reason I keep writing. And for those who remain silent, that’s okay. Knowing you’re there is good enough too :)


	9. reason seven: chocolate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, back to the nicer things
> 
> TW: there is a part toward the end where Killua’s looking at his bruises.

_Ugh_.

It was the only thought that went through Killua's mind when he saw himself in the mirror that next morning. His eyes were puffy and red. Despite knowing he had every reason to cry all of last night, he couldn't help but feel disgusted and ashamed.

The image of the orange pill bottle stayed in his mind all night. Knowing it was only a reach away was borderline torturous.

_You're an idiot for not throwing it away. You don't even need it, why bother pretending? Just do it if you're gonna pussy out like that. Alluka and Nanika don't need a useless idiot like you. Gon doesn't want to lug you around all the time._

Those thoughts mixed with memories of Hisoka and the warehouse kept him up all night. When the next morning came, he was mentally and physically tired. It would be obvious something was wrong if he went to school like this, but there's almost nothing he could do.

Luckily, Gotoh took precautions and managed to have a couple of ice cubes for his eyes when he woke up.

Killua was glad to be at school nonetheless. He'd be away from his household for a whole eight hours and he'd get to see the two people who take his mind off his home.

As he pulled a textbook out of his locker, the short red-head was already approaching him with a chocolate bar in hand.

"Finally," Killua sighs, taking the chocolate bar from Ikalgo's hand. He wastes no time opening it and taking a bite.

_Holy fuck this is amazing._

"Are you okay?" Ikalgo asks rather than greeting, "your eyes are a little red."

"Yeah," Killua lies casually, "still feeling a little gross from yesterday's all."

"Oh," Ikalgo replies lamely, looking at Killua with furrowed brows. "All right, if you say."

Killua rolls his eyes before taking another bite. Stick with the lie, Killua reminds himself as he puts a hand on Ikalgo's shoulder. 

With a forced smile and the most reassuring look he could give, Killua says, "Ikalgo, I promise I'm okay." Ikalgo looks at Killua's hand, staring a little too long. With a jolt, Killua moves his hand and attempts to pull his sleeves down in case anything was showing.

Killua's stomach flips at the sight of Ikalgo's small sad smile. And before Killua could overthink the possibilities of its existence, another chocolate bar was offered.

"It's yesterday's," Ikalgo explains, putting it in Killua's hand. "I figured you could use it after not having them for a few days."

Killua sighs with a fond smile, staring lovingly at the chocolate bars in his hand. "This is why you're my favorite."

"I know I'm not, but I'll take what I can get," Ikalgo jokes. "Anyway, I'm glad you're back and I'm sure Gon is too. He was worried about you."

"Why?" Killua asks, ignoring how good he felt after hearing that. "I was sick, not dying."

"He said he had a bad feeling you weren't okay." Ikalgo eyes Killua for a moment. "Are you okay? You weren't lying to us about being sick, right?"

"Of course not." He was proud of how his voice didn't waver. He was, however, a little frustrated with himself for answering so quickly. He clears his throat. "There's nothing wrong, Ikalgo. I promise everything's fine."

He knew that man's screams would echo through his mind throughout the day.

Before Ikalgo could answer, Killua lets out a surprised yelp as muscular arms wrap themselves around his waist, pinning his arms to his side. The action sent a jolt of pain up his side.

"You're back!" Gon's voice yells excitedly, making Killua flinch. Killua resists the urge to lean back against him and feel the warmth that practically radiates off of him. In a lower voice (which seems impossible when it comes to Gon), he whispers, "I really did miss you, Killua."

"I-Idiot," Killua stammers, trying to pull out of Gon's grasp rather than stay like he'd like to. "You can't say dumb shit like that."

"It's not dumb if it's true," Gon argues. His grip around Killua tightens, almost making the pale teen wince. Gon's head rests on Killua's shoulder; the dyed green spikes poke Killua's cheek as he adjusts himself.

Killua pulls himself out of Gon's grasp before facing him again. Gon lets out a whine. "Ikalgo says you were worried."

"I had a bad feeling about yesterday," Gon admits, "Did something bad happen?"

"You mean other than having my head in a toilet all day?" Killua lies, "No, nothing bad."

 _What do you know?_ Killua wanted to ask instead. Leorio said it the other day, there's no way Gon doesn't have some type of suspicion. He's too observant for that. Maybe he's ignoring it in hopes Killua never brings it up? Yeah, that's gotta be it. Talking about stuff like that's a mood killer, and Killua would never want to ruin Gon's optimism.

"Are you sure?" Gon retorts, making Killua's eyes widen just a little. "Please don't lie to me."

"I'm not," Killua snaps, starting to get annoyed. Why won't he just let it go? "I puked and laid in bed all day, that's all."

The two stare each other down, daring the other to back off and either tell the truth or leave it alone. Ikalgo stands awkwardly beside Killua, feeling the tension.

"Alright," Gon sighs before putting on a bright smile. "I got you something."

Killua gives a cat-like grin at the sight of the wrapped chocolate bar. "Three in one day?" He snatches the bar quickly, already opening it. "You guys spoil me."

"You already gave him two?" Gon asks Ikalgo incredulously.

Ikalgo shrugs. "He gets a daily one from me sometimes and I decided to give him yesterday's."

"Killua, three is way too many!" Gon argues, reaching for the opened bar.

Killua twists to keep the bad out of Gon's reach. "Fuck you, no take-backs!"

"But it's not good for you," Gon argues, standing on his toes in an attempt to reach the chocolate. Killua straightens his arm, successfully keeping it away from Gon by using his other hand to shove him away.

"There are a lot of things that aren't good for me yet I still do it!" Killua argues. "If you really cared, you wouldn't have given it in the first place!"

"I didn't know you already had two!" He jumps, swiping his hand at the chocolate bar, only to miss. " _Killua_!"

Killua sneaks another bite, laughing as Gon pouts. "Don't deprive a man of his energy source! I've gone two days without it."

"That's not how it works, Killua." Gon huffs out, lowering his arms. "But fine, keep your chocolate. Don't get mad when you're all slow and stuff."

"Me? Slow? With this metabolism? I could eat a million chocolate bars and still outrun you."

"Oh, can you?" Killua notes the challenging gleam in his eyes. He couldn't help but feel the same. Gon grins. "Let's settle it. Me and you, lunchtime."

"What are we gonna do? Run a few laps?"

"Let's make a game out of it! You used to play soccer, this wouldn't be too much for you, would it?"

Killua matches Gon's grin, the challenging tension between the two only thickens. "You're a good soccer player, Gon, but my middle school self was better than you are now. You're on. What's the winner getting?"

Gon shrugs. "I feel like bragging rights are good enough."

"They're not," Killua argues, "I want chocolate. As much as you can get me."

"Fine. Then I want something too."

"If it's for me to give up chocolate, I will punch you."

"No, nothing as serious at that," Gon dismisses. "I'll tell you after I win."

"No, tell me now," Killua argues, "I don't want to go into this without knowing your terms." A family member would've been proud of Killua saying something like that.

"So you're actually worried about losing?" Gon grins, knowing he's got Killua. "I mean, I can tell you if you're that worried—"

"I'm not worried about losing! If I, somehow, happen to miraculously lose, I would like to know what I agreed to."

"So you agree? There's a chance you'll lose."

"Gon—"

"I'll tell you after our scrimmage," Gon promises. He offers a pinky, "whether I win or lose, you'll know what I wanted."

Killua looks at the extended pinky before raising a brow. "Seriously?" He deadpans.

"It's to keep me honest." He grins. Killua rolls his eyes before interlocking their pinkies. "I promise to tell Killua what my condition is after the game. If I lose, I promise to give Killua his chocolate." He looks at Killua expectantly.

Killua rolls his eyes again before promising, "I promise to meet his conditions if I somehow lose our match."

"Pinky promise made," Gon declares, "whoever breaks it has to swallow a thousand needles!" He adjusts their hold, surprising Killua. "Sealed with a kiss!"

" _Huh_?!" Killua all but exclaims. He could already feel his face heating up.

"Mhmm." Gon nods. "We press our thumbs together. Like this." He manages to guide Killua's thumb against his before pressing against it gently. "See? Sealed with a kiss." Killua notices how neither of them let go of each other and how Gon's eyes never leave his.

"Well," Ikalgo coughs awkwardly beside them. _I forgot he was there_ , Killua thinks. "That was...that happened."

"Shut up," Killua mumbles, letting go of Gon. He smirks, despite looking embarrassed. Gon starts backing away, knowing they would be late if they didn't start moving. "I'm kicking your ass later."

"If things go my way, you'll be doing a lot more."

That, of course, left Killua as a stumbling mess. Ikalgo was laughing beside him, amused by Killua's reaction.

"Damn," Ikalgo muses as he forces his friend to start heading toward their class. "He's got you _hooked_."

"Shut up," Killua snaps, looking at the floor to avoid eye contact. "I need to borrow your gym clothes later. Is that cool?"

"Of course." Ikalgo grins. "It'll be an interesting spectacle to watch."

————

Despite his cocky attitude toward the challenge, Killua was understandably nervous. He wanted to win, of course, but he was worried he might aggravate any of his injuries from the other day.

Still, he put on the gym clothes after fourth period and eagerly met Gon on the soccer field. He was surprised to see him already waiting in the center of the field. 

The grass wasn't wet, thank goodness. Any water from Sunday's rain was dried up. His sneakers were saved from the mud. To his surprise, Gon wasn't wearing shin guards or cleats. He too was wearing regular sneakers and an outfit he could easily run around in.

"What?" Killua calls out, gaining the boy's attention, "No shinguards? No cleats?"

Gon grins at the sight of Killua approaching the field. "Wanted it to be fair," he responds with a casual shrug. "What's with the long sleeves? It's gonna get hot."

Killua knew he was gonna regret wearing long sleeves after a soccer match. The sweat would be gross and sticky. But, it was a better alternative than allowing Gon to see the bruises peppering his arms.

"What can I say? I'm cocky. It's been a shame if I didn't break a sweat." Gon passes the ball, which Killua easily receives.

Killua messes with the soccer ball, dribbling a little to get that good feeling back.

"Want to do a warm-up?" Gon offers. "I know it's been a while since you've gotten to play."

"Yeah," Killua agrees before passing the ball back to Gon. "That'd work." 

"Great." Gon grins before passing the ball back. "Leave the ball, let's get some stretching done." Killua rolls his eyes but obliges anyway. Gon sits down across from him, forcing Killua to do the same. They both reach for their right foot. "So, how were your classes today?"

Killua scoffs. "Boring as hell. They keep going over easy stuff."

"What classes are you taking? Maybe you can move up?" They lean over their left leg, reaching for their left foot.

"I'm at the highest standing I can be," he responds lamely. "AP Calculus is starting to get on my nerves. It really isn't as difficult as everyone's making it out to be."

"You take AP Calculus?" Gon's eyes widen in amazement. "Woah, I didn't know you were _that_ smart, Killua."

Killua could feel his cheeks blazing. "It's not a big deal," he murmurs.

"Uh, yeah it is!" Gon exclaims before reaching at the space in front of him with both hands. "Come closer?"

Killua obliges, scooting close enough to where their sneakers almost touch. Gon grabs Killua's hands and proceeds to lean back, pulling Killua forward. _Oh_ , Killua recognizes the stretch. It would've been more beneficial if they just did it by themselves, but Killua wasn't going to complain. How could someone like him complain when the sun is literally holding his hand?

"Anyway," Gon continues, "it really is amazing how smart you are. I could never take an AP calculus class."

"What do you take now?" Killua asks curiously.

"Heh," Gon lets out, looking a little sheepish just as Killua pulls him forward. "Well, don't make fun, alright?"

"I'm not going to make fun of you," Killua promises, "I just wanted to know if I could help."

"Really?" Gon asks with a smile. "You'd help?"

"If I can," Killua admits, "most likely during lunch. What math do you take?"

"Algebra Three. That's just because it's a requirement. I barely passed the first two," he admits. He sits up straight, letting go of Killua's hands and using them to lean back. "I'm not gonna pass it this year, I can feel it."

"Who's been helping you before?" Killua asks, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the grass.

"Leorio and Kurapika when they can, but they're usually busy so I'll ask Zushi or my Aunt Mito."

"Are either Zushi or your aunt good at math?"

"Zushi does better than me, but he's not really good at explaining it. Aunt Mito got confused midway last year, so we decided it'd be best to not ask her for help anymore."

"Alright, I'll help you during lunch. I haven't done it in a bit, but I doubt it would be hard to remember," Killua says. He looks down to avoid staring at Gon's bright expression directly. 

"Aww, _Killua_!"

He's pulled to his feet and a pair of strong arms are wrapped tightly around his frame. A gasp escapes as Gon squeezes a little too tightly around his sides, but he tries to play it off with a surprise.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Killua exclaims, face reddening as Gon buried his head against Killua's shoulder. He tries to shove himself away, but Gon won't let him.

"Thank you, Killua!"

"Idiot! You don't have to say thank you," he stops struggling in Gon's hold. "Friends don't need to say thank you for things that are expected."

"Maybe," Gon says, his voice slightly muffled from Killua's shirt. He turns his head to make eye contact, which only quickens his heartbeat. "But I want you to know you're appreciated."

_How can you go around saying things like that? How do you know exactly what to say?_

Gon would be the death of him, he could feel it 

"I can hear your heart," Gon whispers teasingly as he puts his ear against Killua's chest. "It's fast, but it still sounds nice."

 _That_ was enough to give Killua the strength to push Gon away, despite wanting to stay in his hold. Gon chuckles anyway, looking not at all offended by Killua.

"You—You can't just say dumb shit about my heart and stuff..." Killua retorts weakly.

"Are you embarrassed _Killua_?"

"Why are you saying my name like that?"

"Why does it matter? Your face can't get any redder."

Killua gasps in realization. "You're trying to distract me!" He accuses, pointing a lanky finger at Gon. "You're getting me flustered so I can be distracted and you'll end up winning!"

Gon's smile wavers. "No, that's not what I'm—"

"It is!" Killua interrupts before giving a challenging grin. "You almost had me, I'll admit, but I won't let you win."

"Well I'd hope not, that would make the match pretty boring." Killua kicks the ball at Gon, which the latter easily traps. "But I wasn't trying to make you flustered, Killua. I was just thanking you for being an amazing person."

Gon grins as Killua practically emit steam. "I hate you," Killua mumbles, knowing the other one can still hear. Gon laughs at Killua's blatant lie and passes the ball back to Killua.

"You ready?"

————

_Holy fuck. He's good. How did he get so good? How is this bastard able to keep up?_

Those thoughts combined with _fuck! shit! and damnit!_ were what went through Killua's mind throughout the game.

Gon's good. Like, really good. Killua would've been disappointed otherwise. He had a feeling if the two played with each other rather than against, soccer games would be much more interesting.

He didn't take it too hard when he lost. Hell, he was almost glad. If Gon winning (by one point) meant anything, it's that he's got huge potential to actually go places.

"You got lucky is all," Killua playfully grumbles as the two change in the locker room before fifth period could start. His ankle had been throbbing for however long their game last, but he’s able to ignore it.

"Did I?" Gon laughs from behind him. Killua had turned to give the other boy some privacy as he changes. Until Gon leaves, Killua isn't even going to touch his own shirt. He can't have Gon seeing what's underneath.

"Oh yeah, definitely," Killua agrees, "In my defense, I haven't played since middle school."

"You said that wouldn't stop you from beating me."

"Did I?"

"Mhmm."

Killua scoffs. "Are you gonna stand there and brag or are you gonna change and get the hell out?" He crosses his arms, waiting for an answer.

"Maybe if you'd face me, you would know when I'm done."

"Seriously? You've been done all this time and I've..." Killua trails off. As he'd been complaining, he turned himself around under the impression that Gon would not be shirtless behind him.

He was, in fact, very wrong.

His torso matches his face, for the most part. It was tan and freckled, kissed by the sun in all the right places. There are no tan lines that Killua could find (not that he was looking, of course). However, there is a gnarly-looking scar on his right bicep, jagged lines circle his bicep.

_Pretty._

"Well," Gon interrupts Killua's staring, "Either you're really attracted or really disgusted by me."

" _No_!" Killua says almost too fast. His face burns as he attempts to keep eye contact with Gon. "No, I'm not disgusted I promise."

Gon steps just a little closer. "So you're attracted?"

Killua rolls his eyes before lightly punching Gon's arm. "I didn't say I was that either, idiot." Gon laughs before pulling his shirt from earlier on, much to Killua's dismay. Killua watches as he reaches down to grab something from his bag.

"Because you missed lunch," Gon explains before tossing whatever it is. Killua easily catches it and grins at the familiar label.

"You got me chocolate? Idiot, I lost remember?" Killua was already opening the bar, practically salivating with anticipation.

"That was gonna be for you no matter how our game ended," Gon admits. "I feel bad for making you miss lunch."

Killua rolls his eyes. "Why? It's not your fault I can't stay after school."

"It kinda is. I pushed you to go to that party."

"Yeah," Killua agrees with a shrug, "but I could've easily not shown up. Or, I could've gotten home earlier. Unfortunately, I got caught and now I'm suffering the consequences."

"And it's my fault—"

" _No_ ," Killua interrupts. He narrows his eyes at Gon, his face already reverting to its natural paleness. "My choices are not your fault, alright? This isn't your fault." He takes another bite. "Besides, it's only for two weeks. Everything will be back to normal afterward."

The two were quiet for a moment, listening as the bell signaling the beginning of fifth period rang. Fuck, Killua curses but makes no move to change. Neither of them looks as if they were to start running to class.

"What do I owe you?" Killua asks instead, offering a small smile. "You said you'd tell me after the game. What's your condition?"

"I promised," Gon corrects, "but I never said when after the game."

"You're such a dick," Killua huffs out before taking another bite of his chocolate. "I wish I could forgive you, because of the wonderful amount of chocolate I've had today, but I can't. So go ahead, tell me what I owe."

Gon pouts. "I want it to be a surprise."

"Eh? Don't be an idiot, just tell me what you want."

"That's it!" Gon exclaims holding his hands behind his back as he rocks back and forth. "That's my condition. I want to surprise you."

"You want to...surprise me?" Killua repeats. Gon nods, making Killua huff out a sigh of annoyance. "Idiot, I can't give you that. That's not how it works!"

"All you have to do is let me surprise you when the time comes."

"I get that, but you telling me to be surprised isn't really a condition. I'm pretty sure I'd give a genuinely surprised reaction if I'm surprised."

"Yes, but once you see what it is you'll want to push it away. My condition is that you let me do this for you, no matter what."

Killua stares at Gon hesitantly. "I don't know..." Why are you hesitating? It's not like he's setting up your demise or anything, right? No, of course not, Gon would never do something like that. "Is it embarrassing?"

"You're embarrassed by everything."

"That's because all you say is embarrassing shit!"

"Then yes, you'll most likely be embarrassed. And surprised. And maybe even a little scared. But I promise it's nothing harmful."

"Nothing harmful?"

"Nothing harmful," Gon affirms before grinning. "Maybe your ego will be knocked down a peg—"

"Fuck, what do you plan on doing?"

"That's the surprise! You'll accept it, right?"

 _How can I say no the brightest thing on this planet?_ Killua knew he'd say yes since it was clear what the condition would be. Still, he couldn't help but hesitate. What should he be worried about? Exactly, _nothing_!

He's not like Killua's family. He's the exact opposite. Killua would do anything to get away from his family and stay by Gon's side forever.

"Fine," Killua gives in, "I'll accept it, just like I promised."

"You won't regret it!" Gon promises before looking at Killua's outfit. "You haven't changed. Class started minutes ago!"

"Well, it's hard to change when a baboon's sitting here watching me," Killua retorts with crossed arms.

"I didn't know you were waiting for me to leave!" Gon exclaims, gathering his things. "I'll wait outside for you, alright?"

"Don't wait for me, you'll end up later than you already are."

"No, I'm waiting," Gon retorts stubbornly before looking Killua in the eye. "I don't mind being late if it's for you."

And before Killua could articulate some type of response, Gon was out of the locker room. Killua lets out a sigh of relief, ready to take off the sticky shirt.

His sore self aches in protest as he pulls off the long-sleeve, but it's almost worth it. Don't have time for a shower, he thinks grimly as he pats himself with a towel. He borrows Ikalgo's deodorant before grabbing the button up he wore to school.

Before sliding it on, his eye catches his reflection from the mirrors hanging over the sinks. Damn it, Killua curses, noting how the bruises decorating his body aren't fading as fast as they usually would.

The one on his side was more purple than the red and black it was two days ago. But still, by now it should at least fade into a green. His body had always healed so quickly, why would this time be any different?

He notes the dainty scars hidden beneath bruises. If it weren't his body, he had a feeling he'd never have seen them. Another bruise presented itself on his chest. He could tell that one was from Canary's staff.

The bruises on his wrists had begun to heal, caused by those holding him back just a little too tightly.

 _I'm going to kill them_ , he can't help but think bitterly. _Somehow, someway, I'm going to kill them._

 _Yeah_ , his conscious retorts, _that's if you can hold off on killing yourself._

He thought about the pills that were sitting in his desk drawer at home, waiting to be consumed. He'd thought about taking them too, the moment Hisoka left his room yesterday.

Killua harshly grabs his shirt and pulls it on, as if that could somehow shut off the dark thoughts. His eyes landed on the half-eaten chocolate bar resting in its wrapper on the bench.

 _He brought that for me_ , he can't help but think giddily. _He brought that for_ me. _He knew it would make me happy and_ did it.

_"But I want you to know you're appreciated.”_

Yeah, Killua was starting to feel it again. The giddy feeling that leaves a dumb-looking smile on his face. He typically only feels like this when he thinks about the certain spiky-haired optimist.

Killua hadn't realized it yet, but when he'd think back about this moment, he knew that was when he started falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao there really wasn’t that much chocolate huh. but still, I’m back with the fluff. 
> 
> but thank you guys so much for the support, especially after that last chapter! I know the themes in here can be pretty dark.


	10. reason eight: the idiots in your life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: lots of fluff. it’s okay single people, I feel lonely when I read this too 😭
> 
> anyway, I don’t think this one requires an official trigger warning. if you think otherwise, please let me know.

"You're an idiot," Killua mumbles, trying to keep his eyes on his textbook. But the jumping figure in his peripheral vision wouldn't stop.

The unused computer room was empty save for Killua. Study hall allowed students to study together quietly in a room, but his brother wanted Killua to be alone to save him from any distraction.

The jumping, spiky-haired idiot was certainly the type of distraction his brother wanted Killua to avoid.

Killua sighs, keeping his face neutral before looking over at Gon. _What?_ he mouthes.

Gon stops jumping, grinning now that he finally got Killua's attention. He gestures to the seat beside Killua, silently asking if he could come in.

Killua rolls his eyes before nodding his, making Gon's grin widen. The door squeals open. Gon's loud energy floods closer as he sits in the metal chair beside Killua.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Biology or something?" Killua lets out before giving a small smirk.

"Actually, they changed my schedule!" Gon lets out excitedly. His voice echoes throughout the computer room. "We have study hall at the same time now!"

Killua fights the oncoming smile but easily loses. How could he not? He'd get to see Gon more often. It's not like the school was going to enforce Killua's separation from others and he doubted they would object to Gon being with him.

"How'd you manage that?"

"I'm not sure," Gon admits before momentarily puffing out his cheeks. "Something about the people in my classes?"

Killua leans back in his seat, hands behind his head. "So you're gonna start studying with me again? Good, I could use a nap—"

"Not today, Killua," Gon shakes his head. Gon smiles at Killua's confusion. "Do you think you can skip for the rest of study hall?"

Killua opens his mouth, wanting to say yes, but he can't bring himself to do it. He's never skipped a whole class before, even if it's just the hour and a half of study hall. If Illumi ever found out...

"I'm sorry," Gon quickly apologizes, "I'm sorry. I should've thought about it before I said anything—"

"No," Killua reassures, "it's okay. I just...I can't be seen if I'm in public during school, ya know?"

"I thought your family spent most of their time in Yorknew?" _I never told him that_ , Killua thinks. Gon must've noticed his confused look because he quickly adds, "Kurapika said they hear that type of stuff all the time."

"Things about my family?" Killua asks, already knowing the answer. Gon nods in affirmation. "Does...does Kurapika hear things about...me?"

"It's possible," Gon answers, "but they haven't said anything to me."

"Do..." Killua tries to swallow his nerves away. He clears his throat before looking his friend in the eye again. "Do _you_ hear things about me?"

"Not until recently."

Killua's heart plummets. _Fuck. He's gonna hear the "rumors" and ditch me. He's gonna stop with the whole reasons thing. He won't sit with me at lunch or want to skip or—_

"But they sound pretty dumb." Killua's breath is trapped in his throat. Gon starts to chuckle just a little. "Did you know people think you're an assassin? They think you study hard during school so you'd have time to kill your client's enemies at night."

_My family saves the bad guys from prison and punishes those who can't afford us. I wouldn't go as far as to call us assassins._

"They say you hurt people," Gon continues, his expression never changing. "They think you and your family hurt people."

_Well, that's the closest to the truth._

"Do you believe them?" Killua couldn't keep eye contact and instead forced himself to look at his textbook.

"Nah," Gon gives a dismissive wave, "at least, not the ones about you. You're too _you_ to hurt people."

Killua's lips tug upward just a little. He didn't realize he'd been hoping for that response. _I was an idiot for thinking he'd believe them._

"Is your family not in Yorknew?" Gon asks, getting back to the subject.

Killua shakes his head. "Just my father and my grandfather. My brother usually goes with them, but he's been forced to stay behind and keep an eye on me after the party."

"What about that weird friend of his? What was his name?" Gon asks. His cheeks puff out as he attempts to think. "The guy we met at the 7/11."

"Hisoka." Just saying the name made Killua shudder. The thought of that jester made Killua's stomach churn. "He...he left yesterday morning. He was only here for two days to help my brother with something."

_That fucking warehouse._

Killua closes his eyes tightly for a few moments, trying to clench those memories of Monday away. That was only two days ago...

He opens his eyes again before forcing a small smile for Gon. "It's just my brother we'd have to worry about. But if he's ever suspicious of me, he'll sometimes hire people to keep track of my whereabouts."

"So we probably shouldn't go to the grocery store with Leorio and Kurapika, huh." He gives a dismissive wave. "That's fine, we'll just do it after your brother goes to Yorknew."

"That won't be for another two weeks."

"I'll wait."

"No," Killua retorts determinedly. _Fuck Illumi. There's no reason to have people watch me right now anyway. He probably thinks Monday scared me straight._ He closes his textbook and shoves it in his backpack. "Let's go."

"Are you sure, Killua? I don't want to force you into doing anything you're not comfortable with."

Killua stands up, allowing Gon to instinctively follow. "I'm fine," Killua says, not lying this time. "Come on, we don't have much time."

"What if your brother catches you?"

"Then I guess we'll just have to keep me hidden in some way," Killua says simply as he slings his backpack over his shoulder. "Hanging out with you idiots can be reason number eight."

Gon raises a brow, grinning in amusement. "Alright. Reason number eight, let's go! Leorio said he'd be in front of the school. Wanna borrow my jacket?"

"What good is that gonna do?"

"It's got a hood." Killua eyes the green and gold letterman jacket. _Huh. It does. I never noticed._

"Fine," Killua reluctantly agrees before shrugging off his backpack. Gon unzips his jacket before shrugging that off. "Our school colors are ugly," Killua sighs, pulling it on. The number 99 (which happened to be Killua's favorite number) was stitched proudly on the upper sleeve. "Oh god, please don't tell me your name's on the back." He turns to look but quickly realizes he can't.

"Just my last name and uniform number," Gon answers before chuckling. He tilts his head slightly, blatantly staring at Killua. "My jacket looks good on you. You should wear it more often." 

"Shut up!" Killua hisses out in embarrassment. He shoves Gon's shoulder, trying to avoid looking him in the eye. He pulls up the hood as Gon grabs his backpack for him. "Let's just get out of here before someone sees."

Gon laughs but follows Killua nevertheless out of the computer room and down the hallway.

"Why are you so embarrassed? I was just complimenting you," Gon says as they make their way to the front. Killua shoves his hands in the jacket's pocket. Something crinkles against his hand, making him sigh as he pulls a folded piece of paper out of the pocket.

"What's this?" Killua asks, getting ready to unfold it. Gon reaches for it, making Killua instinctively pull it out of his reach. Killua looks at Gon mischievously.

"It's just trash," Gon argues, "let me throw it away."

"Based on your reaction, I know it's definitely not trash." He attempts to open it again, only for Gon to reach over again. "Woah!" He pulls it out of reach again. "Does this, by chance, have anything to do with that surprise I'll have to accept."

"Whaaaat?" Gon drawls out, cheeks reddening. "Of course not." He jumps, nearly forcing Killua to fall against the lockers.

"It _is_!" Killua accuses with a grin. "Oooh, I wonder what's in it—"

"You promised you'd let yourself be surprised!" Gon whines. "Give it back now."

"You're right," Killua admits, "I guess...you'll just have to take it!"

Without warning, Killua takes off. Sneakers screech against the floor as he runs down the hall.

"Killua!" Gon cries out. Killua can hear his footsteps close behind him.

Killua laughs loudly as he turns a corner, grabbing the locker to help him turn faster. Gon nearly runs into the wall after turning the corner to follow.

Killua shoves the piece of notebook into the letterman's pocket as he heads toward the front doors of the schools.

He knew he was faster than Gon, he proved that during their little scrimmage yesterday. But Gon is much more determined when it comes to winning. Usually, that determination helps.

 _I wonder if he's determined enough today_ , Killua thinks to himself as he nears the entrance. Whatever's on that piece of paper must be important.

Killua's thoughts are interrupted when strong arms wrap around his waist and the body pressed against his back pushes forward.

Killua lets out a surprised cry as he and Gon fall to the ground. Gon groans on top of him, clearly not expecting the fall either. Every bruise on Killua's body screams in pain, but Killua ignores it and instead chuckles.

"You idiot," he chuckles, trying to roll to his side. Gon laying on top of him does not help. "You tackled me."

"I didn't mean to," Gon admits with a groan, not bothering to get off of Killua, "I tripped."

"Yeah," Killua laughs, "I felt that. Get off of me you lug, I'm tired of having my face against the dirty floor."

Gon groans in faux annoyance before slowly rolling onto the ground beside Killua. He lets out a huff as Killua rolls onto his back. Killua pants slightly before looking over at Gon.

Gon, sensing his gaze, meets it head-on with his own. "I like seeing you smile," Gon admits to Killua's flushed self. "It's beautiful."

Killua can't muster a dignified response. He pulls the folded notebook paper out of his pocket before handing it to Gon. "H-Here, you idiot."

Gon gently takes it, his fingers somehow brushing against Killua's, before he pockets it again. "Thanks."

Killua can't turn away, no matter how much he wants to. Screw Kurapika and Leorio, he'd do anything just to stay like this with Gon.

 _There's no way this is how friendship is supposed to feel_ , he rationalizes. Being with Gon was so consuming these days but in a good way. His words from Saturday night make his way to his mind again: how he wished to stay with Gon forever.

_Is this...is this something else?_

He wasn't sure if it was a crush. He'd only had one before, but he'd never talked to that guy. He was always too scared or nervous to make a move. Besides, that guy left Killua with a tingling feeling in his gut. Gon...Gon was comfortable to be with. And rather than a tingling feeling of nerves, he was left with pure giddy.

"Can I see your nails?" Gon asks, his voice softer than it was earlier. It feels like they're not in the school's hallway, rather, in their private room set aside for just the two of them: Gon and Killua.

 _Gon and Killua_. It sounded so nice together now that he thought about it.

Killua says nothing but offers his hand, allowing Gon to gently guide his fingers into his eye-line. Gon stares at the light purple polish, clearly amazed at how pretty they look.

Killua has to stop himself from letting out a sigh as Gon rubs his thumb against his knuckles.

"I really like you, Killua," Gon whispers.

"I really like you too, Gon," he found himself saying.

Gon gives what looks to be a sad smile. "Yeah, but not in the way I like you."

Killua frowns at that. _What's that supposed to mean?_ "What makes you think I don't?"

"Do you?"

Killua couldn't answer. He didn't want to lie and he didn't want to ask what he means. But he regrets not saying anything when Gon's sad smile returns.

"It's okay," he promises, his thumb still rubbing Killua's knuckles. "I'll wait as long as it takes."

 _Wait for what?_ Killua wanted to ask. _Am I supposed to learn something?_

Gon sits up with a groan, letting go of Killua's hand momentarily. "Come on, let's go. Leorio and Kurapika are waiting for us and we don't have a lot of time left."

He gets to his feet before wordlessly helping Killua to his. Before either of them move, Gon notices the confused look Killua's giving. It brightens his smile.

"Don't think about it," he commands, grabbing both of Killua's hands. He gives a quick squeeze. "At least, not right now, alright?"

"It's hard to not think about confusing things," Killua admits, "I don't know what you mean."

"You're so smart," Gon compliments, tilting his head slightly, "you'll figure it out. Now, let's take our minds off of it by helping Kurapika and Leorio grocery shop."

Killua doesn't object. If Gon wants to wait, they'll wait. For what? Who knows. But Killua's determined to figure it out.

The two head outside, Gon holding one of Killua's hands as he's lead to the old car parked a few feet from the stairs.

Killua recognized Leorio and Kurapika in the driver and passenger seats. Leorio looked like he was complaining while Kurapika was nodding along, possibly giving advice.

Gon opens the back seat, both immediately greeted but Leorio's frustrated yelling and Kurapika's calming voice.

"Hey, guys!" Gon greets, sliding into the seat behind Leorio. He pulls Killua into the seat beside him before putting his backpack on the ground. "Sorry we took so long, I got caught up talking with Killua."

Leorio and Kurapika stop their conversation to look back at the two. Kurapika gives a warm smile and Leorio continues to seethe.

"What's got your diaper twisted, old man?" Killua asks before nodding at Leorio's red face.

"I'm not old!" He exclaims before adjusting his glasses. He clears his throat, and Killua mentally prepares himself for the possibility of more screaming. He didn't realize he squeezed Gon's hand until Gon squeezed back.

"Leorio is upset because he won't be able to start his shift change until next month," Kurapika explains before Leorio can. "He was supposed to start tomorrow, but a rival managed to convince the employers to wait another month."

"I'm going to drop kick that loathing mother fucker!" Leorio curses, shifting the car's gear from park to drive.

Gon leans over, whispering, "Don't worry about his driving. He always goes the speed limit, even when he's mad."

This proved to be true as the car was moving at an achingly slow fifteen miles per hour through the parking lot. Killua didn't mind too much, as long as they got back in time for their final class.

"So who's the guy that took your shift?" Killua casually asks.

" _Tonpa_ ," Leorio practically hisses out, gripping the wheel until his knuckles turned white.

Kurapika places a hand on Leorio's shoulder before giving it a small squeeze. They move their thumb, hoping to calm Leorio down in whatever way possible.

The sight was...calming, to say the least.

"What do you guys need from the store?" Gon asks, changing the subject for Leorio's sake.

"Anything that makes a decent meal," Leorio admits, "we've been eating take out all week. It's about time for us to be semi-stable adults."

"Or we could keep our chaotic ways and start eating out of dumpsters when we run out of money," Kurapika suggests with a grin.

"I am an aspiring doctor!" Leorio exclaims. "I'll be damned if I eat out of a dumpster!"

Everyone but Leorio seems to laugh at that.

————

Gon had always enjoyed watching Killua. The past two and a half weeks have easily proved that, and it certainly didn't help that he was starting to feel something more for the pale teen.

Despite inwardly begging for Killua's reciprocated feelings, Gon was glad Killua hadn't realized what he was talking about. Yeah, it hurts he'll have to wait until Killua figured out, but it was the best outcome for the both of them. Killua's been struggling and Gon doesn't want to make it seem a relationship will be his only savior. 

This means he'll have to hold off on that surprise for a minute or two.

But he was surprised (and borderline ecstatic) when Killua agreed to skip study hall with him. He was glad Killua was allowing himself fun, but he was forced to think about possible bad things when Killua mentioned his family. Killua was usually worried of what his family would do if they found out he was having fun.

Gon wondered if his family had anything to do with the way his ankle looked when they played soccer or when they went to 7/11.

Gon hated thinking like that. He wanted to give Killua the benefit of the doubt. Because if that's what his family was truly doing, if they hurt him like that, wouldn't he say something about it? Surely he would. Ikalgo seemed to notice how Killua acts after getting caught too. What was it he said? _"Killua puts up with a lot just to go_ here _for school."_

What does Killua put up with? Gon felt like he knew the answer, but he was too scared to even think of it. It angered him.

"Are you okay?" Killua asks softly as the two get of Leorio's car. Kurapika and Leorio were a few steps ahead of them, going over their list. "You're squeezing my hand pretty tightly."

"Oh!" Gon lets out, before loosening his grip, "yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about that, Killua."

"It's no problem," Killua mumbles, looking down at their interlocked hands. Gon couldn't help but smile as Killua's cheeks redden slightly. "You kinda blanked out for a minute is all."

Come to think of it, he doesn't remember much after Kurapika started talking about eating out of a dumpster. Gon's been blanking out a lot lately, hasn't he? If he keeps it up, it'll get as bad as it did on Whale Island all those years ago...

"Yeah, I was just thinking—"

"That explains it," Killua teases.

Gon pouts. "Killua!" He whines as Killua snickers. "You're being mean!"

"I'm not being mean," Killua declares before lifting his chin.

"Being a little shit means the same thing!" Leorio calls out from a few feet ahead. Kurapika chuckles to themself.

"This is why Tonpa got the job before you!" 

"You little—" Leorio interrupts himself to quickly turn and start running toward Gon and Killua.

"Shit—" Killua curses, letting go of Gon's hand to dodge the lanky man. Killua laughs as Leorio nearly falls onto the concrete.

Gon enjoyed seeing Killua so happy and energetic. It almost matched his usual-self. Gon looks over at Kurapika, who's watching the two in amusement.

Killua dodges again, making Leorio run into a car. The alarm starts going off, making both of them stop in their spots. They make eye contact for a few moments before looking at the other two.

"Go, go, _go!_ ” Leorio hisses as people started to look at the four. Leorio takes two steps to reach Kurapika (curse his tall genetics) and gently grabs their arm. Gon runs to catch up, grabbing Killua by the hand before tugging him toward the front doors of the store.

"Kurapika can we get a cart?!" Gon asks loudly, already heading toward the rows of carts.

"Don't get lost," Kurapika instructs as Leorio glares threateningly at Killua. Killua smirks before sticking his tongue out. "Meet us when I text you."

Gon salutes before pulling Killua toward the carts. "Do you want to push or get in?"

"Get in?" Killua repeats, clearly confused, "idiot, isn't that for groceries?"

"Yeah, but we're not getting groceries."

"You make a good point. I'll push."

Gon grins as Killua pulls the cart away from the others. He gestures dramatically to it, bowing slightly. "Your ride, my liege."

Gon plays along, putting a hand over his heart before lifting his chin. "Why thank you, my good sir." He climbs in easily with Killua holding it steadily. He easily stands, propping his foot on the edge before pointing ahead. "Onward, my friend!"

Killua grins before he starts pushing. The two were going faster than Gon expected, but it only excited him. He continues pointing ahead as Killua pushes them down the aisle, heading toward the back of the store.

"Where are we going?" Gon asks as Killua pushes them toward the corner.

"We are going to soar, my friend," Killua responds as he lines up in the middle. Gon could see the other side of the store, where the freezers are aligned. "You ready?"

"Always." Gon grins, getting excited for the way they'd glide.

"Alright. Keep your eyes ahead, let me know if we're about to run into anything."

Gon nods. With a huff, Killua starts pushing again. The two gain speed, creating wind to push back Gon's spikes. Gon laughs as they fly by the aisles. He wanted to feel like this all the time, like he could fly. He hears another person laughing before looking back.

Killua was standing on the low bar of the cart, no longer running. He leans back slightly, steadying their weight as they soar past other customers. And best of all? He was laughing too.

It was a beautiful sight. He could watch it all day. Unfortunately, that's not possible when they're both at school.

While he was staring at Killua, he neglected to keep an eye on their pathway. As one could imagine, their ride was cut short when the cart ran into the side of one of those in the middle of the aisle freezers.

Killua lets out an _oof_! as his stomach abruptly hits the handlebar of the cart. Gon, however, managed to not only fall out of the cart but fly over the freezer and land harshly on the ground on the other side.

"Gon!" Killua exclaims, disembarking the cart. He pushes it out of the way before moving around the freezer.

Gon lets out a groan before sitting up. His knee stung from roughly sliding against the rubber-like floor, but he could hardly feel it.

"Can we do that again?" Gon asks with a grin. Killua's eyes were roaming over him, possibly looking for injuries. Whatever the reason was, Gon didn't care. He liked having Killua's attention.

"You're an idiot!" Killua retorts before pointing to his knee. "How do you manage to skin your knee in a grocery store?!"

Gon looks at his knee, seeing small droplets of blood. It feels more like a strong rug burn than anything. He shrugs. "It's not bad, Killua. It doesn't even hurt."

"Doesn't mean you're still not an idiot," Killua retorts. "Come on, we're going to the first aid aisle." He offers his hand, which Gon gladly takes, and helps pull Gon to his feet.

"Why?"

Killua rolls his eyes and somehow makes it the most beautiful thing Gon's ever seen. He's always had a soft spot for Killua's eyes.

"We gotta wipe away the blood and put on some antibiotic ointment. It's already starting to swell." Gon looks down at his knee, and of course, Killua's right. Still, it doesn't seem that big of a deal. Killua's overreacting as Aunt Mito does.

"You know what you're doing," Gon notes as they abandon the cart beside the freezer and head toward the first aid. They ignore the stares they receive from those who watched the crash.

Killua snorts. "And you don't? With how often you get hurt, I figured you'd know how to take care of it."

"Aunt Mito does that for me," Gon admits, "She says she would let me do it the day I leave. I think she likes taking care of me."

"Huh," Killua lets out. Gon notes the glazed look in his eye, knowing he's about to get lost in his thoughts. Did his parents not take care of any scrapes he got?

When Killua gets lost in his thoughts, Gon usually waits a minute or two before interrupting. Instead, he decided to be selfish and pull Killua back early. It's not like they had much time together left anyway.

"What are you thinking about?" Gon asks as they turn. He squeezes Killua's hand just in case he didn't hear him.

"My sister," Killua admits. Gon trusted he was telling the truth.

"Her name's Alluka, right?"

Killua smiles. "Yeah. I was just thinking how she would've liked this."

"Us crashing a shopping cart?"

Killua rolls his eyes. "We didn't crash it. We just...ran into things. Which, by the way, is _your_ fault! You were supposed to keep an eye out."

Gon bows his head before pouting. "I know, but I got distracted. You looked really happy." He hides his smile as Killua's cheeks begin to redden again. He goes back to talking about Killua's sister. "So, why would she like this?"

"Alluka likes normalcy," Killua continues, "but she loves chaos and randomness." He chuckles to himself. "One time, she brought a cat she found outside of a Waffle House. She managed to potty train it before our parents found out."

"She sounds fun," Gon admits, "Her and Kurapika would get along. Did you know Kurapika became a tattoo artist just so they could tattoo their face on some guy they hate?"

"Seriously?" Killua grins, teeth gleaming in the store's yellow light. "That...that takes dedication. Alluka would love that."

"Let's invite her next time!" Gon suggests, making Killua's brows raise. "I'm sure she'd get along with Leorio and Kurapika. We could go shopping or get ice cream!"

Gon could tell Killua wanted what was best for his sister. He could see it in his eyes the few times Alluka's been mentioned. He'd love to meet the person that makes Killua happy.

"Yeah," Killua says with a smile, "we'd like that."   


There it is, that fluttery feeling again. Gon could feel it every time Killua did something remotely cute.

_I wish he'd just understand how I feel_ , Gon hears himself thinking. Either Killua was truly oblivious to romance or he hadn't received enough love in his life to tell the difference between platonic and romantic. It hurt Gon's heart to think Killua hasn't received love.

Killua lets go of his hand (much to Gon's dismay) and grab a box of ointment off the shelf. "I'll pay for it on the way out," he promises. "Sit down. I'm not gonna get on my knees and look like I'm...yeah, no."

Gon obliges. Knowing what Killua meant, he still asks, "Look like you're doing what, _Killua_?"

Killua narrows his eyes at Gon. "You know exactly what I was gonna say don't play dumb." He unboxes the ointment before he uncaps it and he looks up at Gon again. "Do you wanna do it or am I gonna have to baby you."

"I like it when you baby me." Gon grins cheekily. "It makes me think you care."

Killua rolls his eyes. "You're an idiot." He puts a little on his finger before gently rubbing Gon's knee. Gon will admit, the ointment did feel good on his swelling skin. That, combined with Killua's cold hand, might as well have healed his knee. He liked Killua's slender hands touching him.

"Thanks," Gon says after a few moments of silence have passed.

"Well, it's the least I could do," Killua mumbles, "you did bring me here, after all."

"I asked you to come with me because I wanted to spend time with you," Gon says. Killua looks down, using his bangs to hide the blush. Gon almost grins for making Killua blush the umpteenth time today.

"You keep saying embarrassing shit like that," Killua says and Gon could already sense where this conversation was going. Killua sighs as he continues to rub in the ointment. By now, it seemed to be more of a distraction. "I know you said not to think about it, but I'm really confused, Gon." He finally looks up again. "I want to understand."

Gon sighs wistfully, but doesn’t offer a usually blunt answer. "There's not much else I can do to help. I'm sorry, Killua, but this is something you'll have to figure out on your own."

"You said you really liked me," he continues anyway, "and I said it back. But then you went ahead saying I don't like you the way you like me. Did they not mean the same thing?"

"I don't know," Gon admits, making Killua's shoulders slump. "My version of really liking someone could be different from yours."

"How do you know it's not the same?"

"Gut feeling."

Killua scoffs. "You're basing this off a 'gut feeling?'" He stops rubbing Gon's knee. Rather than getting pissed off as Gon expected, Killua just shakes his head with an amused smile. "I should have known."

"I promise I'll tell you when the time's right," Gon promises, offering his pinky. Killua snorts at the sight.

"No need to do the pinky thing. I trust you." He sighs. "Does this have anything to do with that surprise you don't want me knowing about?"

Gon smiles, knowing it would confirm Killua's suspicions.

"Fine. I'll—"

"What did you _do_?!"

The two teenage boys quickly turn their heads to see Kurapika and a pissed Leorio at the end of the aisle. Their cart was partially full of groceries.

Leorio points at Gon's knee before pointing at Killua. " _What did you do?!_ " He repeats, making Killua's eyes widen.

" _Me_? Fuck you! This happened to be his fault too!"

"You hurt my son!"

"And here you are yelling at me to not call you an old man," Killua retorts, "For your information, Gon was supposed to make sure we didn't crash because I couldn't see past him."

"You crashed a shopping cart?" Kurapika muses. "Did you leave it by the meat freezer?"

"Yeah!" Gon chimes, happy to see his friends be so energetic in a grocery store.

"Nope!" Leorio denies, "We are not doing this again. I'm splitting you two up, next time. Maybe then there will be no injuries on a shopping trip!"

"Aww!" Gon whines, leaning his head back, "but I like being with Killua!" He reaches over and pulls Killua close to his side. "Good luck separating us!"

"Yeah!" Killua agrees. Gon's heart skips a beat when Killua wraps his arms around Gon. "If you think you're gonna separate us, you got another thing coming, old man!"

Leorio looks back at Kurapika for help only to see them laughing into their hand. "Don't laugh!" Leorio demands, "they could've hurt themselves more! Or worse: the shopping cart!"

"Do you wanna fucking go, old man?! I'll kick your ass!" Gon could feel himself get excited over Killua's sudden burst of energy.

"I heal, I don't hurt!" Leorio argues.

Killua lets go of Gon to stand. "I'll show you hurt, _bitch_ , let's go!"

 _God, I love this man._ Gon thinks dreamily as Killua and Leorio get ready to possibly fight in the middle of the first aid aisle.

The thought surprises Gon. He knew he was known for his bluntness. His mind worked the same way, but lately, his thoughts were about how much he liked Killua. He never even thought of it as love.

Despite it startling him, he did feel some type of content. It seemed right to love Killua. It was almost as if he confessed these thoughts a thousand times in different worlds or lifetimes.

Yeah, he loved Killua, and he would patiently wait until Killua was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gon: i love you  
> killua: i love you too bestie?
> 
> PLEASE this kills me too.


	11. reason nine: the kindness of strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Illumi’s presence   
> TW: there is homophobia present in this chapter. there is use of the f-slur and just really shitty things. It has been sectioned off with ****.

He felt like a child asking for something knowing his guardian was pissed all day. His stomach was in knots and his hands wouldn't stop wringing. The last time he asked Illumi for something, he got hurt.

But this is for Alluka, so he'd take whatever Illumi thought was necessary.

Illumi was at his desk again, typing away on his laptop and paying no mind to Killua when he walked into his office.

Killua drops his backpack in the extra seat, getting ready to take his place and study beside Illumi for the third time this week. Rather than sitting down like he usually does, he stands in front of the desk, waiting for Illumi to address him.

"How was school?" Illumi finally asks after a few moments of awkward silence. Killua wished he was in the library instead.

"Good," Killua answers, resisting the urge to roll his eyes, "very educational."

Illumi doesn't note the sarcasm and instead nods his head. He doesn't look up from his screen, not yet acknowledging Killua's awkwardly standing self.

 _Stop being a wuss_ , Killua thinks to himself, just say it. _This is for Alluka and Gon._

When it became apparent that the two wanted to meet each other, Killua had no choice but to make it happen. He secretly loved the idea of them getting to know each other.

"I have something to ask of you," Killua adds. The clicking and clacking of the keyboard stop, making Killua's heart skip a beat. Illumi finally looks up, empty eyes staring at Killua's ocean blue.

Illumi told his head, beckoning him to go on without having to say it.

"It's about Alluka," Killua continues. He lets out a nervous sigh before straightening his posture. He rests his hands at his sides. "I want to take her shopping after she talks to Nanika this Saturday." 

"Why?" comes the immediate question.

"I never get to treat her to anything." Illumi's gaze was starting to burn. "I know I don't deserve it, Big Brother, but I want to do something for her."

Illumi sighs. "You know her treatment depends on your behaviors throughout the week. That trip to the warehouse was to teach you a lesson; it was not a reward or a punishment."

"And I learned, Big Brother," Killua promises, "but if Alluka isn't treated well despite my good behavior the rest of this week..."

Illumi's face doesn't change at the implication. "What more could he want?"

" _She_ needs clothes," Killua corrects. "She's got maybe ten outfits to rotate through."

Illumi pauses for a few moments, hopefully, to consider Killua's request. "Why should I allow this? You have nothing to offer. Your actions the past week were a result of your insolent behavior last weekend."

"I've done nothing but study every day after school just like Father said," Killua argues, "And I...I learned my lesson at the warehouse."

"Won't Alluka talking to Nanika be rewarding enough?"

"That was Father's condition," Killua reminds, feeling more confident with his words. "He did that for me. I want to do this for her."

"Where could you possibly take him shopping in this dreadful little town?" Killua tries to not smile. Illumi was asking questions about the actual trip, meaning he's considering it.

"There's a mall. Neither of us has ever been to it, but I'm sure it's got something she'd like," Killua admits.

Illumi pauses for a moment, clearly taking the time to think it over. Killua hated how internally excited he was feeling over the possibility of getting to hang out with his sister. That kind of thing shouldn’t need permission 

Illumi goes back to typing before saying, "Would you rather Tsubone, Canary, or Gotoh accompany the both of you?"

 _Excuse me?_ If a butler's supposed to join them, that would make it much harder to introduce Gon and Alluka.

"Accompany?" Killua scoffs. "We don't need a babysitter, Ill—Big Brother. And I'm not having a butler stand by and watch her try on clothes. That's fucking creepy."

"Your language, Killua," Illumi sighs out. "And the butler isn't going to watch Alluka change, they'll just make sure the two of you don't get into trouble."

"You have that little faith in me, huh?" Killua sighs. "Come on, there's got to be some normalcy to this trip. Two teens with a butler aren't exactly inconspicuous."

"I never said it had to be. With your recent behavior, you should feel grateful I'm letting you go at all." He stops his typing again to look up at Killua. "You're being accompanied, that's final."

Killua crosses his arms before letting out a huff. Well, the best choice would be Canary or Gotoh. She usually lets him get away with things. "Fine, have Canary supervise us."

It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but he supposed it was the most likely outcome.

"You didn't plan to meet with any friends, did you?"

It's easy to lie when Illumi wasn't trying to extract information.

Killua scoffs. "You know I don't have any friends..." He looks down before putting out a huff. "None that are worth the trouble anyway. Besides," he looks back up, "I don't need friends, right?"

If Killua were to ever see Illumi smile, this would probably be one of those times. A majority of his family liked it when he was being obedient. Sometimes it was painfully obvious that he was just doing it to get what he wants, but they appreciated his efforts all the same.

Because they knew that one day, Killua's obedience wouldn't be forced.

"Next weekend, Hisoka will be flying back down." Killua was not prepared for the sudden announcement. "He'll be helping me with a client. I'd like for you to join us again."

Killua's fingers unconsciously clenched at the thought of being near that clown again. After the shit he pulled Monday, Killua was admittedly scared of him.

 _He knew my thoughts and used them against me with that fucking pill bottle. He knows I wouldn't have been able to just throw it away_.

He almost flinches at the memory of Hisoka gently placing the bottle in his hand before kissing him on the forehead like a mother would kiss her child.

_I hate him, I hate him, I hate him._

"Another trip to the warehouse?" Killua repeats, swallowing his fears and hatred down for the moment. "So soon?"

"Yes," Illumi says, "after our last trip, it's become apparent you're not as desensitized as I'd hoped. You can't be a strong defense attorney if you're crying over violence."

"No, I suppose I can't," Killua mumbles. "When's your boy toy flying in? Next Friday?"

"Next Thursday," Illumi corrects, "and he is not my 'boy toy' as you so crudely put it. He is our firm's acquaintance."

Killua snorts before sitting down in the cushioned armchair in the corner where his bag rests. "And you say we don't need friends."

"I could cancel your little outing on Saturday—"

"Relax, Big Brother," Killua sighs, already opening his textbook. "You almost sound like Milluki." Killua feigns nonchalance as he starts taking notes. "It's not like Father cares about your... _escapades_."

Illumi doesn't bother answering and resumes his typing. Killua fights the smile that tries to form. _I did it!_

But the urge to smile quickly disappeared once he was reminded that Hisoka would return next week, and the three of them would be going back to that warehouse.

 _No_ , he thinks determinedly. _I'm not going back. He'll have to find a way out of this._ Killua's not sure his mentality could handle another trip to the warehouse.

_Well, I do have one way out..._

Don't think like that! He's never gonna need those pills. The reasons outweigh that urge...they have to.

_And if they don't?_

No. They do. Focus on more positive things, like being able to finally introduce his two favorite people to each other.

That positive thought seemed to keep Killua's mind at ease as he studied for the next hour and forty-five minutes.

————

Despite having never been to a mall before, Killua wasn't surprised by its clustered atmosphere. In some senses, it felt a lot like school except with more people having fun.

There's a lot of many, too many if he were, to be honest. He was starting to feel as anxious as he did at the soccer game and the party. But he's got Alluka now, and she's much better in crowds than he is. He'll be fine.

Besides, Canary would never let anything happen to either of them.

"Nanika said she misses you a lot," Alluka reports excitedly as the three stop in front of a weirdly placed map. "She can't wait to see you again."

Killua gives a warm smile at the thought of his other sister. It's been too long since he's seen her. Unfortunately, he's still got another two weeks before he can see her through a screen.

_If I play my cards right, maybe I can get us a visiting day by the end of next month._

"You told her I missed her too, right?"

"Of course!" Alluka grins. "I said 'Big Brother misses you too much! He can't go a day without talking about you!' It made her really happy."

"That's good," Killua sighs in content, "Did you tell her I'd see her soon?"

Canary remains silent behind the siblings as they figure out where they're supposed to meet Gon.

"Yeah, but she was upset it wouldn't be for another two weeks. She didn't like talking to anyone else for too long."

"Master Killua, Master Alluka," Canary interrupts, "do you two have an idea where you planned on shopping? I have a few suggestions."

Killua groans. "Come on, Canary, we're in public." He looks back at her. "You don't have to refer to us like that."

"It's part of my job description," Canary says with an apologetic smile. 

"Well...could you refrain from using that in front of my other friend? I don't want him thinking differently..."

Canary gives a teasing smile at the mention of Killua's friend. "Is this the friend you keep sneaking out for?"

Killua looks down at Alluka, who's staring at the floor sheepishly. "Yeah, I had Canary and Gotoh help me cover for you."

"Might I add how excited I am to finally meet this ' _friend_ ' of yours," Canary adds.

Killua could already feel his cheeks heat up. "Why'd you say friend like that? Gon's my friend."

_Yeah, right. Friends don't hold each other's hands all the time and talk about how much they love being with each other._

Of course they do. Friends appreciate each other, all the time, right? 

"Well, hopefully, it'll be more after he finally meets me!" Alluka teases. "Who wouldn't want to date someone with a sister like me?"

"Date?" Killua repeats, ears burning too, "No, he doesn't wanna date me. That's weird, right?"

Canary blinks before looking over at Alluka. "You didn't tell me he was oblivious to his own feelings."

Alluka lets out a huff before crossing her arms. "I was hoping he'd come to terms with it by now, but I guess not! You'll help me, right?"

"It'll be my pleasure."

 _What the hell are they talking about?_ Killua's conscious snaps. _Feelings? Gon and I are really good friends. It's all platonic, right?_

_"Yeah, but not in the way I like you."_

Could that hint toward something else? _Yeah, there's no way Gon would ever like me like that._

_"I'm sorry, Killua, but this is something you'll have to figure out on your own."_

But what is there to figure out? He made it clear he liked Killua. Gon's always been open about his feelings. He says exactly what he means. Unfortunately, Killua takes that literally and assumes 'I really like being with you' has no other implications.

Dumbass.

"So!" Alluka claps her hands together before actually looking at the map. "Where are we going first?"

"Gon's not here yet, so pick wherever you wanna shop and I'll let him know where to meet us," Killua answers, pulling out his phone.

Alluka clicks her tongue. "Don't act like this shopping trip isn't for you too," she teases. Her eyes widen before pointing to a particular store. "I want to check out their sundresses here."

Killua looks at the name, not recognizing it, but excited all the same. "Sounds perfect." He sends a quick text to Gon, only to immediately receive "sweet :D" as a response.

"Already smiling and he's not even here yet," Alluka teases. _I was smiling? Of course I was_.

Killua's cheeks started to burn. "It's not like that," he snaps shoving Alluka away. She lets out a dramatic squeal before resting the back of her hand on her forehead.

"How _dare_ you?!" She cries out dramatically. Killua rolls his eyes while Canary simply watches in amusement.

"I will take us home right now," Killua pretends to threaten.

Alluka grins. "But if we go home now, I won't get to meet your boyfriend!"

"H-He's not my boyfriend," Killua stutters.

"Killua's too good to be dating someone like me anyway," chirps that achingly familiar voice. Killua nearly shrieks in surprise.

Alluka beams as the three turn away from the map to face the oncoming ray of light. Gon pulls his hands from his pocket to give a wave.

 _Of course, he looks good today_. He was wearing jeans and a dark green shirt that did not look good with the green and gold letterman jacket he always wore.

"Hi!" He continues, "I'm Gon, Killua's best friend."

That pulls Killua out of his stupor. Alluka looks up at Killua mischievously, as if to say 'Look how handsome he is, Big Brother!'

"Okay, don't introduce me," Alluka scoffs before approaching Gon. "I'm Alluka, his favorite sibling!" She opens her arms. "I'm a hugger!"

 _That_ brightens Gon's smile. Both he and Alluka are physically affectionate. Killua knew they'd hit it off. "I am too!" He exclaims excitedly before meeting Alluka in the middle. She giggles as he wraps his arms around her and lifts her ever so slightly to twirl her.

Killua could feel his heart beating in his chest at the sight. Something about his two favorite people already getting along made him smile.

When Gon put Alluka down, his cheeks were dusted with a faint pink. Alluka looked back at Killua and Canary with a smug look. 

_What did that she-devil say?_

Gon's gaze lands on Canary. "Hi," he greets, "you look like you'd rather have a handshake." He offers his hand. "I'm Gon."

"Canary," she greets, and Killua was silently pleading she wouldn't tell the truth about her being there, "I'm a friend of Killua's."

"That's a pretty name," Gon compliments as she shakes his hand. Neither of them noticed Killua sighing in relief. Once Gon lets go, he easily surprises Killua by wrapping his arms around him.

" _Gon_!" Killua chides, trying to pull away but that somehow tightened Gon's grip. "What the hell are you doing?!"

Killua could already feel Alluka's smug glance. It only made his cheeks redder. Maybe this wasn't a good idea he thinks to himself.

"I missed you," Gon whispers.

"Idiot, I saw you yesterday."

"It's been too long!"

"You called me last night!"

Gon nuzzles himself against Killua, refusing to let go. "I'm not letting go until you hug me back."

"Idiot! There are people here!"

He could practically feel Gon's grin. "Well, then you better hug me back before I actually give them something to look at."

Killua was not eager to find out what he planned on doing. Reluctantly, he returns the hug. Gon hums in contempt. "I hate you," Killua mumbles against him, not at all meaning it.

"You're my favorite too," Gon responds cheekily before finally pulling away. His cheeky grin brightens at the sight of Killua's flushed face. He looks back at Alluka and Canary. "So, where to first?"

Alluka points at a spot on the map. "Here! I hear they have good sundresses."

Gon looks at the map before nodding. "Never been, but I'm sure it does! Come on, I'll lead the way." 

He steps ahead, beginning the short journey to the unknown store. As the four of them walk, Gon chats away about the past twenty-four hours as if Killua didn't already know.

Alluka nudges Killua's side before raising her brows. "He's a good one, Big Brother," she whispers, "Don't lose him."

"I don't think I could if I wanted to." Killua snorts at his own joke, not taking his eyes off the enthusiastic tan boy ahead.

"He's only been here for five minutes and he's already had an effect on you," Canary notes. Alluka nods in agreement.

————

Gon was extremely proud of himself. Three stores and two and a half hours had passed since he'd met up with the Zoldycks and Canary and he hadn't gotten distracted by things outside the store.

Alluka was, undeniably, a sweet girl. He cherished every time her eyes would light up in excitement at the sight of a new dress. It seemed Gon enjoyed Alluka's presence as much as Killua did. Every time Gon looked at Killua, the latter was just as excited for her.

The only odd thing was that Canary paid for their shopping trip. It's a very generous thing for just a friend to do for Alluka. Gon did not doubt that Canary was a friend of Killua's, but there was something else. She's far more formal toward him than most friends would be. Gon didn't want to insult anyone by questioning it just yet.

He looks back at Killua, enjoying the outfit that seems like something Killua would actually wear. It's similar to the party's. A long sleeve shirt was mostly hidden beneath a solid-colored short sleeve. Unfortunately, there was no bucket hat this time, but Gon didn't mind too much.

Because it would be harder for Killua to hide his blush whenever Gon complimented him.

Gon loved staring at Killua. It became a hobby of his whenever the two hung out. He would shamelessly stare just to see the flustered reaction. Besides, Killua was beautiful. Anyone who thought otherwise doesn't deserve to even look at Killua.

"Hey," Killua calls out, snapping his fingers in front of Gon's face. "You paying attention? We're getting food."

"Sorry," Gon apologizes, "I was distracted."

"By what?" Killua scoffs. "The woman carrying her dog in a purse?"

"There's a dog?" Gon perks up, already looking around.

Killua can't control the laugh that escapes. He has to put a hand on his chest to calm himself. Killua smiling, Gon thinks fondly, is a beautiful sight.

"Well," Killua laughs out, "that _clearly_ wasn't it. What distracted you?"

"You." Gon admits shamelessly. He doesn't bother looking away, knowing he'd be able to catch Killua's cheeks heating up. "I was thinking how great it was that you weren't wearing a bucket hat so it'd be easier to see you. You're really beautiful, Killua, and—"

" _Shut up!_ " Killua hisses, slapping a hand over Gon's mouth. Gon just smiles as Killua looks down in an attempt to hide his red face. "Why do you do this when we're in public?" He mumbles. 

Rather than respond or lick his hand as Killua expected, Gon easily removes Killua's hand away from his face. He easily lifts Killua's head by the chin with two fingers, forcing eye contact.

Killua's eyes were wide, making the ocean metaphor for his eyes more valid. God, he's beautiful.

"Want me to say it when we're alone too?" He asks lowly. Killua looked as though he might combust any second now. The urge to kiss Killua was stronger than ever. _Don't do it, Gon. Don't kiss him. Be patient._ Instead, he leans closer to Killua's ear, whispering out, "You're beautiful, Killua."

He pulls away, removing his hand from Killua's face. Seeing Killua's beet-red face and wide eyes almost made him feel smug because he did that.

Killua clears his throat. "We're still in public, dumbass."

 _Wow_ , he recovered from that much faster than Gon thought he would. No matter. Gon saw it as a challenge.

"A food court, to be precise," Gon adds before grabbing his hand. "Where are we eating?"

"No, you don't get to be a smart ass, not after that," Killua snaps. He doesn't let go of Gon's hand. "You're lucky my sister and Canary are nowhere near us right now."

"Why's that?" Gon hums happily. He starts leading them to one of the restaurants, knowing Killua will speak up if the place wasn't wanted.

Killua's silent for a few moments, unconsciously alerting Gon that he's about to get lost in his thoughts. He nudged Killua, grounding him to reality. "Killua?"

"Gon," Killua starts, suddenly looking nervous. "Are you...are you flirting with me?"

 _Finally! He's starting to get it!_ It takes all the willpower Gon has to not cheer. Instead, a victorious grin forms.

"I have been for a while now."

"Huh?" Killua retorts, obviously not expecting that answer. "Wait, you've been—"

*****

"Oye, Freecs!" A voice calls out, rudely interrupting Killua's realization. Gon would've been more pissed if he hadn't recognized who said it.

The two teens turn, facing the source. A group of teenage boys, Gon's teammates, were approaching. There were only four of them, which was almost a relief. As much as Gon liked his teammates, he was annoyed his important conversation with Killua was interrupted.

"Hey, guys," Gon greets, not as cheerful as he usually is. "I was actually just talking to Killua, so if you wouldn't—"

" _Killua_?" One scoffs. _Diego_ , Gon recognizes. The small group of boys was all underclassmen. Juniors, Gon believes. He doesn't know much about their school life, only what they say during practice. He considered them as school and soccer friends. "As in Zoldyck?"

Gon didn't like the glares Diego and his friends were giving Killua. Killua meets the glare head-on, but Gon could feel his grip around his hand tightening.

"Ha!" Diego chortles, "the fuck you hanging out with this dude for? Did Zushi dare you or something?"

"No? Killua's my friend," Gon snaps with furrowed brows, "I'd appreciate if you didn't insult him like that."

"Your _friend_?" Diego repeats. The three guys behind him laugh. Gon didn't bother looking at him. He knew their names and that would be enough come practice on Monday. "You know he's a fag, right? He's probably just trying to get in your pants."

"You’re just upset no one wants to get in yours,” Killua remarks before giving a dismissive wave. “Fuck off, asshole. We got places to be.”

“The fuck you say to me?” Diego demands, grabbing Killua by the collar to pull him closer. The two were roughly the same height, so it did very little to intimidate. Killua lets go of Gon’s hand momentarily to jab Diego in the inner elbow. He grabs Diego’s thumb to unhook his thumb from his collar, rendering the rest of his grip useless.

Killua steps back, face red from both embarrassment and anger. “I said fuck off before I make you regret it.”

He grabs Gon’s hand again, hoping to provide and/or receive some comfort from his friend.

Gon loved it when Killua was embarrassed because of _nice_ things. But these weren't nice comments and Gon could tell Killua was both embarrassed and angry.

 _That's fine,_ Gon reassures himself _because I'm angry too._

Diego lifts his hands in surrender before shaking just a little. "Oooh, I'm so scared. What are you gonna do, fag? Throw glitter at me?"

Killua winces as the grip around his hand tightens to the point it starts to hurt. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Gon was pissed.

 _I want to hurt him_ , the thought intrudes.

"Don't talk like that," Gon speaks up, clearly pissed with Diego’s attitude toward them. He glares up at the taller teen. 

Diego looks down at their interlocked hands and dares to laugh. "Holy fuck, Freecs. Don't tell me...you're a homo too?" He starts laughing again at Gon’s unchanging expression. “Holy shit! This is priceless! No wonder you always got a little pep on your step, ya fucking fairy.”

“No wonder you’ve never had a girlfriend,” one of his friends quips. “Say, do you fuck the Zoldyck or does he fuck you?”

Gon’s vision was starting to go red. He could feel another episode coming, but he didn’t bother trying to stop himself. If anyone deserves his rage, it’s this mother fucker.

Before anyone could do anything, Diego falls to the floor, crying out in pain. His three friends look at Diego's fallen self with wide eyes.

 _Did I do that?_ Gon asks. He looks down at his hands, hoping to see nothing different. He was relieved to see one of them still holding Killua's hand. The other was clenched into a fist by his side, but it hadn't moved. _Good, I didn't blackout. But if I didn't do it, who...?_

*****

"Get your homophobic asses out of here."

Gon was officially confused. It was evident Killua was too. The short girl that stood behind Diego's fallen self was glaring at the bastard, a lunch tray in both hands. Neither of them recognized her.

"Who the fuck are you?" One of Diego's friends snaps.

Apparently, _no one_ knew who this girl was.

"The girl that's gonna kick your asses if I see you near those two boys again," she snaps defiantly.

Gon couldn't tell how old she was. If he had to guess, he would say around their age or slightly younger.

"Yeah?" Another of the guys scoffs. “You're gonna kick our asses all by yourself?"

"No one's by themselves," a different voice snaps. Two more girls, taller than almost everyone involved, towered over the boys. Gon could tell they’re identical twins (most people could at this point).

One of them cracks her knuckles while the other crosses her arms over her chest.

"Apologize to them," the other twin demands, " _now_."

Diego stands, glaring at the shorter girl before having to look up at the twins. "Fuck you! Mind your own business."

The shorter girl raises the lunch tray, looking like she's gonna hit him. Unfortunately for Diego's pride, the man flinches.

"Get the fuck out of here," the shorter girl demands.

Diego scoffs. "Come on, let's get out of here. These people aren't worth our time." He gives a taunting wave to Gon. "See you Monday, Freecs."

"No, you won't," Gon finally speaks up, "you're off the team. _All of you_."

No one protested as they left.

The short girl watches them leave before facing Gon and Killua again. She lowers the lunch tray by her side, it nearly scraping the ground.

"Are you two okay?" She asks. Gon was relieved to see genuine concern. "Those guys said some pretty mean things."

"Yeah," Gon answers as he tries to calm himself, "I think we're good." He looks over at Killua, whose face is partially hidden from his bangs. He's staring at the floor again. "Killua?"

Killua squeezes in response, obviously not in the mood to say anything at the moment. Gon nods before looking back at the three girls.

"Thank you," he thanks on both of their behalfs, "Really, you didn't—"

"We didn't do it for your thanks," one of the twins interrupts.

"We did it because that's just what you're supposed to do," the other twin finishes.

The shorter girl lets out a groan before giving a small smile. "If you wouldn't mind, could you keep quiet about me hitting the kid? I'm pretty sure he was a minor."

"You're legal?" Gon asks in surprise. The shorter girl raises a brow. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. You look like a high schooler."

"Well, I suppose I shouldn't be insulted." She grins in triumph as she flips her hair. The tall twins roll their eyes. "But yeah, I'm twenty. So are my friends here."

"What're your names?"

The three girls, sorry, women don't immediately answer as Gon expected. "If I told you my name, we wouldn't be strangers anymore," the shorter woman speaks up.

"It's nice to know that you don't have to know the person to receive help," a twin adds. 

"Strangers can help too," the other twin finishes.

"Will you two be okay?" The shorter woman asks, "we can walk you to your car? Or wait until you meet up with people you know?"

"We'll be okay," Gon promises. His thumb starts to rub circles in Killua's hand.

"Alright," the shorter woman agrees. "You two stay safe, alright?"

"Of course, thank you!" Gon calls out as the three women start to walk away.

"Thank you," Killua speaks up, loud enough for them to hear. The women turn back, giving a reassuring smile to both boys before facing forward again to walk away.

"Are you okay?" Gon whispers.

Killua nods his head. “Yeah...I’m fine.” Gon hated how strangled it sounded. His fist clenched at the thought of Diego and his friends. “Can we, uh, go somewhere a little more private?”

Gon nods and starts leading Killua to the bathroom. _I hate him_ , Gon thinks bitterly, _He made Killua upset_. The blatant homophobia was a catalyst for his rage too, but in Gon’s mind, Killua took priority right now.

Killua leans against the sink with Gon standing in front of him. If they weren’t holding hands, it would’ve looked like Gon was cornering him.

“ _I’m sorry!_ ” They both blurt out at the same time.

This forces Killua to look up in surprise. Gon hated seeing how watery Killua’s eyes were. But back to the matter at hand, why was Killua apologizing?

“Idiot,” Killua scoffs, “Why are you apologizing? It’s my fault.”

“Your fault?” Gon repeats with furrowed brows. “No, it’s _my_ fault. I didn’t know they’d react like that. I should’ve said more to stop.”

“They started insulting you because you were with me and now...now they think you’re gay...like me...”

“Huh?” Gon almost chuckles. “Killua, I _am_ gay.”

Killua frowns in confusion. “You are?”

 _And he calls me an idiot..._ “We were literally having a conversation about this before those assholes butted in.” 

Killua’s cheeks redden slightly at the thought. “Oh...right. Well...now they _know_ you’re gay.”

“I never really hid it,” Gon confesses with a shrug, “That’s on them for not paying attention. But today?” He squeezes Killua’s hand. “That’s all my fault. I’m sorry, I should have done something earlier.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Killua mumbles, “you had no way of knowing. It’s not like you asked them to approach us.”He shakes his head before leaning forward slightly. Gon takes a step forward to allow Killua to rest against his chest. “I thought you were mad at me back there. I could feel it radiating off you.” Killua looks up. “Are _you_ okay?”

“I _really_ want to hurt him,” Gon admits, “I came close to hurting him too. It’s a good thing those women stepped up when they did, or it might’ve been worse.”

“Well, it’s over now, so we don’t have to worry about him as long as we ignore his presence at school.”

“That’s what I’m worried about,” Gon confesses, making Killua frown in confusion. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself next time I see him.”

“You’re shaking,” Killua whispers, grabbing his other hand. _I was?_ He looks down to confirm it. “Hey, calm down, alright? It’s okay.”

“He _touched_ you though,” Gon’s voice starts to wave. “If you hadn’t gotten his grip loose, who knows what could have happened—”

“But it’s okay,” Killua reassures softly, “Really, it’s fine. I’m okay. You’re okay. The only one who got hurt was him and it was thanks to those kind women.” Killua lets go of his hands to wrap his arms around Gon’s chest. “It’s okay,” he reassures again. Gon liked the feeling of his voice, how it vibrated through his chest. “Promise me you won’t beat him up on Monday?”

“Killua, I don’t think—”

“ _Gon_ ,” Killua says sternly. “ _Promise_ me. He’s not worth anyone’s time. You’re getting him and his friends kicked off the soccer team, right? That’ll be enough.”

_He doesn’t want me to hurt him? Why not? That asshole deserves it, right?_

“Gon, please promise,” Killua pleads. “It’s over. Those women helped us. It’s done.”

Killua pulls away and offers his pinky, knowing it would keep Gon grounded. Gon looks at it for a few moments.

Killua’s right. It’s over. It’s time to leave it alone. If he can’t get past something as small as this, then there was no point in moving for a fresh start.

This is what he wanted. He got his second chance. He’s not allowed to mess it up.

“Okay,” Gon agrees, interlocking his pinky with Killua’s. Killua lets out a sigh of relief before giving that smile Gon’s come to love.

Killua listens as Gon makes the promise, making sure Gon doesn’t find a loophole with his wording (not that he would. It was a habit of Killua’s).

Killua wipes his cheeks with his sleeve in case any tears managed to escape. “We should go. Alluka and Canary are probably looking for us.”

“I’m not hungry anymore,” Gon admits, causing Killua to chuckle.

“Yeah, I’m not either,” Killua chuckles. Neither of them moves. “I kinda like this position.”

“Yeah?” Gon smiles before moving closer. Killua’s breath shudders as his hands rest on the counter on both sides of him.

Gon leans closer, allowing himself to feel the heat radiating off of Killua’s blush.

“Y-You’re really gonna flirt with me after everything that just happened?”

“Oh, so you finally realized I’m flirting?”

“I...” Killua trails off before turning his head just slightly to meet Gon’s gaze. “So...when you said you like me you meant...”

“That took you way too long to figure out.” Gon sighs out. “Hell, I even told you the answer. Sorry, I’m not very patient.”

“So...what now?”

“Well, that depends.” Gon pulls away enough. “Do you like me back? Because if you don’t, I’ll stop,” he promises. “I’m okay with just being friends.”

_It’ll hurt, but it’ll be worth it. Anything to keep you by my side._

"I'm not sure," Killua admits, it coming out as a whisper. "I...I think I do? If I didn't make it obvious, I struggle with differentiating platonic and romantic feelings.”

At that, Gon furrows his brows. “I don’t understand,” he admits, “Do I treat you the same way Ikalgo treats you?”

“No! No, of course not,” Killua’s quick to answer. “It’s just, I know my friends and sisters like me in a platonic way. No one’s...no one’s ever liked me any other way.”

“I do.”

Killua scoffs with a fond smile. “So you’ve said. I think I like you, Gon. But...”

“Do you need time to think?” Gon offers. Killua nods his head, almost thankful Gon put it in words for him. Gon gives a teasing grin. “Am I still allowed to give you a surprise?”

“Does it have any romantic connotations?” Gon furrows his brows. “Is it romantic?” Killua rephrases. Gon nods his head. Killua sighs. “Fine, you can still do your surprise.”

Gon grins. “You won’t regret it!”

“I never thought I would,” Killua retorts. He lets out a sigh before looking at Gon again. “Thank you for being understanding. I promise, I just need a few days to clear my head—”

“It’s okay,” Gon reassures, “take as long as you need. I’ll wait. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way.”

“I—”

His phone beeps, interrupting him mid-sentence. Killua looks at it, confirming his suspicions at the sight of Alluka’s text.

 **she-devil** 🌸

_where did u and gone go?_

_gon*_

_sneak off?😏_

“Alluka’s looking for us,” Killua announces. “We should get going. Could you...could you not tell her or Canary about those guys? I don’t want them worrying.”

Gon nods. “Alright. I won’t say anything if that’ll make you feel better.”

Killua smiles. “Thank you, Gon, really.”   


Killua leaned away from the sink before leading the two back to the food court where they would meet Alluka and Canary. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep heir hands interlocked like Gon hoped 

_I’m going to show you what it’s like to be loved,_ Gon promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! THE LITTLE GAY BOY HAS REALIZED. LET HIM BE LOVED!!
> 
> thank yall so much for the support! I know I say this at the end of chapter, but I’m really glad you’re liking this story!


	12. reason ten: conversations and confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: so the chapter basically starts off with a panic attack and then leads to talk of self-harm and a suicide attempt. I am providing a chapter summary at the end if you feel this chapter might be a little much

Ever since Gon's confession at the mall on Saturday, Killua's mind had been racing. No one had ever admitted to liking him in that way. His family declared their love for him whenever they discussed the future, but that's different. Killua was admittedly scared of the implications that came from Gon's confession. Would that mean they'd date? Be boyfriends? _Killua, you're thinking too far ahead, slow your roll._

Still, it felt nice to think he was seen differently in Gon's eyes. In a good way, of course. He was sure he liked Gon back, that he knew, but he had a feeling he should at least think it over. He told Alluka all of this, of course, and it was an understatement to say she freaked out. She then proceeded to call him an idiot for wanting to think it out, claiming he was "overthinking it" or whatever. _Maybe I am_ , he thought, _but thinking it over was just as comforting as it was anxiety-inducing._

He was happy to know that Gon would want to stay friends if he should be rejected. It meant he wanted to stay by Killua's side just as much as Killua wanted to stay by Gon's.

Saturday night, after helping Alluka put away her new clothes, Killua received a text begging for clarification. Gon wanted to keep doing what they were doing: enjoying each other's presence until Killua came up with a decision.

And that's just what they did. Well, the best they could.

Study hall was starting to feel like when they hung out in the library after school. Killua would start with a nap then proceed to study while attempting to ignore Gon's whims to ditch school and do something more fun. It was difficult to look at Gon and not see his calm, easy look when he admitted to flirting with Killua for a while now. The thought of it makes Killua's face heat up.

Things were slightly different now. Gon's confession was always plaguing his mind whenever he came too close. There was a noticeable difference in Gon too. He wasn't as touchy as he used to be. Whether it was out of nerves or respect, Killua wasn't too fond of it. The lack of touching was surprising when it came to Gon.

Wednesday rolled around, and Gon still hadn't asked Killua about a decision, which the latter greatly appreciated. It'd gotten hard to think lately.

"You gonna take your nap?" Gon asks as they enter the empty computer lab. Killua nods tiredly before plopping in a seat. He pushes the keyboard out of the way before laying his head on his arms. Killua can hear his friend chuckle before something warm is draped over him.

"Nice," Killua mumbles, hiding his small smile. He almost asked for Gon to run his fingers through his hair again but decided that would be embarrassing. "Wake me up in thirty minutes."

"Alright," Gon whispers his response.

It was easy to go to sleep. The room was cold but Gon warmed him with his jacket. Gon was respectful and quiet while Killua slept. Instead of waking Killua up thirty minutes later, as Killua asked, he decided to let Killua sleep longer. The pale teen was exhausted when they walked into the computer lab, so Gon let him sleep for at least half of the study hall period.

It was long enough for Killua to dream.

About thirty-five minutes in, Killua didn't look like he was doing too good. It started with a small whine. Gon would've woken him up if that wasn't the only noise made.

When the forty-five-minute mark hit, Gon was admittedly worried after hearing another whine followed by mumbling.

Another ten minutes passed before Killua's face contorted to what looked to be pain. "Please...don't..." the sound of Killua's pleas made Gon's heart drop just a bit. "Not her..."

"Killua?" Gon calls out softly. That only seemed to make it worse. Killua flinched as if he were able to hear Gon but as someone else. He reaches over, not exactly sure what he can do other than try to wake him up.

" _Stop_ ," Killua whispers. A tear falls down his cheek.

"Killua, wake up," Gon commands, starting to panic, "come on, wake up. It's not real." He shakes Killua just a little.

The shake was enough for Killua's blue eyes to widen in fear. Neither of them expected him to fall out of the chair as he tries to scoot away.

" _Stop_!" Killua yells, clutching his chest as it starts to tighten. _What's happening?_ He wonders as his breathing pace increases greatly. _I can't breathe_. "I—" he chokes out, only to regret it.

Killua could feel himself hyperventilating, but the realization doesn't stop the thoughts of the nightmare. _Get out of my head, Illumi._

"Killua, you're having a panic attack," says the ray of sunshine.

 _No shit_ , Killua would've retorted if his chest didn't hurt. The panicked breathing doesn't stop, making it hard to feel the tears slip down his cheek. He couldn't fucking _breathe_ correctly.

"How can I help?" The voice questions again. Someone was close to him, but not too close for discomfort. It was so achingly familiar and kind and but Killua for the life of him couldn't identify the person.

 _How can he help? Make it stop!_ But that seemed unlikely so Killua settled for the next best thing. He reaches out with the hand bit clutching his shirt before gently gripping it a few times.

"Ha— _hand_ ," he chokes out. He needed something to hold on to, something to keep him grounded. That's a thing right? God, it's so hard to think when you can't fucking breathe. His heart was pounding loudly and he was sure the other person could hear it.

The person obliges, and it's so warm and comforting. Killua grips it as hard as he can. The other person's thumb starts rubbing small circles into his pale skin.

"What else can I do?" The voice asks calmly as if the world wasn't fucking ending right now. Through blurry vision caused by tears, Killua could make out the spiky hair in front of him. He almost squints to see the honey-brown eyes he'd grown so accustomed to. The eyes that look at him with admiration. The eyes belong to the person who admitted they had _romantic_ feelings for Killua. 

"Gon—" He lets out, stopping himself from sobbing even more.

 _Illumi was wrong, he wouldn't ditch me_. That was a dream, right? No, a nightmare. _Is that what I'm freaking out about?_ There's more to it, there had to be. His nightmares never hurt just one person. _Who else was involved?_

_Don't think about it! It'll only make it worse! Focus on Gon._

"Killua," Gon answers back calmly. Killua can see the reassuring smile. He would've blushed if everything didn't hurt.

"It—It hurts," he whimpers out. _Feel ashamed about this later._

"I know," Gon says, "I know. Killua, can you do something for me?" For you? Anything. He nods his head in response, making Gon smile. "Repeat this for me: It's scary, but it won't hurt me. Can you do that?"

_It's scary, but it won't hurt me._

_It's scary, but it won't hurt me._

_It's scary, but it won't—_ "hurt me." Gon nodded along, mumbling encouragements to help Killua repeat the mantra until he calmed himself.

 _It's scary, but—_ "it won't hurt me."

"You're doing great, Killua," Gon whispers, squeezing Killua's hand just a little. "I'm so proud."

"It's scary, but it won't hurt me," Killua whispers out. He keeps whispering the mantra until the pain in his chest stopped. He kept whispering the mantra until his vision was no longer blurred and he felt like he could breathe again. It took a few more minutes until the hyperventilating stopped, and the exhaustion began to settle in.

 _What the fuck did you just do?_ Killua's mind demands. _Did you seriously just have a fucking panic attack in front of the only person that'll like you?_

"Are you feeling better?" Gon asks, tilting his head in concern. He continues to rub small circles with his thumb, and it took Killua all he had to not demand for more.

"I'm sorry," Killua mumbles out the apology, looking down at the dirty floor in shame. "I didn't mean to make you go through that."

"I didn't go through anything, Killua, you did. Seriously, are you okay?" Killua doesn't answer. "Hey, look at me?" The grip around Killua's hand tightens reassuringly, making the other boy slowly lift his head to meet Gon's gaze. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Killua mumbles out, "it was just a dumb nightmare that got out of hand."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Killua immediately shakes his head. If he said anything now, Gon was sure to leave.

"I'm sorry," Killua apologizes again. He felt like he could sleep for another two days. "It won't happen again, I promise."

"Killua, it's okay if it happens again, but I just wanna make sure you're okay right now."

"I told you, I'm fine," Killua retorts. He lets go of Gon's hand before pulling himself to his feet. "I just need some sleep."

"Won't you just have another nightmare if you do?" Gon asks before standing up as well. He picks Killua's chair off the ground before settling it where it was before.

"I'm too exhausted to dream again," Killua mumbles, taking a seat. He lays his head on his arms again.

"No, Killua, don't sleep again," Gon sighs, shaking Killua's shoulder just a little bit. "Please? Talk to me."

"It's okay, it was just a fluke..." he mumbles.

"A fluke that needs to be talked about," Gon retorts. He sighs before gently moving Killua's bangs out of his face. "I know you're keeping something from me, Killua. It's bad, right?" Killua opens his mouth to argue, but Gon beats him to it. "It's okay if you don't want to tell. I don't mind."

"Gon," Killua sighs out, "I'm sorry."

"As I said, it's alright." He notices Killua attempting to go back to sleep. "Or...I can take your mind off it? If I tell you a story, will you stay awake?"

Killua opens an eye. "What kind of story?"

"Well, it's true if that helps."

"Non-fiction's boring," Killua frowns.

"Even if it's about me?" Gon grins at Killua's silence. "Before you make a decision, I wanna be honest with you."

"About what?" It almost comes out as a whisper, but Killua managed to turn it into a coherent mumble. He was so tired but he forced himself to stay awake. He wanted to hear what Gon had to say.

"About why I moved here," he admits. "It sorta explains my reaction at the mall."

"The anger?" Killua asks for clarification. Gon nods his head. Oh. Killua remembered Gon's anger all too well. It was weird to see Gon so angry at another person. Killua could only imagine his fear if it were directed at him.

Gon's arm twitches ever so slightly. Killua remembers once seeing the scar wrapped around his upper arm. Does that have to do with him moving? When they saw the sunset together, Killua asked why Gon left Whale Island. The answer was personal considering there was no answer.

 _He's going to tell me now?_ Killua wonders.

"You don't have to tell me," Killua reassures, lifting his head off his arms. His head begs him to lay back down and get some sleep, but Killua refuses. "I won't make you."

"Yeah, but I want to." Gon's smile didn't seem so cheery anymore. "Besides, I want you to know everything that could influence your decision."

_Idiot, nothing could ever make me hate you._

"But...it's personal to you."

"That's the point." He gives a pout. "Honestly, Killua, if you don't wanna know all you gotta say—"

"No, no," Killua interrupts before resting his elbow on the table. He rests his head on his open palm to look at Gon. "I'm listening."

Gon gives a weak smile before taking a deep breath. He offers his hand, beckoning for Killua to take. Killua obliges and even goes as far as to give it a gentle squeeze.

"When I was five, my dad left me." It was a simple sentence with no implication of a follow-up. I didn't even know he had a father. Come to think of it, Gon's never mentioned his father before. "He left me with Mito and my grandmother without a word."

"A man with daddy issues," Killua accidentally quips aloud, "me likey." Killua's eyes widen in surprise. "That was so insensitive, I'm so sorry.”

Gon snorts, not as solemn as he was just moments ago. "You're not wrong." He squeezes Killua's hand just a little. "Anyway, I haven't seen him since. It wasn't until I was twelve did I meet Kite. Kite visited Whale Island to see my father. Unfortunately for him, he was seven years late.

Kite was a wildlife biologist. And since he couldn't find Ging, he decided to make the most out of his time at Whale Island. Whale Island is like a playground for a wildlife biologist. It gave him the chance to pick one thing he wanted to study for the next six months."

 _He keeps using past tense_ , Killua realizes. Killua uses his pointer finger to draw circles along Gon's wrist. The latter gives an appreciative smile.

Gon clears his throat before continuing. "Kite stayed with us. I got to show him Whale Island's forestry, at least the parts I knew. Mito called me the island's "little guide." Kite took the name literally and asked me to join him, even after he memorized part of the forest.

He taught me a lot of things and he even saved me once. Well, he thought he saved me. He didn't realize Kon and I were friends until he said so."

"Kon?" Killua asks for clarification.

"He's a foxbear. We've been friends since Ging left."

"You were friends with a foxbear?" Killua repeats, mouth gaping ever so slightly.

Gon chuckles. "Yeah! He was my first friend. Though, I don't think he'd immediately recognized me if I ever went back. The people that still write to me say he's doing okay as of now."

"Only you could befriend a fucking foxbear."

"I'm sure you could too if you tried."

"Nah. He'd hate me. I already know." Killua gives a small smile. While he still felt exhausted from the sudden panic attack, he was awake enough to comprehend Gon's story. "I'm sorry. Continue?"

"You don't have to apologize for making me smile," Gon reassures. Killua couldn't believe he had the energy to blush right now. "But yeah, as I was saying, Kite was an amazing person. He knew such much about Ging, and he would tell me stories of their adventures over the years. I don't know when it happened, but I started to see him as a father-figure. At least, that's what my therapist said, but I'm sure she's right. Kite was like the dad I never had."

Gon swallows and Killua notes the tightened grip. "And then the accident happened." Contrary to a few moments ago, Gon's eyes began to dull themselves as they did at the mall. "One day, we were roaming through the forest. I had just turned thirteen maybe two weeks ago. Kite wanted me to help him count the different types of flowers. So, I did.

If I listen hard enough, I can still hear the gunshot. I didn't know what the sound was at first, it's against the law to hunt on Whale Island. I don't remember much if I'm going to be honest. I saw Kite fall onto the ground with his journal. And there was..."

"Hey," Killua whispers a few moments after Gon pauses. "Hey, Gon?" He tries to bring him back to now. "It's okay, you don't have to say the rest, I understand—"

"No, you don't," Gon argues with a sad smile. "Because I did something really bad, Killua. And as ashamed as I am, I feel like you have to know. Please just...just listen?"

Killua nods his head and squeezes Gon's hand. _He's reliving a horrible past just to be honest with me and keep my mind off my nightmare. The least I could do is comfort._

"I blacked out after I saw the blood," he admits shamefully. "And no, I don't mean passed out. I _blacked_ out. When I came to, a man dressed in one of those neon orange vests hunters wear was laying on the ground, coated in bruises and blood. My knuckles hurt and my legs were killing me...but I kept hitting him. I think I knew Kite was dead before hurting the hunter. There's no way I would abandon Kite like that just to beat someone up.

Whoever that man was was already unconscious when I came to. It took two more of his friends to pull me off of him. A third one left to go get help. Like I said, I can't remember all of the details, but I can remember Kite's body just a few feet away from me. He died protecting a fox bear cub those hunters wanted." Gon clears his throat and wipes at his eyes with his free arm. "They took the hunter to a hospital on the mainland and I never saw him again. All I know is that he's still alive, but he suffered a lot of permanent damage because of me.

Even after I got my 'revenge' or whatever, I couldn't stop feeling so miserable. Everywhere I went reminded me of something Kite and I did together. I just stayed in my room for a while. Aunt Mito understood. She even tried to help me outside, but I just felt so miserable. I didn't want to live."

Gon lets go of Killua's hand to tug his shirt off. Killua, for once, didn't feel embarrassed because he knew what Gon was going to show him.

Sure enough, Gon points out the scar circling his bicep. Now that Killua could get a better look at it, he noticed it was jagged a frayed. _Like he took a knife to it..._

"It was another one of those seemingly important memories that I just didn't want to remember. One second there was a sharp pain and the next, I was waking up in a hospital bed with Aunt Migo crying beside me."

"You tried to kill yourself," Killua mumbles in realization. He scoots closer having forgone the comfortable position minutes ago. "Gon—"

"Yeah, I did," Gon admits before forcing a smile. No, not forced. He seemed genuinely happy at the moment. Killua knew the smile wasn't because of the suicide attempt. "I'm really grateful I failed. We moved six months later and I got to see your cute face for the first time."

Killua rolls his eyes. "Of course you manage to compliment me after spilling the most personal thing someone could say."

Gon shrugs with a smile. "Only for you." 

Killua looks him in the eye. "Do you still...?"

"No," Gon responds with a smile. "It's been a long while since I've felt that way."

"So when you found me on the bridge that night..."

"I was doing what I wanted someone to do for me," Gon admits. "I'm really glad you wanted to listen. Not just because I got the chance to meet you, but because you're here today." He grabs both of Killua's hands before pulling himself close enough to touch foreheads. "And I'm glad I got to fall for you, Killua."

Killua became easily aware of their close proximity. He became even more aware of Gon's shirtless self. Don't look, don't look, he just spilled his soul and you're gonna gawk over his body.

"This was a very elaborate and personal way to get you some brownie points," Killua whispers, not exactly sure what to say. It was common for him to deflect uncertainty with a quip.

"Like I said, only for you." Gon pulls away so he can pull his shirt back on. "Do you know how many times I almost broke our promise? Twelve."

"We've only been in school for three days," Killua reminds with a frown. "I thought he was off the team?"

"He is," Gon reassures, "but I have a class with him and I always see him in the hallway." He crosses his arms across his chest. "I was just saying that I still have issues I'm working on."

"That's crazy, so do I." Killua gives a teasing smirk. "But, you've been really helpful with that lately, haven't you?"

"I could say the same about you." Gon lets out a whimsical sigh. "Killua, you make me really happy."

 _And you've given me so many reasons to live._ Why was he taking his time with answering Gon? What was keeping him from saying yes? He likes Gon, a lot and Gon likes him.

 _Why go out with someone if there's still a chance you might leave them?_ Was that the reason? Was he still concerned he might take advantage of the pills hidden in his desk? Killua knew he couldn't say yes until he was sure. It wouldn't be fair to Gon.

"You make me happy too," Killua confesses. His teasing smirk had turned into a gentle smile.

The bell rings, indicating the end of study hall. Killua wouldn't see Gon for the rest of the day since they already had lunch.

"I'll text you during class," Gon promises, reaching for his bag.

"And I won't answer until afterward," Killua retorts. "You shouldn't be texting during class. You need to pay attention."

Gon pouts. "Yeah, but math is boring. You're not."

"Math is boring until you're not allowed to graduate without it," Killua points out. "Take notes today and I'll help you with it at lunch tomorrow."

"You're the best." Gon smiles. "Are you free Friday?"

"Friday night?" Gon nods his head. "I'll have to talk to Alluka, why?"

"I have my surprise planned. It can be whenever you're free, really. I just figured Friday would be better."

 _Already? Either there was next to no planning, or he'd been planning this for a while_. Killua had a feeling it was the latter.

"I'll let you know." Killua grabs Gon's jacket before offering it to him. "Here. Thanks for letting me borrow it."

"Keep it," Gon dismisses with a wave. Killua sighs, knowing the implications of wearing the jacket around the school. He didn't want him or Gon to be harassed by closed-minded idiots or by those who simply hate Killua.

"Don't be an idiot," Killua mumbles, shoving it against Gon. "This is yours. You wear it."

"Can't. I get too warm when I hang out with you. It lasts all day."

"Gon—"

"It's okay if you don't wear it," Gon reassures, "I just want you to keep it safe. Can you do that for me, Killua?"

_Of course, I can. I'd do anything for you. You know that, don't you?_

Killua scoffs. "It's just a jacket. It won't be hard."

"Good." Gon grins as he backs out of the room. "You've got two minutes until class starts. Don't wanna be late, right?"

Gon leaves Killua alone in the computer lab, making the pale teen sigh. How does he do that? How does he just spill the darkest parts of him and leave the room with a smile? Has he healed from that four years later?

No, he hasn't completely healed, not yet. Killua saw how he reacted in the mall. He's still got anger issues to work out. But Killua helped him last time, right? Maybe he can do it again, just like Gon is helping him now.

He was happy Gon opened up to him. Killua knew what he was doing. He wanted to spill his story so Killua would be comfortable to tell his one day. As much as Killua appreciated the effort, there was no way Gon would ever know what goes on when he's home.

Gon was never going to learn about Killua's relationship with his family. He was never going to learn his family's ruthless job. He was never going to learn about the bruises he received. He was never going to learn how badly they treated Alluka and Nanika.

No, Gon wouldn't learn anything about the darkest parts of Killua's life, lest he gets swept in it himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter summary: Killua has a panic attack due to a nightmare about his family. Gon tries to comfort him by talking about why he left Whale Island (Kite’s death, his anger issues leading him to permanently damaging a person, and a suicide attempt). 
> 
> anyway, note how I finally have a set amount of chapters. Which means, we are officially 3/5ths done with this story. 
> 
> as always, thank y’all for the support. can’t wait to see y’all next time ;)


	13. reason eleven: surprises with romantic connotations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no tw’s, just fluff :)

Alluka was more than happy to cover for Killua while he went out to "be surprised." When Gon picked him up from the bridge with his aunt's car, Killua was driven to the edge of the woods where Gon first showed him that beautiful scene. 

_Reason number four_ , Killua thinks to himself as the car slowed to a stop. The "surprise" was obvious since Gon lugged around a picnic basket, but Killua appreciated it anyway.

The two were hiking up the trail again. Killua was happy their pace was slowed compared to how it was when they first arrived.

The air was slightly warmer than it was when they were here weeks ago. It was still cold enough to wear an extra layer, but they didn't need gloves or hats.

"I'm sorry we couldn't do this earlier," Gon apologizes as they hike up the hill. "I really wanted to do this during the sunset instead of the dark, but it's okay! I brought candles." Killua gives a fond smile at the apology.

"It's okay, we've already seen the sunset here," Killua says as the sudden incline begins. Killua was anticipating the beautiful view. Sure, it's prettier during the daytime, but he found the nighttime gave the scenery a certain ambiance.

"We can go somewhere else if you're tired of here?" Gon offers and it takes Killua all he had not to laugh.

"Idiot," Killua insults, not sounding bitter in the least bit, "no. Here is perfect. I don't think I could ever get tired of it."

That brought a smile to Gon's face. Killua knew how much Gon valued this spot, the islander made that clear the last time they were here.

"So," Killua starts, as they continue hiking, "what's in the basket?"

"Killua!" Gon pouts, "it's supposed to be a surprise!"

"Might as well tell me." Killua scoffs. "It's not like I'm not about to see it in a few minutes anyway."

"Then you might as well wait a few minutes," Gon retorts with a teasing grin. Killua shoves him, nearly making the other topple over. Gon quickly catches his balance again before retaliating with a shove of his own.

Killua laughs as he's nearly shoved into a tree. Rather than ending it there, he does the childish thing and attempts to retaliate. Unfortunately for him, Gon dodges and Killua nearly falls over.

Killua lets out a yelp as Gon's arm wraps around his waist just after he loses his footing. Clutching onto Gon's arm like a lifeline, both boys managed to stop Killua from hitting the ground.

"Careful," Gon chides, looking down at Killua with a grin, "you almost made me drop the basket."

There was something about Gon's face that was just so calming, yet Killua's heartbeat quickens every time he looks too long. Eyes that Killua often compared to golden honey look at him with so much... _compassion_. Sometimes, Killua wasn't sure what to think.

"What could be in that basket that's worth more than me?" Killua pouts before crossing his arms.

Gon sets the basket down before wrapping both arms around Killua's middle and pulling him close. Killua's cheeks redden as their chests pressed against each other. Instinctively, Killua wraps his arms around Gon's neck. One of Gon's hands moves itself to Killua's upper back to keep him steady as he leans closer, lips barely brushing the shell of Killua's ear.

" _Nothing_ ," he simply whispers, and Killua nearly let go. Killua turns his head to face Gon again, only to stop once their cheeks touch. He couldn't tell if the blazing heat was from his blush or Gon's. Either way, he enjoyed the small hitch of breath Gon let out when he did that.

Gon pulls away just enough to look Killua in the eye. Their noses nearly touched. And despite the cold air, Killua felt so warm.

"Can I kiss you?" Gon whispers.

For some reason, it brings a smile to Killua's face. For once, he wasn't plagued by anxious or intrusive thoughts. He was here, with Gon, as he should be.

One of Killua's hands slides from behind Gon's neck to cup his cheek, and Gon practically leans into the touch. His eyes flutter just a little as if stopping himself from melting.

"Not yet," Killua whispers, making Gon pout just a little. Killua gives a teasing smile. "Gotta work for it, stud."

Killua stands upright, no longer depending on Gon to hold him. Gon grabs the basket off the ground before grabbing Killua's hand tightly.

"Challenge accepted," Gon acknowledges brightly before they continue the hike up the incline again. Just hearing that gave Killua butterflies. "Come on, we're almost at the top.”

True to his word, only a few more minutes passed before they made it to the top. Killua lets out a sigh at the sight again. Bare trees surrounded the lake, most of them close enough for a reflection. The moonlight illuminates the scene from behind the trees, allowing a few rays of light to reflect off the lake water.

"I never get used to it," Gon admits from beside him. Killua's shoulders sag, feeling contempt at the sight. "I can't wait to show you what it looks like in the spring."

"I can't wait to see it."

The two look at each other, only to laugh when they realized they did it at the same time. Gon lets go of Killua's hand to pull the blanket out of the basket. Killua couldn't tell the color, but he didn't care because it was soft. He helped Gon lay it out, surprised to see it was big enough to comfortably fit two teenage boys.

"Come, sit," Gon gestures excitedly, already taking a seat on one side. Killua sits across from him, just in time to see Gon put the basket in between them.

"Okay, so I wasn't sure if you ate dinner or not but I brought sandwiches just in case." Killua smiles at the gesture. He did not eat dinner because he was just a little too nervous about this. Gon pulls out a small Tupperware, but Killua couldn't tell what it is. A few more things were taken out of the basket, but the moonlight only helped so much.

Finally, a flame sparks not too far from Killua. The lighter reveals Gon's smiling self as he starts lighting the four large candles beside them. Killua was grateful it wasn't windy.

The picnic was illuminated, revealing at least three different types of sweets (all with chocolate, of course) and the small container of sandwiches.

Killua grins and it felt so genuine for once.

"Okay, so my mom helped me make this because I'm apparently not good at baking, so I'm sorry about that, but we made a lot of chocolate stuff because you really like chocolate, which by the way is _really_ bad for your health—"

"You're rambling," Killua teases.

"I'm rambling," Gon repeats before letting out a nervous chuckle. "Sorry, Killua. I just want this to be perfect for you."

"Well, you're doing great," Killua reassures, bringing a smile to Gon's face. "What'd you bring?"

"Oh!" Gon grabs a container before offering it to Killua. "Here's some cake!" Fuck yes! Killua internally cheers as he eagerly grabs it. Gon tosses him a fork, allowing Killua to enjoy the heavenly feeling that comes with eating chocolate.

"This is good," Killua mumbles after a second bite. "This is _really_ good."

Gon grins. "Really?"

"Fuck yeah," Killua mumbles between bites. Oh, sweet heavenly chocolate. "You and your mom created heaven."

"Okay, so when I said my mom helped me, it was more like the other way," Gon admits sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Well, you helped your mom create heaven." Killua puts the empty container down, smiling to himself as he licks the chocolate from his teeth.

"Here." Gon offers a water bottle which Killua gladly takes. He sips the water, making sure to get the chocolate off his teeth before he spoke again and looked like a doofus.

"What else did you bring?" Killua leans back on his palms before crossing his ankles. He's sure to not knock over a candle or lay his legs on the container. The position forced him to be just a little closer to Gon, which neither of them minded.

"I'm glad I brought more." Gon chuckles. He hands another container. "Aunt Mito said she'd make some cookies in case you already had dinner."

"Your mother is an angel," Killua compliments, easily taking the other container. Gon reached for a sandwich.

"Do you wanna meet her?" Killua pauses, fingers digging into the container's side as he struggles to open the container. Gon's cheeks redden at the reaction. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"

"I'd really like that," Killua interrupts. He could only imagine how kind she must be to have raised a boy like Gon.

Gon grins. "Really? Alright! We can do it sometime soon! Do you think Alluka would want to meet her too? I know Aunt Mito's been dying to meet you two. She thinks you're a good influence on me for school."

"You talk about me?" Killua realizes.

"Of course I do, Killua! Why wouldn't I? You're too amazing to not talk about!"

That made Killua's cheeks burn. "You're so embarrassing sometimes, you know that, right?"

"You're the only one who thinks so." Gon grins as Killua takes a bite of a cookie.

"The hell I am! Kurpaika and Leorio may adore you, but you've publicly embarrassed them plenty of times!"

"Maybe, but they still love me afterward, so it's okay." Killua's cheeks felt really hot and he had half a mind to blame it on the candles (despite them producing next to no heat).

Killua takes another bite of his cookie before changing the subject. "I'm making your mom's cooking reason eleven," he declares, waving the cookie around.

"Reason eleven?" Gon muses, "I didn't know we made it that far."

Killua frowns. "What do you mean you didn't know we made it that far? You're the one who started the whole reason thing."

"Yeah, but I haven't given you a reason since the party," Gon reminds with a smile. "I was gonna make our shopping trip number six, but you had already considered it number eight."

_He stopped giving reasons?_

Killua pauses for a few moments. "You mean...you gave up?"

Gon's eyes widened before he quickly crawls over to Killua. "No! No, of course not, Killua!" He argues before kneeling right beside him. "I'd never give up on you." He slumps his shoulders. "I'm sorry, I didn't explain it well enough." Gon looks down at him since his position made him just a little taller. "I meant...you started doing this by yourself. You managed to find all these reasons without having me point them out for you. I'm so proud of you, Killua."

"So...I've been making up reasons for a majority of our time spent together..." Killua realizes. Have I really? His mind goes back to the last time he heard Gon explicitly state a reason, but the latest was when they were at the party. "Oh, fuck."

"Why are you cursing?" Gon asks, "it's not a bad thing. In fact, it's a great thing, Killua." His hand finds Killua's cheek and gently moves Killua's head to face him. "You're healing."

"Gon..." Killua trails off, all thoughts were forgotten as he's once again mesmerized by the bright grin. His eyes trail from Gon's eyes to the candle Gon managed to knockdown. "Candle."

Gon frowns in confusion before looking in the direction's pointed. "Ah!" He lets out, scrambling to scoot over so he can grab it before anything catches fire.

Killua didn't notice Gon was partially straddling him until the candle was tilted upright. "Aw," Gon pouts, "I got wax on the blanket."

"Wax can be cleaned, fire can not," Killua reminds with an amused grin.

"Yeah, but what if the wax changes the feel of the blanket?"

"That doesn't make sense," Killua sighs, looking up at Gon. "Once you get the wax off, it'll feel the same. Unless you've got shitty detergent."

Killua's legs were tingling now that Gon's weight was almost complete on him. It made the pale teen look down to be sure. Gon's gaze followed his, noting how his legs are on either side of Killua's.

"Shit, I'm sorry," Gon curses, about to go back to his original spot. Killua didn't know he put his palm on Gon's back and pulled him closer until Gon's face was inches from his.

"It's okay," Killua says softly, cheeks blazing red. He liked seeing the pink dusting Gon's cheeks. So many freckles, Killua admires before looking into the honey-amber eyes. "I don't mind if you don't."

Gon shakes his head. "I don't." Gon's eyes look more downward. Killua thought it was because Gon was momentarily taller, but he quickly realized it was because Gon's gaze was on his lips.

 _Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck_ , Killua nervously thought as the two continued to stare at each other. He's gonna ask again and we might end up kissing and—

Why the hell was he so nervous all of the sudden? He wasn't nervous maybe twenty minutes ago when Gon asked to kiss him then. Did he know he was gonna wait?

"I've never..." Killua trails off, gaining Gon's attention again.

Gon tilts his head with a reassuring smile. "We don't have to—"

"I want to," Killua interrupts before looking down at the blanket. "I was just warning you...or whatever."

Gon chuckles before using two fingers to tilt Killua's head toward him again. "Killua, look at me." Killua takes a few seconds before looking into his eyes. "Relax?"

Killua lets out a nervous breath before giving a small smile. "'M sorry."

"Don't be," Gon smiles. He allows his thumb to caress Killua's cheekbone. _That feels nice_. "Killua?" 

"Yeah?" Killua mumbles, absentmindedly leaning into Gon's hand.

"Can I kiss you?"

Killua's eyes flicker up, seeing nothing but compassion and genuine kindness in Gon's eyes. _How am I so lucky?_

"Yeah." Gon smiles before moving his hand from Killua's cheek to behind Killua's neck. Killua wraps his arms around Gon's waist. It just felt right.

"Relax," Gon instructs, "and close your eyes." Killua nods before obliging. For a few silent moments, Killua felt nothing but approaching warmth.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fu—_

And then Gon's chapped lips were gently pressing against his. It lasted a couple of respectful seconds before Gon pulled away.

Both of them open their eyes, making eye contact as Gon rests his forehead against Killua’s. Gon opens his mouth to say something, but Killua doesn’t let him.

Grabbing the back of Gon’s neck, he pulls Gon close again and does his best to kiss Gon the way he wanted to. Running fingers through Gon’s hair, Killua was pleasantly surprised to feel Gon deepen the kiss. Gon took control again, which Killua’s inexperienced self did not mind. Gon’s kisses were so fevered, it made it hard to keep up. He nearly melts when Gon runs his fingers through his hair.

_This...this is nice._

Gon’s weight shifted, moving forward and Killua slowly falls backward. When his back meets the blanket, Gon’s hands are lowered to his waist, which felt really good, but Killua’s eyes widen in surprise anyway. He pulls away just a little, enough to silently stop Gon.

“Sorry,” Gon huffs out, lips red and slightly swollen. Killua could only imagine how his lips looked compared to his pale ass skin. “Too much?”

“It’s okay,” Killua breathes out, feeling winded of all things. “I’m just...”

“It’s okay,” Gon lets out before grinning. “It’s okay, we can take it slow. I’m sorry I rushed—”

“Don’t apologize,” Killua reassures, “I’m the one who wanted more.” He grins up at Gon before poking him in the side. “Move, idiot, you’re heavy.”

Gon pouts. “I’m not even laying on you,” he whines. He reluctantly turns over, laying on his back so he can press his side against Killua. With Gon out of the way, Killua had a perfect view of the stars above. “Look how pretty they are.”

Killua nods his head in agreement. “They’re really pretty.” He smiles to himself as Gon lays his head against his shoulder.

“Now that we’ve uh...”

“Kissed?” Killua offers, cheeks burning at the thought.

Gon nods his head. “Does this mean you want to...”

Killua turns his head away from the stars to look at Gon. “I’d like to, if the offer’s still on the table.”

Gon grins again before snuggling against Killua. “Does that mean I can kiss you all the time? Because I love seeing your face after I kiss you.”

“Gon—”

“You’re so red and warm and it’s kinda cute—”

“Gon,” Killua groans out, using his arm to hide his face. “Please, stop.”

“Why?” Gon giggles like a fucking school girl. Killua can’t help but smile as lips are pressed against his warm cheek. “It’s not like anyone’s here to listen.”

“I am,” Killua groans.

“Yeah, but you’re supposed to.” Gon offers his hand for Killua to hold, which the latter greatly accepts. “I’m...I'm really glad you want this too. You do want this right? Like, you don’t feel forced—”

Killua interrupts once Gon’s grip tightens. “I want this,” Killua says with a fond smile. “I want this.” He squeezes Gon’s hand in reassurance. “I want you.”

_That felt really nice to say._

Yeah, this felt right. Killua hated that he doubted it in the first place. He hated that he doubted Gon. Gon wouldn’t lie to him, especially about this.

“I want you more,” Gon teases.

“Yeah.”

“ _Killua_!” Gon whines as Killua snickers to himself. “That was mean.”

“You’re acting like that’s not the reason you’re so infatuated with me.”

“It’s one of the reasons,” Gon corrects. “I can tell you the others! Killua is very compassionate and handsome and—”

“Shut up!” Killua argues, looking away from Gon out of embarrassment.

“Killua look at me! I wanna see your eyes!”

The two spent the rest of the date teasing each other. Gon would compliment the shit out of Killua and Killua would try to dodge them with sarcasm and aggression.

Neither of them would have wanted it any other way.

  
————

When Gon dropped Killua off at the bridge, it took time for him to finally let Killua go.

“Gon,” Killua argues as weakly shoves Gon’s off his waist. “Come on, I gotta go before my parents notice I’m gone.”

“Please? Just one more?!” Gon pleads, “I promise I’ll let you go afterward.”

“You said that last time,” Killua argues as Gon manages to wrap his arms around Killua again. “Gon, come on, I’ve been gone for hours.”

“But every date has to end with a kiss!” Gon pouts.

“You’ve ended it with, like, ten!”

“It was only three!”

“One more?” Killua huffs out to be sure. “Just one more and you’ll let me go?” Gon nods his head a little too aggressively. “Do I have to make you promise?” He shakes his head. “Fine. One more.”

“Thank you, Killua,” Gon grins before putting a hand behind Killua’s neck and pulling him close. Killua smiles against Gon’s lips as the latter tries to make it last as long as he can.

“Mmm—” Killua tries to pull away, but Gon refuses. Killua rolls his eyes before aggressively stomping on Gon’s foot, making the other finally pull away with a whine.

“I’ll see you soon,” Killua promises before kissing the shorter one’s forehead. He starts jogging away before Gon can grab him again.

“Bye, Killua!” Gon says just a little too loudly. “I’ll miss you!”

Idiot, Killua fondly thinks to himself as he hikes up the small trail that leads to the side of the mansion.

Killua felt truly happy for the first time in a long while. His friend liked him in a way Killua had never experienced before. It was new, it was exciting, it was...holy fuck he was gonna mess this up somehow wasn’t he?

_No, I can’t mess this up. If I lost Gon there’d be no one else that wants me. I wouldn’t be able to handle that._

Don’t be an idiot, Killua. He wants you, he literally said it. Don’t doubt him now. He likes you, and you like him. You both want each other. They’ll be okay.

Killua nearly ran into the tree that leads to his room. It takes a few moments to climb the tree, mainly because Killua felt so giddy at the lingering thoughts of their date.

He opens his window, keeping himself steady on the branch as he tries to keep quiet. He makes the small leap, glad he didn’t hit his head this time, before sliding into his room.

The lights flicker on, making Killua’s stomach drop as his eyes struggle to adjust to the sudden intrusion. He lets out a groan before opening his eyes again.

The sight of Illumi sitting upright on his bed made him freeze.

“Did you enjoy your time out, Little Brother?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY THEY KISS KISS  
> if you couldn’t tell, I had no idea what to write after they kissed lmao   
> but bad ending yikes


	14. there is no warmth without the cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s like that other chapter without a reason. lots of warnings, I will provide a summary in the end. 
> 
> TW: Illumi’s manipulation   
>  Brief descriptions of blood, lacerations, torture, Zoldyck family abuse.   
>  Thoughts/Mentions of suicide 
> 
> This entire chapter is basically a trigger warning, so I don’t have specific markers for them. I’m sorry if this hurts anyone. It will be the last chapter without anything positive, I promise.

"Did you enjoy your time out, Little Brother?"

Killua's heart was racing fast enough to hurt his chest. Illumi was sitting so casually on his bed with a half-read book in his lap.

 _I think I'm gonna puke_ , he thinks to himself as his stomach churns uncomfortably.

Illumi looks up from his book, that blank look of his turning into a sickly sweet smile. He closes the book before putting it on Killua's nightstand. "Come," he gestures to the spot beside him, "sit. You look like you might faint."

 _Do what he says_ , the more rational part argues whilst the rebellious part wants him to tell Illumi to shove it.

But he was in trouble, right now. Illumi held his fate, so for now, he'd have to play along.

Illumi pats the spot beside him again, beckoning Killua over. Killua closes the window behind him, shutting himself away from the outside, before awkwardly sitting beside Illumi. He clasps his hands in his lap, not bothering to look up as Illumi lets out a sigh.

"So," Illumi begins, "tell me about this Gon Freecs."

Killua looks up at Illumi, who hadn't taken his eyes of Killua, with wide eyes. No, he thinks, not him."What about him, Big Brother?"

"Well for one, I didn't know you were foolish enough to entangle your life with his." His sick smile made Killua's stomach-churning slightly worse. "Is he the boy you've been sneaking out for?"

Killua opens his mouth, about to say the first lie that popped in his head. If Illumi believed Gon to be a distraction, who knows what would happen? Memories of the warehouse appear at the thought. He'd protect Gon, no matter the cost right now.

"Don't bother lying, Kill," Illumi interrupts before Killua could squeak a word out. "You're better than that."

Killua snaps his mouth shut before clearing his throat. Has Illumi blinked since Killua came back? "How did you know?" He asks instead.

Illumi's sick smile transforms to what Killua would guess to be bored. "Our little brother and the butlers could only hide your indiscretions for so long," Illumi answers. Killua raises a brow, surprised Illumi provided an answer.

"Alluka's a girl," Killua argues weakly with furrowed brows. A dark thought makes his way into his head. "Did you hurt them?"

Illumi sighs. "Canary's being punished as we speak. You'll receive yours tomorrow. As for it, that'll be discussed with father."

" _She_ ," Killua hisses out. His eyes began to sting. _No, don't cry. Not now. Not in front of Illumi, it'll only make everything worse_.

Illumi tilts his head. "Are you done, yet? I'm still waiting for an answer to my question." _What was the question again?_ Killua's mind was panicking too much to form multiple coherent thoughts. "Is Gon Freecs the boy you've been sneaking out for?"

Killua couldn't think of a believable lie. He couldn't think of the correct thing to say because no matter what it would be wrong in Illumi's opinion.

"He is," Illumi realizes. "Oh, Killua," he tsks. Killua flinches as Illumi's arm extends behind him. He squeezes his eyes shut, waiting for whatever pain may come, only to tense at the reassuring pat on his back. "I'm sorry you're going through this."

 _What the fuck is going on?_ Killua's thought formed so quickly, he wasn't sure if he thought it. Illumi's hand, long and slender like Killua's, pulls Killua close to his side before gently patting his shoulder.

"What..." Killua manages to mumble out in his confusion. Illumi doesn't comfort people. Illumi doesn't pity. Illumi doesn't apologize. He doesn't do any of those things for normal people, and he certainly doesn't do those for his brother.

"I'm sorry you were foolish enough to fall for a person like him."

Killua looks up at his brother, not bothering to hide his confusion. _What was going on?_

As if reading Killua's mind, Illumi grabs something crinkly off of Killua's nightstand. He manages to unfold the notebook paper before placing it in Killua's lap for the younger one to look at.

_Reasons_

the paper glares at him as his heart drops to his stomach. All of the reasons were written down, except the eleventh, in his neat, legible handwriting.

"What..." Killua mumbles out again before clearing his throat a second time. "What does this have to do with your pity?"

Illumi gives a quick smile. "We connect the evidence after it's presented, remember?" He grabs something else off of Killua's nightstand. The movement causes the medication to create a loud noise that Killua regretfully recognizes. Illumi puts the orange pill bottle in Killua's lap, making Killua's eyes widen.

_No, no, no, no, no_

"I have a theory," Illumi begins. Killua couldn't force himself to look at ‘Big Brother.' "Well, it's less of a theory and more of a...truth, I suppose. Would you like to hear it, Kill?"

Killua shakes his head and even tries to get off the bed and away from Illumi, but the latter stops him by tightening his grip. Illumi pulls Killua close in a victorious attempt to keep Killua still.

Why is he doing this? Why not just get straight to the point like always? It was so unlike Illumi to turn facts into stories.

"You've tried to kill yourself," Illumi declares unapologetically. "Somehow, I assume during one of your outings, Gon Freecs showed up and had you write down reasons to live—"

_Shut up, shut up, shut up_

"—and managed to trap you in a romantic relationship."

Killua tenses for a few moments before relaxing. He could feel himself shake as he forced a small smile before looking up at Illumi again. "You're wrong. Gon frees me."

"No," Illumi argues calmly, "his actions are meant for you to _think_ that. Perhaps he doesn't know he's trapped you..."

Killua shakes his head before gripping the notebook paper a little too tightly. "You don't know what you're talking about, Illumi."

The use of his name makes Illumi look down at Killua with unamused eyes. He hated being called that by Killua.

"What does he say when he takes you to places 'only he knows about?'" Illumi prods. Killua's smile starts to fall. "Does he talk about how much he cares about you even when he's the one that got hurt? Does he talk about how pretty you are when the two of you are huddled in the corner library? How many dark secrets has he revealed in the computer lab?"

Killua's eyes widen. Illumi shouldn't know that. No one but him should know that.

"How did you—"

"My duty is to raise you to be the perfect heir. It's important to keep tabs on you when I'm not there."

"You have people spying on me?"

"Is that really what you want to be talking about, Kill?" Illumi retorts.

"I'd rather not talk about anything," Killua snaps out, aiming his glare at Illumi. "Besides, your invasion of my privacy only proves that Gon likes me."

"I have no doubt the boy likes you," Illumi agrees, "just as I know you like him. What I'm saying, Killua, is that boy will be your doom if you continue this."

"We're happy together," Killua argues with furrowed brows. "I figured you'd want me to not be suicidal."

"Love doesn't heal everything, Killua. In your case, it'll only make it worse."

"You keep saying that, but you haven't provided any evidence to back it up." Killua shifts uncomfortably, bracing himself for what might come.

Illumi's hand gives another reassuring pat of pity. Killua hated how he could see Illumi's complete face due to the low ponytail he has his hair in.

"The only reason your relationship ship exists is to keep the two of you from killing yourselves."

Killua's heart felt like it got punched. Why does it hurt to hear that? He's not taking Illumi seriously, is he?

At the lack of objection, Illumi continues. "The two of you depend on each other for happiness."

"I made my own reasons," Killua argues, looking down at the piece of paper again. I've made my own for weeks now.

"How many of those didn't involve him?"

Killua opens his mouth, ready to argue, only to stop himself once he thought it through. All of these involved Gon in one way or another.

_Do I really depend on him for happiness?_

No, their relationship, albeit new, was fine. Sure, it had a rocky start, but that's normal, right? Meeting the one you care for under abnormal circumstances? It's why people went through the whole ordeal of telling people how they met.

"Gon doesn't define my happiness," Killua finally answers.

"You will get your chance to prove it." Killua looks at Illumi in confusion. "This family won't lose its heir to a heartbroken suicide."

"I wanted to kill myself before I met Gon, remember?" Killua spats bitterly.

"And I'm sorry I didn't notice it before," Illumi says. Killua doesn't bother hiding his surprise. "We could've led you to the right path before this whole mess complicated things."

Typical. Killua should've known better than to think Illumi cared about his well-being for reasons that didn't involve the firm.

_Besides, it's not Gon's fault I wanted to kill myself...but he is the reason I didn't. What if Illumi's right? What if we've only been together to subconsciously stop each other from killing ourselves?_

No, there's a genuine connection. He and Gon have both felt it.

_Maybe that's just what we wanted to feel..._

Illumi waited patiently as Killua began to get lost in his thoughts. He knew Killua would come to the conclusion he offered, no matter how reluctant.

He knew he was victorious when Killua looked up at him with watery eyes.

"It hurts to know the truth," Illumi says, "but it's better than blissful ignorance." Killua struggles to hold back his tears. His eyes began to sting. He clenches his fists, it seeming a less weak alternative than crying. "You can cry," Illumi allows softly, "if you let it out now, it won't hold you back in the future."

He didn't give himself time to think it over before a tear slides down his cheek. Illumi tsks before pulling Killua to his side. Wanting some type of comfort or warmth, Killua allows himself to indulge in the rare brotherly affection.

"Do you blame yourself?" Illumi questions curiously as Killua sniffles. "You should. This is all because of you."

Killua nods in agreement, another tear sliding down his reddened cheek. "It is. Please don't hurt him," Killua pleads hoarsely as Illumi's hand moves from his shoulder to his head. It didn't feel nice like it does when Gon does it. "I'll take my punishment without complaint, I deserve it. Just please...don't do anything to him."

"If you wish," Illumi sighs beside him. Killua clutches onto Illumi, saving himself from drowning in his sorrows.

"I'll take Canary and Alluka's too," Killua offers, desperate to keep the pain for himself. "Please, Big Brother, it's all my fault."

 _Please_ , Killua wanted to beg more, _I deserve the pain. They don't._

"I can't grant that," Illumi denies, making Killua's eyes widen just a bit. "Canary failed her job. Her punishment is for her actions."

"Please don't punish Alluka or Nanika," Killua pleads, looking up at Illumi. He knew no matter what emotion he was showing, it wouldn't change Illumi's mind, but he had to try.

"We've never physically hurt it," Illumi dismisses. "But, Father and I have been discussing an alternative." Slender fingers run soothingly through Killua's white tangles. "Perhaps it's time for Alluka to spend some time away from the mansion."

What? No, she can't. If Killua had to lose her too, there's no telling what he would do. The thought of losing both of them made his throat tighten.

"No," Killua argues, but it comes out as a pleading whisper rather than a strong snap. "I-I'll do whatever you want. Always. That's what you want, right? I'll become the heir, I won't run away anymore, just please don't send her away—"

"It's your weak link," Illumi interrupts, "and you know better than to allow your weakness to be so close." Killua's grip around Illumi's tightens in fear. "Father and I haven't agreed to anything as of yet. It will be further discussed when he comes home tomorrow. He's already been made aware of your situation."

Killua accidentally lets out a choked sob.

"But perhaps," Illumi continues, running his hand through Killua's hair, "I can make the situation more comfortable. Would you like that?"

Killua foolishly mistook the manipulation for pity or affection.

"You will?" If anyone else were in the room, they would hear the pained relief. But it was just Illumi, and emotion never made a difference.

"Of course," Illumi soothes. "My job is to do right by you. I do what I think will best motivate you."

There was no lie, but there was something off. Killua was too sorrowed to notice.  
  


————

It hurt.

His back, that is.

Killua couldn't remember the last time his back had been as bloody and pained as it is now. The family hadn't been this angry with him in a long time.

 _When was the last time they lashed me like this?_ Killua thought to himself the next night after part of the punishment was dealt. He couldn't tell how old the old scars were, mainly because he refused to look at his back for the longest time. He supposed it doesn't matter since new ones either joined or clashed with the old ones.

"This is going to sting, Master Killua," Gotoh's soothing voice warned.

Killua nodded, not bothering to correct Gotoh on how he wanted to be addressed.

 _Twelve_. The number pops into Killua's head. He was confused with its significance for a small moment, only to realize that was the last time his family took his punishment in their hands.

How could he forget? Milluki's pig-like snort of a laugh practically haunted him for months. Milluki got to release some pent-up anger on the favorite child twice now, once when Killua was twelve and yesterday.

Killua almost laughs to himself. _That sadistic pig has been waiting for me to slip up, hasn't he?_

His back was both warm and cold. Unmarred skin was cold due to the exposure, but the skin surrounding open wounds burned hot.

A liquid temporarily cools the wounds for a few moments before burning red hot. Killua lets out a hiss, burying his face in his pillow as the disinfectant does its job.

"My apologies, Master Killua," Gotoh apologizes.

"It's okay," Killua mumbles, slowly lifting his head, "it's my fault anyway."

He was lying face down on his bed, having just finished part of his punishment maybe ten minutes ago. His wrists, lined with aching red skin, ached from being bound to the wall. His forehead was coated with sweat, and his throat was sore from crying out in pain like Milluki wanted, but he didn't allow a single tear to fall.

True to his word, Killua accepted his punishment without protest.

Bruises decorated the front of his torso while lacerations decorated the back. Killua knew it would happen again tomorrow, Milluki made that clear.

The only thing that wasn't made clear was Alluka's punishment. Silva was supposed to return today, but he hadn't made the effort to lecture Killua. Hell, he didn't even make the effort to _see_ Killua.

"Is Canary okay?" Killua asks, looking up at the spectacled butler. Gotoh's face remains stoic as he remains silent. _Classified information_ , for now, Killua realizes. "Please," Killua pleads, "I just need to know if she's okay. You don't have to give me any details."

Gotoh remains silent for a few moments, making Killua think he'd lost Gotoh too, but the answer came quietly. "She'll be okay."

 _Good_. That's enough to go off of. Canary will be okay, she won't be too damaged. He doubts Canary would ever want to help him again, and he was okay with that. As long as Canary was alive and moving, he would take the silent treatment or even hatred from her.

Killua nods his head.

"Come, Master Killua," Gotoh beckons, "I can't apply bandages until you shower."

If he showered, that would only make the wounds sting. Killua didn't want to feel any more pain today. His back had already gone numb. He wouldn't mind laying here like this for the rest of the night.

But Gotoh's right. If he doesn't clean his back with soap and water, the disinfectant would be fighting alone. Who knows how much that would help?

 _Leorio would_. The thought of the aspiring doctor surprised Killua, though it shouldn't. Leorio was able to recognize the abuse during their first sober meeting. _Would he be able to see this too?_ Killua wondered.

"Right," Killua agrees but makes no move to get up. _It'll only hurt for a couple of seconds_ , he reasons, _just get up, shower quickly, let Gotoh bandage you up_.

And then repeat the process tomorrow...

"Would you like help, Master Killua?"

"No," Killua answers immediately. "Just...give me a few seconds. I'm comfortable here." Killua turns his head away from Gotoh, closing his eyes.

"Master Killua, I can't allow you to sleep without properly cleaning your wounds."

"I'll be okay," Killua mumbles. "Has my father made a decision about Alluka, yet?"

"I'm not allowed to say."

Killua lifts his head just a little. "So she's being sent away then." The thought of not getting to see his sister so often disheartens him. He clenches the pillow.

He could escape with her tonight and start their journey to rescue Nanika tomorrow morning.

_Don't be an idiot. It'll only be worse if we get caught. Besides, Illumi promised she'd be okay, right? Shouldn't we trust Illumi?_

Trust Illumi...such a foreign concept. Killua never trusted his older brother before, why did it change?

_Because he was right about me and Gon. We were doomed from the start. Illumi's helping me help Alluka. I do what I was destined to do and she lives comfortably._

Killua didn't want to trust Illumi if he were being honest, but Illumi provided a solid argument last night. It would've ended like this anyway.

_That's right, it would've. Don't bother fighting it anymore, I've got my sisters to worry about._

And Gon?

_Illumi said he wouldn't hurt him, I just have to trust him with that. Besides, it's healthier if we broke up, right? For the both of us? Illumi said it was._

"Do you know how long she's got?"

"I'm afraid that is also classified information for the time being." Killua turns his head but says nothing as Gotoh raises a finger.

_One day? No, too soon. One week._

Killua nods in acknowledgment before forcing himself to push off the bed. He lets out a groan as he stands to his feet.

"To the shower," Killua declares, letting out a tired huff. Before Gotoh could offer assistance, loud tapping forces the two to look at Killua's window.

Killua frowns in confusion as silence follows. _Maybe I imagined it_ , he thinks to himself. _But didn't Gotoh hear it too?_

Something taps on the window again, quickly followed by a soft, "Killua?"

 _Oh fuck_ , Killua curses at the sound of Gon's voice.

"Killua, are you there?" Gon's voice questions.

Of course the idiot came here. Killua almost smiled.

"Go away," Killua forces himself to say. The window starts to open, causing Killua to panic.

 _Shirt, shirt, I need a shirt_ , he searches his room, grabbing a folded blanket instead. He manages to cover his front half as Gon ungracefully falls through the window with an _oof_!

Gon sits up, rubbing his forehead before making eye contact with Killua. His expression brightens. "Killua!" He cries out, scrambling to his feet.

Gotoh extends an arm, catching the enthusiastic boy before he could tackle Killua. Gon looks at Gotoh in confusion before looking back at Killua.

Gon's gaze lowers to the blanket covering Killua's front half. Killua fidgets, hoping everything's covered enough.

"Your wrists," Gon points out, staring at the deep red lines. He's going to find out, Killua thinks. Killua wasn't sure if he could breathe. "Killua, your wrists—"

"Gotoh, could we have a few minutes?" Killua pleads, looking up at the butler. "I promise, I'll get him out as soon as possible."

"Take all the time you need, Master Killua," Gotoh promises with a sad smile. Killua almost cried in relief. "I'll keep watch."

When Gotoh steps out of Killua's room, Gon takes the steps needed to reach Killua. Killua, shamefully, winces as Gon gently grabs his bruised forearm to inspect his wrist. Killua tightens his grip around the blanket covering his torso.

 _Don't let him see your back_ , Killua tells himself, _he won't be able to handle that._

"Killua, you're hurt," he points out. It managed to sound so _broken_ , Killua's heart nearly split. Gon's honey-amber eyes scan the forearm, noticing the bruises. Some of them were in the vague shape of a hand while the darker ones were like splotches. Gon's focus was on the yellow and green ones that had been healing. "Some of these are old," he notes, gently tracing them with a finger.

Killua pulls the blanket closer to his chest if possible. The action doesn't escape Gon's sight. "Killua, move the blanket," he commands softly.

Killua quickly shakes his head, face burning in shame of what's to come. _Please don't let him see my back,_ is all Killua pleads for, _please don't let him see._

"Killua," Gon chokes out, and Killua could already see the tears forming. " _Please_."

Who was Killua to resist Gon?

His grip around the blanket loosens, allowing the soft material to fall to the floor. Gon's eyes scan his bare torso, taking in every bruise and mark that's been made. Killua doesn't take his eyes off of Gon until the latter makes eye contact. Just before he looked away, he saw the hardened look in Gon's eyes.

"Who did this?" Gon demanded, sounding eerily familiar with how he did in the mall last weekend. Killua dares to look up, watching fists clench and eyes begin to cloud over.

"It's okay," Killua reassures, trying to give a reassuring smile. "I'm okay—"

"You're _bruised_ ," Gon interrupts, making Killua flinch at the harsh tone. "You've been hurt."

"Gon, you need to leave," Killua pleads, wanting to reach for the blanket again. "If my brother catches you here, he'll—"

"He'll hurt you?" Gon guesses, brows furrowed. "So he's the one doing this, right? Who else?"

"Gon, please—"

"Is it your family too? Is that why you hate them so much?" He keeps going, not taking his eyes off Killua. "Please, just tell me," he pleads. Gon slowly reaches for Killua's hands, letting the pale teen know he won't hurt him.

Killua's back began to stung when Gon lifted their intertwined hands, but he ignored it.

 _What am I doing?_ Killua wonders as Gon looks him dead in the eye. _Why am I still going along with this? We aren't supposed to be doing this. Illumi said it was unhealthy._

But being _touched_ by Gon felt so right.

"Gon..." Killua trails off, not sure how to turn his thoughts into words. He gives up on trying and instead decides to plea one last time. "Please leave. I don't want them hurting you too."

Gon's eyes widen before immediately narrowing. "I'm going to kill them," he decides, grip tightening around Killua's hands. Killua winces, but Gon didn't seem to notice.

Just like in the mall last weekend, Gon's surrounding aura began to suffocate Killua. Killua wasn't sure what to do or what to say because the tension had become so murderous.

"Gon, wait," Killua demands, trying to squeeze Gon's hands.

Gon ignores him and instead drops their hands, already heading toward the door. He'll end up dying if he messes with them, Killua thinks frantically.

Killua manages to place himself between Gon and the door, putting hands on Gon's chest to at least try to push him away. Every movement hurt, but Killua had to do whatever it took to keep Gon quiet.

"Gon _stop_!" Killua hisses, trying to keep his back from touching the door. Unfortunately, Gon was much stronger than Killua at the moment. Hot searing pain shot through the wounds once they're practically slammed against the door, causing Killua to cry out.

God, it hurt.

Unintentional tears stung Killua's eyes from the surprise pain. "Killua?" Gon calls out worriedly as Killua leans his head against Gon's shoulder. "Killua? What's—"

Gon interrupts himself with a shaky gasp, altering Killua there's no point in hiding his back anymore. Gon could see it, clear as day, as Killua restrained from saying anything else. Instead, Killua enjoyed being this close to Gon. He smelled like rain.

"Killua..." Gon gasped out as Killua leaned against him. Killua's face was red with shame, not sure how it could get any worse. Gon's hands reached to hold him, to keep him from falling over, but they remained hovering at Killua's sides. "What did they do to you?"

"It's okay," Killua tries to mumble reassuringly. The energy he gained from Gon's arrival was quickly depleting. All he wanted to do was sleep right now. "I'm alright."

"No, you're not," Gon practically growls. Killua could feel that suffocating tension again and knew he would have to stop it soon. "You're bleeding."

"Gotoh was fixing it before you jumped through my window," Killua tries to joke before lifting his head. "You didn't break the branch, did you? It's gonna be hard to leave if you did."

"Leave?" Gon demands with furrowed brows. "Why do you want me to leave so badly? I can't just pretend this isn't happening."

"Well, you have to," Killua snaps, trying to shove Gon toward the window. Killua's shoulders ache in protest, yet Gon doesn't move an inch.

"They hurt you, Killua," Gon snaps way too loudly, looking back at the door.

"And they'll do it to both of us if you don't shut up," Killua snaps back, keeping his voice low. He could feel Gon's chest rise and fall at a rapid pace, which meant he was calming down. "I need you to get out of here."

Gon shakes his head. "I can't leave you here with them."

"You'll have to." He'll be damned if he allowed Gon to get hurt. Illumi will only go so far as to respect Killua's wish. "I will see you and be fine on Monday, alright?"

"No," Gon argues determinedly, grabbing Killua's hand, "not without you."

Killua shakes his head. "I can't leave Alluka here." And I can't go with you because I might neglect how unhealthy our relationship is.

"We'll take her too."

"I can't," Killua argues. Why won't he get it? "She's in the basement. We're on the second floor. There's no way I could get her without alerting anyone."

"Then we come back for her."

"They're sending her away in a week. That's plenty of time to do something horrible when they find out I'm gone."

Gon stares at Killua desperately, trying to think of a solution that'll help everyone. Killua squeezes his friend's hand in reassurance, making Gon make eye contact. "Will they do it again tomorrow?"

"No," Killua lies. Gon deflates, knowing it's a lie. Killua sighs at the pointed look. "Maybe."

"I can't let that happen."

"And I can't let them hurt Alluka," Killua retorts. "They won't physically hurt her, but they'll keep her in that basement until it's time to send her away. Or worse, send her away the moment they realize I'm gone." Killua sighs. Now they were just circling back around the same conversation. "Look," he starts again, "there's not gonna be a solution to this except you leaving me here."

"But..." Gon trailed off helplessly, struggling to think of a good solution. "There's got to be a way—"

"There isn't," Killua snaps, trying to get his point across. He manages to lead Gon to his window again, getting ready to shove the boy out if he has to. "Climb out the window."

Gon doesn't attempt to climb out the window per Killua's demands. Instead, he stares up at Killua, clearly pained to leave the teen alone with his family. Killua saw no pity as expected, and instead noted the pained look in Gon's eyes.

 _We'll manage fine without each other for another day,_ Killua reassures himself, _even if we do subconsciously rely on each other._

Killua forces himself to smile for Gon before cupping Gon's face. He pulls Gon closer, giving Gon a quick kiss before resting his forehead's on Gon's.

"I'll be okay," he whispers, "I promise, I won't kill myself."

Gon's brows furrowed. "That's not—"

Three knocks on Killua's door echoes in the room. Before Killua could shove Gon out the window, the door creaks open.

Gotoh steps inside with a duffel bag in hand. Killua sighs in relief before turning to face him. He rubs an eye with the heel of his hand before greeting Gotoh with a raised brow.

"Is someone coming up?" Killua asks. He could feel Gon staring at his back, but he ignores it for now.

"I've taken the liberty of packing a bag for you, Master Killua," Gotoh announces quietly, making Killua frown.

"For what?" Killua asks, stepping forward, "and when? We've been here the whole time."

"This bag has been packed with essentials for some time now," Gotoh admits before gently placing it on the ground. "It's time for you to go, Master Killua."

Killua eyes the bag before shaking his head. "Gotoh, I can't do that. Alluka—"

"Will be under my protection until you come back to retrieve her."

Tears began to prick Killua's eyes. "But...if the family finds out what you did..."

Gotoh gave a rare smile. "I'll protect her as long as you need." Gotoh walks to the closet and grabs a long-sleeved turtleneck. "There are more in the bag, along with other essentials. It'll be enough." He hands Killua the turtleneck. "You can put this on after I disinfect and bandage your wounds again."

Killua couldn't stop the smile from forming, nor could he stop the tear from sliding down his cheek. Gotoh looks past Killua to stare down Gon, who's been watching the reaction from the window.

"Master Gon," Gotoh greets, "I trust you'll take care of Master Killua until he can retrieve his sister?"

Gon snaps out of his stupor before nodding with a determined look. "You can count on me, sir."

Gotoh gives a tight smile before looking down at Killua. He lets out a sigh as Killua continues to stare at him, dumbfounded.

"Your father wants to talk to you within the hour," Gotoh says, making Killua wince. "I suggest you make haste."

Killua nods, clutching the turtleneck to his bruised chest before looking up at Gotoh again. "Can I hug you?" he manages to rasp out as another tear falls. Gotoh's gentle smile remains as he nods. Killua wastes no time wrapping his arms around Gotoh. Rather than hugging him back, due to the lacerations on Killua's back, Gotoh pats Killua's head.

It was all the thanks he needed.

"Promise me you'll stay out of your family's grasp," Gotoh says gently. Killua nods against the butler's uniform. "And promise, you won't let anything Illumi said stick with you."

Killua pulls away, red in the face. He hated how emotional he allowed himself to be right now. Gotoh pats Killua's hand with a gloved hand before dropping it by his side.

"Let's get you cleaned before you leave, Master Killua," Gotoh suggests. Killua nods in agreement as Gotoh retrieves the medical kit from Killua's bedside.

Gotoh was possibly risking his life by doing this for them. If the family ever discovered Gotoh's involvement...

Killua had never felt so grateful. He wished he had the courage to put it into words. The most he could do was keep his promises and come up with a plan to retrieve Alluka.

Killua turns around to allow Gotoh to help heal his back. He lifts his head to look at Gon, who looked just as grateful. Killua gives a reassuring smile, even as his back stung from the disinfectant.

_It’ll be okay. I’ll come back for Alluka and after that, we’ll find Nanika._

Killua was grateful for the people in his life. He’ll prove it to them, somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summary: Illumi managed to manipulate killua into thinking he and gon’s relationship was just to keep each other from killing themselves. after being brutally hurt the next day, gon manages to sneak into Killua’s room and discover the abuse. the chapter ends with Gotoh helping killua escape with gon. killua promises to come back for alluka and leave for good. 
> 
> note: killua and Gon’s relationship isn’t just an excuse for them to not kill themselves, that was illumi’s manipulation getting into Killua’s head. I’ll warn y’all now, it will be a reoccurring thought. 
> 
> hello! thank you guys so much for reading! I know this was a hard chapter, but it’s over! there will be less pain in the upcoming chapters. I love you all and the support you’ve given for this story.


	15. reason twelve: safe houses and comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: there are few mentions of abuse throughout the chapter. they are marked appropriately with ***
> 
> but we’re back with a slightly happier chapter than last time’s. ngl, I don’t think the story will be as fluffy as it was before chapter 14 for a hot min. sorry about that loves

Gon was understanding, to say the least, when all Killua wanted to do was go to sleep once they arrived at his house. It was so late at night that Gon didn't have to do a quick introduction to Aunt Mito and his grandmother. He'll explain what he can at breakfast before Killua wakes up tomorrow morning.

"Are you okay?" Gon whispers after they snuck into his room. Killua nods and sets the duffel bag Gotoh packed beside the door. His tears dried on the way here. "Okay. I'm gonna go grab some things. Make yourself comfortable on my bed, alright?"

Killua nods again, saying nothing as Gon searches for extra blankets and pillows from the couch. Once he retrieves a pillow and a blanket or two, Gon finds himself surprised to see Killua standing at the edge of his bed, a discarded turtleneck on the floor.

His breath hitches at the sight of Killua's bandaged back. He was glad he couldn't see the bloody slashes like earlier, but the fact they were there at all only angered him. Killua had been going through this for who knows how long, and he hadn't done anything about it.

Gon had a feeling something like that was happening. Killua refused to change in front of him after they played soccer, and he constantly pulled the sleeves of his shirt. There was that time when he walked a little oddly during their 7-11 trip. The signs were all there, but Gon didn't dare to speak up.

But it'll be okay now, right? Killua's here, with him, safe and sound. They'll save Alluka within the next few days and figure it out from there.

"Killua?" He calls out, gaining his friend's attention. Killua jumps just a little, clearly pulled out of whatever thought hole he was in. "Are you okay?"

Killua nods for the third time since they've arrived. "Yeah," he mumbles before tiredly rubbing his eyes. "Yeah, uh, do you have a loose shirt I could borrow? Mine is pretty tight and it kinda hurts..."

"Of course," Gon replies with a tired smile. He drops the blankets and pillows into a pile beside his bed before going through his drawers for one of his t-shirts. Of course, the first thing he pulled out was green. It was a normal t-shirt for Gon, but Killua's lack of bulky muscles would make it loose for the latter. "Does this work?"

Killua gives a small smile before accepting it. "Of course your shirt is green," he chuckles in amusement.

Gon pouts. "It's my favorite color."

"I couldn't tell." Killua slips the shirt on, covering the bruises and bandages. He looks down at the pile of blankets. "Do you get too hot or something?"

"No," Gon answers, grabbing one of them from the pile. He shakes it a bit before laying it down to cover as much area as he can.

Killua stops him from grabbing a pillow by putting a hand on Gon's shoulder. Gon loved feeling Killua's touch. "What are you doing?" Killua asks in confusion.

"I'm setting up space," Gon answers simply with furrowed brows. "I'm not gonna leave your side to sleep on the couch." 

"You don't have to sleep on the floor though," Killua argues. "I'll sleep on the makeshift bed. You take your bed."

"You're hurt and you're my guest," Gon argues, "I'm not taking my bed while you sleep on the floor."

"Well I don't want you on the floor either," Killua sighs. "Why not just...split the bed?"

Gon smiles before leaning forward to press his lips against Killua's forehead. The latter blushes, despite feeling so exhausted.

"You're so sweet, Killua," Gon compliments before kissing both of his cheeks. "But I don't want to accidentally hurt you."

"You won't," Killua argues a little too quickly. "I know our relationship is..." Killua trails off because either he can't say it or he doesn't know.

"I don't want to physically hurt you," Gon sighs.

"I just..." Killua trails off again, choking on his words. Gon waits patiently for the other to express his wants. "I...I really want you next to me. Like, close."

Gon could shout with the ecstasy he was feeling, and he nearly did. But this was a serious moment. Killua required comfort, as he should. Gon was surprised he voiced that much.

"Okay," Gon agrees, setting the pillow down again. "I usually sleep shirtless, is that okay or would you rather I put on a shirt."

Killua's eyes look at the carpeted floor. "Without one is fine." Gon almost didn't hear the mumble. Still, Gon smiles before pressing a quick kiss on Killua's nose.

He pulls his shirt off, leaving on his shorts even if it would be uncomfortable tomorrow morning. Killua's comfort was his top priority at the moment.

"Come on," Gon ushers, allowing Killua to pick which side he wanted. Surprisingly, Killua chose the side closest to the wall. Gon slides in the space beside him, making sure to pull the covers high enough to reach his waist. His arm was awkwardly extended, not sure how close Killua wanted to be. "Did you want a pillow or...?"

Killua scoots closer and Gon doesn't miss the hiss that follows. With hesitation, Killua puts his head on Gon's chest, allowing Gon's arm to wrap around him just a little. He didn't want to pull Killua too close in case he touched the bandages. He made sure Killua's back wasn't touching the bed or wall before letting out a sigh.

Gon was self-aware about his body heat. He knew how warm his skin could get, his friends told him all the time. He was happy Killua trusted him enough to sleep like this. He was even happier to feel Killua snuggle closer. He was practically ecstatic when Killua's arm hesitantly laid itself over his abs, fingers gently grazing his sides. He nearly died when Killua's leg entangled with his.

"Is...is this okay?" Killua asks, looking up at Gon from an awkward angle.

"It's perfect," Gon smiles. "Are you comfortable? Your back's not touching anything, right?"

"I'm okay," Killua mumbles before snuggling against Gon again. He reminded Gon of a cat sleeping comfortably inside as a thunderstorm raged outside. It was cute.

It was a tight squeeze. Two people on a full didn't leave a lot of room, but neither of them minded. It was an excuse to bring them closer, even if it was just to sleep.

————

When Killua woke the next morning, he was surprised to feel the space beside him. There were two reasons for that. One: he didn't expect Gon to be an early-riser, though it makes sense. And two: he didn't wake up when Gon left.

For a moment, he was worried last night was a dream, and he was still in the mansion, awaiting the rest of his punishment.

But the familiar smell of earth reminded Killua he was safe for now. It felt...it felt comfortable. He felt safe, even if he was alone in Gon's room.

Killua pushes himself to a sitting position, making sure his back didn't touch the headboard or the wall. Everything ached, but it didn't sting as badly as it did last night.

What the hell is he supposed to do right now? Is he supposed to go downstairs and act as though he belongs there? Will he need to explain everything to Gon's Aunt Mito? 

The wooden floor outside of Gon's room began to creak, making Killua's breath hitched in anticipation. Someone knocks on the door gently before quickly saying, "Killua? Are you awake?"

 _Idiot_ , Killua insults himself before letting out a sigh, _It's just Gon. Of course it's Gon. You're safe and sound._ He'll worry about their relationship later.

Killua clears his throat before answering with, "yeah."

The door slowly opens, giving Killua every chance to shut it or tell Gon to stay out. Killua does neither of those things and allows Gon to step inside with a reassuring smile.

He was dressed and ready for the day. 

"Hey," Gon greets before sitting on the side of the bed. "How'd you sleep?" 

Killua nods before realizing that's not an answer. "Fine," he finally mumbles out, pulling his knees toward his chest. His back ached as he leaned over, but he ignores it.

"How's your back?"

"Fine." Gon gives a pointed look, waiting for the truth. Killua sighs. "It still stings a little."

"Can I see?"

Killua nods after a few seconds of hesitation. He scoots forward to give himself a little room before turning around. Gon scoots further along the bed as Killua pulls the loose shirt off.

The bandages were still white, which comforted Gon greatly, but he knew they wouldn't stay like that for too long.

He didn't notice he was lightly touching them until Killua winced. "Sorry," Gon apologizes, immediately retracting his hand.

"It's okay," Killua reassures. He didn't mind the touch, he just wishes his skin wasn't so sensitive right now. "How long do we have until I need to change them?"

"We could wait another couple hours to see?" Gon offers. "They're still white now."

Killua nods before turning back around. He forgot about the bruises decorating his front until he noticed Gon's stare burned into him. 

"Sorry," Killua apologizes, reaching for the shirt again. Gon's hand was on top of his before he could lift the shirt.

Gon was staring at the red lines surrounding Killua's wrist. They didn't seem as deep as they were last night, but the marks were prominent. Killua looks down at the bed, avoiding Gon's stare as best as he could.

He could feel Gon lifting his hand to, what he assumed, was to look at it closer. It isn't until lips press against the marks does Killua finally look at Gon in surprise.

He nearly jerked his wrists away. His cheeks were flushed. As weird as it was, it kinda felt nice, in a way.

Gon kisses the other wrist, like a mother kissing her children's wounds (as if Killua would know anything about that). He looks Killua in the eye before tilting his head. "Can I touch you?"

Killua's eyes widen as his cheeks begin to burn. Still, he nods in consent. Gon smiles and Killua would do anything to be the cause of it again.

Fingers gently graze against bruised skin. At first, Killua jumps a little in surprise, but it didn't take too long to relax under Gon's touch.

He didn't poke at the bruises as expected. He just...warmed Killua, in a way. It was soft and gentle, and it made Killua's eyes flutter shut. It felt so nice.

His eyes widen when Gon's lips are gently pressing against the bruises on his upper torso. He would move lower if it wouldn't force Killua to lay on his back.

Gon must've heard Killua's surprise because he stops the gentle kissing to look up at Killua. "I'm sorry," Gon apologizes, "Is this okay?"

Killua's cheeks were burning. He was sure one could properly cook an egg on his cheek if someone tried. He wasn't used to kissing on the lips yet, this was entirely new territory. But Killua loved it.

"Yes," Killua manages to squeak out, and Gon's smiling again. Killua lets out a shaky breath as Gon's lips press against another bruise. _This feels really nice_ , Killua thinks to himself.

Soon enough, Gon's kisses had moved from his upper torso to his collarbone, and soon his neck. Unsure what to do with his hands, he uses one to steady himself behind him and the other to grab Gon's shoulder. Killua lets out a gasp, something he'll be embarrassed about later when Gon kisses against a sensitive spot on his neck. It was followed by a low noise that reminded Killua of a smoother growl. It caused butterflies in his stomach.

Gon immediately pulled away though, worry etched on his face. "Are you okay? I didn't touch your back, did I?"

"No," Killua answers, slightly shaky, "I...sorry."

Gon was confused for a moment before realization quickly set in. He grins before leaning closer. "Did you make that noise because you thought it felt nice?"

"Shut up," Killua mumbles, not looking him in the eye. Killua decides to stare at the wall beside him.

"If you admit it felt nice, I'll do it again?" Gon offers with a cheeky grin. Killua could already feel him leaning closer. Killua's eyes narrow just a bit at the teasing, making Gon chuckle just a little. His chuckling dies down seconds later, and then he's staring at Killua seriously. "We don't have to do anything just because you're here," Gon reassures, "I want you to be comfortable."

"I am," Killua says before he could even think. "Comfortable, I mean. I...I just..."

_I just want to temporarily forget. I want to forget how our relationship is unhealthy and doomed like Illumi said. I want to forget the stinging in my back. I want to forget everything that happened after our date. Please, Gon, make me forget._

Of course, he didn't say any of that out loud, but Gon could sense Killua's need to temporarily forget. Killua had been through too much for who knows how long. He deserves something he wants. If it's romantic time with Gon, then so be it. Gon will do everything in his power to keep Killua happy.

"Okay." Gon grins before tilting his head just a little. "But I want to hear you say it."

Killua frowns, cheeks burning in anticipation. "Say what?"

"Say how nice it felt when I do this." Gon's lips were on that sensitive spot again. This time, light bites followed by a quick apologetic lick were made.

" _Fuck_ ," Killua sighs out, gripping Gon's shoulder tightly.

"Say it." Gon's voice vibrates against his throat before doing it again. Killua makes the same noise as Gon's hand rests on his thigh to steady himself.

"I..." Killua interrupts himself with a gasp. He leans forward more, trying to keep the warmth. "I really...like it when you do that."

Gon struggled to control himself. He didn't want to go too far, especially with everything that's happened, but Killua wanted to forget the past twelve hours.

As much as Gon loved hearing Killua like this, he needs to slow down. Killua needs time to process and to feel safe.

Besides, Aunt Mito has been waiting downstairs with breakfast for fifteen minutes now.

Gon continues to elicit those sweet sounds Killua makes for a few more moments before trailing kisses up Killua's jaw. Finally, he reaches Killua's lips, pressing firmly against them before pulling away before he could deepen it.

"Come on," Gon mumbles against Killua's lips, "we're supposed to go downstairs."

"Don't wanna," Killua mumbles back, looking at Gon with a half-lidded gaze.

"Not even to meet my mother?"

Killua pulls away, looking at Gon with wide eyes and blazing cheeks. _How could I forget about his family?_ Killua thought embarrassingly.

"Your mom?" Killua repeats. "What..." he trails off to look at the hand resting on his thigh. "What does she know?"

"I gave her a basic rundown," Gon admits, "that you're my boyfriend and you needed to stay here for a bit. She doesn't mind, but she wants to meet you."

"So she doesn't know about..." Killua trails off again to turn his head, gesturing lamely to the bandages on his back.

"She doesn't," Gon affirms, "and so far, no one else does. But...I think we should get Leorio to look at your back. He's the closest thing we've got to a doctor—"

"I agree," Killua says softly before meeting Gon's gaze. "He already knew, so I'm okay with him seeing." Gon's brows furrowed, mouth opened to question Killua, but the latter stops him by sliding off the bed. "Come on, I want to meet your mom."

Killua steps past Gon and grabs the duffel bag sitting beside the door. It doesn't take him too long to put on deodorant and brush his teeth, but it does take a little time putting on the turtleneck from last night.

"You can still wear my shirt," Gon offers, grabbing the green t-shirt off the bed.

"She already knows I slept in your bed," Killua argues as he gently pulls the sleeves on first. He manages to pull the rest of the shirt without pain shooting up his back. "I don't want her thinking the wrong thing."

When he pulled his head through the turtleneck, his cheeks were blazing in embarrassment. Talking about these things embarrassed Killua enough. Gon liked seeing how hot he could make Killua's cheeks, but this was Killua's doing.

"But you said the shirt was too tight."

"I'm okay," Killua reassures with a small smile. He pulls the rest of his shirt down. He gestures to the door lamely, not exactly sure of the house's layabout yet. "Lead the way."

Gon stares at him for a few seconds before giving a small smile. "Right." Gon grabs Killua's hands and leads him down the hall in a dash.

Killua lets out a yelp as Gon pulls tugs him down the hall and the stairs loudly. As they descended, Killua could immediately smell the pancakes.

" _Gon_!" A strong voice scolds loudly from the kitchen. "What did I say about stomping around the house like that?"

Gon gives a sheepish grin as he pulls Killua into the quaint little kitchen. A woman with slicked-back red hair faces the stove, flipping multiple pancakes before facing the two. She puts a hand on her hip, using the hand holding the spatula to point at her son.

Killua could see where Gon got his radiance from. She was shining, in a way, like the sun. Even though she was scolding Gon, she has this kindness in her tone.

It was almost too much for Killua to handle.

Gon gives a sheepish grin before rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry, Aunt Mito. I got a little excited now that Killua's awake."

Her stern gaze softens at the sight of the pale boy holding her son's hand. Killua had never felt this shy before. He almost hid behind Gon but urged himself against it.

"Hello, Killua," Aunt Mito greets, putting the spatula down momentarily. "I'm Mito, Gon's mom." She extends her hand for Killua to shake. She was just as warm as Gon was, but her hands were softer. Gon's were far more calloused than hers. "I've heard so much about you."

Killua flushes under the implication before looking at Gon. _Of course, the idiot wasn't embarrassed._

"All good things, I hope," Killua jokes hesitantly before letting go of Mito's hand. She grabs the spatula again and begins to plate the pancakes. Killua's eyes widen at the sight of mini chocolate chips in the pancakes.

"Nothing but," Mito reassures before putting the plate on the island's counter. "Gon thinks very highly of you."

Killua squeezes Gon's hand, receiving a reassuring squeeze in return. He dares himself to look at Gon again, only to be greeted by that smile he's come to love.

"I made some pancakes. Gon says you like chocolate, so I made an extra batch for you." Killua's breath was trapped in his throat. _She did that? For me? Why would she go through the trouble of making a separate batch for someone she's never met?_

"Are you okay?" Gon whispers, getting Killua's attention again. He lets the breath out he's been holding before giving a reassuring smile.

"Yeah," he whispers back before clearing his throat. _Fuck, what do I say?_ Gon pulls him to the table after grabbing the stack of pancakes.

He lets go of Killua's hand and sits him down in the fourth seat. "I'll go get you a fork and syrup," he says before kissing Killua's hair.

Killua didn't have the capacity to be embarrassed at the moment. Everything that happened felt so warm and kind. What did he do to deserve this? These people don't need him imposing like this.

"Here ya go!" Gon says suddenly, laying the fork and syrup beside Killua's plate. He sits beside Killua after putting his plate in front of him. It doesn't take long for Aunt Mito to sit across from Killua with a gentle smile. "Where's Abe?"

"She isn't up yet," Aunt Mito sighs, pouring some syrup on her pancakes. Gon was already digging into his, not needing syrup at all. "I made some extra for her anyway."

Killua finally reached for the syrup, making sure to pour a normal amount so he wouldn't waste anything, before grabbing his fork.

After taking a bite of what was considered heaven, Killua allowed himself to not be so hesitant for the next.

"Killua loves your cooking," Gon says on Killua's behalf. Killua nearly chokes on a bite. "He ate almost the entire cake Friday night!"

"Well thank you, Killua," Mito thanks as if Killua had been the one to say it. "Gon says you love chocolate, so I tried my best."

"It was great," Killua hears himself saying. _Finally! You're saying something right!_ "And so is this."

Mito smiles before taking a bite of her pancakes. After finishing the bite she looks up at Killua. "So, Gon says you're staying with us for a while."

_She wants to know how long I'll be here. That's okay, I'll leave the moment she wants me to. I've already overstayed my welcome, so it's no wonder she wants me to leave._

"I'll be out by tonight," Killua answers almost immediately. "I promise, I just need a couple of hours to figure some things out."

Gon's hand finds Killua's under the table, making the latter nearly fall out of his seat in surprise.

Mito exchanged a look with Gon before looking back at Killua warmly. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. She's sorry? Why is she sorry? I should apologize for being such a burden. "I didn't mean it that way. You can stay as long as you want, Killua. I just wanted to make sure you'd be okay here. Will you forgive me?"

_Forgive her? What's there to forgive? It's my fault for not understanding what she meant._

"Sorry," Killua apologizes, looking down at the pancakes. "I didn't think...sorry." He squeezes Gon's hand tightly, feeling embarrassed and ashamed.

This is Gon's mother, the woman who raised the kindest man Killua's ever met. Of course, she wasn't going to kick him out. She'd never do that unless he was actively harming Gon.

_If Illumi were here, he'd help her realize Gon and I's relationship was doomed. We're just using each other to stay alive, right?_

The thought of his brother made Killua just a little queasy, loosening his grip around Gon's hand. Gon looks over in worry as Mito gets out of her seat.

 _Shit, I messed up_ , Killua thinks as he watches Mito's retreating figure go to the kitchen. His eyes snap down to the plate in front of him again, not wanting to do anything bad.

Gon squeezes Killua's hand, trying to coax his friend to look at him. "Killua? What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Killua lies, but it sounded so choked. He knew Gon didn't believe him. "I promise, I'm fine." 

"No, you're not, what's wrong?"

Before Killua could say anything, a glass of water is placed in front of him. He jumps in surprise before looking at the culprit. Mito's worried look greets him, making Killua let out a shaky breath.

"I got you some water," she says, giving a reassuring smile. "Would you mind drinking some?"

Once again, Killua had to remind himself that this was coming from the woman who raised literal joy. She would never harm him. She wouldn't poison his drink like his family has a few times. She wouldn't tighten zip ties around his wrists until they bled. She wouldn't allow butler's or his family to lash out at him until he bled.

Killua was safe. Killua was safe. Killua was safe.

He takes a deep breath, feeling a thumb rub reassuring circles into his skin. Killua grabs the glass of water before taking a sip. It helped.

"Thank you," he mumbles out quickly, too embarrassed to look her in the eye. He takes another sip of the water. "I'm sorry. I..."

"Do you need to rest a little more?" Mito asks, looking at the part of Killua's that isn't hidden. "Gon said you two got in pretty late, and I know it's early for a teenage boy." She chuckles a little at the end.

It wasn't a bad idea, to go back to sleep. Killua did feel a little tired. He'd only been awake for maybe forty-five minutes tops. It was a good forty-five minutes, but Killua could feel the need to sleep.

"You've got dark circles," Gon points out. Killua wouldn't know. He didn't want to look at himself in the mirror when he brushed his teeth. Gon squeezes Killua's hand again.

Killua nods. "Yeah...I should probably get a little more sleep." As ashamed as he felt for being so rude to Mito, he looked her in the eye. "Uh, I'm sorry. I..."

"You go get some rest," Mito instructs before looking at Gon. "I can't _believe_ you woke him up before he was ready!"

" _Huh_? I didn't!" Gon exclaims, letting go of Killua's hand momentarily. "Killua was awake when I walked in!"

Killua gives a tired smile at the argument. He enjoyed watching Gon freak out officer his mother’s scolding. He doesn’t get to see an embarrassed blush that often.

_I’ll have to fix that someday._

“Okay! I’ll take him back upstairs now!” Gon gives before grabbing Killua’s hand again. Killua stands before taking another sip of his water. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“No funny business,” Mito chides as they start ascending the stairs. “Killua looks too tired to be dealing with that right now!”

“ _Aunt Mito!_ ” Gon whines, trying to pull Killua toward his room even faster now. Once they got to the second floor, Gon’s embarrassment subsided. He tightens his grip on Killua’s hand, making sure their fingers were intertwined as they stepped inside his room again.

“What was wrong?” Gon asks once the door shuts behind him. “You were okay before we went downstairs. Did something happen?”

Killua looks down at the hands, a small smile forming as Gon’s thumb rubs soothing circles. “I’m sorry, I—”

“Stop apologizing and tell me how I can fix it,” Gon interrupts. Killua looks into the honey-amber eyes, seeing nothing but sheer determination. It makes him smile.

“It’s nothing you need to fix,” Killua reassures softly, “I was just...overwhelmed, I guess. Your mom’s really nice, ‘s all.”

He could see the gears in Gon’s head turning. It takes another few moments for Gon to remember that Killua wasn’t used to basic kindness from most people.

“I can ask her to—”

“No,” Killua interrupts immediately. “No, don’t ask her to do anything. I...I like that she’s nice.”

Gon practically beams. Killua was surprised, for some reason, to receive a chaste kiss. Gon doesn’t pull away too far. “She likes you,” Gon reassures, “I can tell. She just wants to make sure you’re okay.”

Killua’s cheeks heat up just a bit.

“Do you want help taking off your shirt?” Gon asks, fingers grazing at the end of the navy turtleneck.

 _Anything to keep your hands on me_. The thought came out of nowhere, surprising Killua.

 _What the hell?_ He thinks in contradiction. _Liking someone should elicit thoughts like that, should it? Or...is it something else..._

“Yeah,” Killua lets out, making Gon grin. As Gon starts to lift the shirt, inviting warm air to Killua’s exposed skin, Killua lifts his arms enough to help Gon out. He didn’t feel too embarrassed to be acting like a child at the moment. Maybe it was because Gon’s gaze never left his eyes. 

Until they did...and landed on Killua’s neck.

Gon grins, making Killua frown as the former slowly reaches to touch the bruises dotting Killua’s neck. Killua flinches away in surprise, making Gon quickly his hand away. His smile doesn’t fall. In fact, it somehow widens.

“What the hell are you doing?” Killua asks, putting his hand against his neck.

“Admiring my work,” Gon admits proudly.Killua flushes. “They’re so pretty against your skin, Killua.”

“Idiot,” Killua scoffs, turning away. _Great. Now I gotta hide these too._

“Your dark circles weren’t this bad the other day,” Gon says, discarding the turtleneck to the floor. Killua sighs at the dirtied shirt. “Not to say you don’t have a reason for it, I was just—”

_Just trying to justify me going to sleep right now._

“I get it,” Killua reassures with a smile. He initiates contact by putting a hand against Gon’s cheek. The latter immediately leans into the touch, a certain glow emitting from his smile. Killua leans closer, pressing his lips against Gon’s for a few seconds before he pulls away again. “I’ll try not to make you wait too long.”

“Take all the time you need,” Gon says, opening his eyes again. “I’ll save your pancakes for later.”

————

*vague mentions of abuse until the end of the chapter*

When Gon left Killua alone in his room, he made his way back downstairs to finish breakfast with his mother. Aunt Mito, who’d already put Killua’s pancakes in the fridge, was sitting alone at the table to finish her own.

“I’m back!” Gon announces, an extra bounce in his step as he grins at Mito. He kisses her cheek before sitting in his spot again.

“Is Killua okay?” Mito asks after putting her fork down. “Poor thing looked so tired.”

“Killua’s strong,” Gon reassures with a smile. “He’s...he’s independent and strong and sometimes it worries me, but he’s been handling himself for so many years now.”

Mito sighs beside Gon, making Gon look over at her. She seemed relaxed just before her expression turned into worry. “Gon, I noticed something earlier...”

Gon’s grin falters just slightly. He had a feeling it had something to do with why Gon brought him back.

“Killua,” Mito continues before looking at the seat he sat in earlier, “when he was grabbing the water, his sleeves pulled up just a little. It was enough to see his wrists.”

Gon lets out a shuddering breath. He’d seen Killua wrists too many times in the past twelve hours. How red and irritated they looked. Killua would probably leave if Mito said anything to him about it.

Gon didn’t know he was crying until a tear was sliding down his cheek and Mito was dabbing at his eyes with a napkin.

“They’re so horrible, mama,” Gon lets out, voice shaking at the thought. “His family is horrible. Killua doesn’t deserve the things they do.”

“Gon,” Mito lets out before turning her chair and opening her arms. Gon gets out of his chair and falls to his knees to wrap his arms around her. “It’s okay,” she whispers, rubbing soothing circles in his back. “It’ll be okay.”

“They hurt him really badly,” Gon continues, attempting to keep his cries quiet so Killua won’t head. “I just...I just want to protect him. He deserves so much more.”

“I know he does,” Mito agrees. Gon notices how her voice sounds just a little choked. “He seems like such a sweet kid.” Gon looks up, seeing the tear fall down his mother’s cheek through blurry vision. She starts petting the spikes that are his hair. “But Gon, I need you to tell me his plan. I’d love to have Killua here for as long as possible, but...”

_It won’t be too long until the Zoldycks come looking for him here._

Gon wipes away at his tears before sniffling a little too loudly. “He wants to rescue his sister before she’s shipped away this week,” Gon recalls. “H-He’s so brave for wanting to go back there for his sister...”

“Killua seems very strong,” Mito agrees, wiping away her own tear. “Does he have a plan for afterward?”

Gon shrugs, looking down at Mito’s skirt. “He hasn’t told me anything, but I think he plans on running away. He’ll want to stay hidden until he’s eighteen.”

“And what will you do?”

Gon looks back up again. The familiar determination glints. “I’ll support him any way I can. I want to keep Killua and his sister safe, no matter what.” He grips Mito’s skirt with thick fingers. “I love him too much to leave him with his family again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for the support so far, as always. I can’t believe there’s only five chapters left (well, four and a thank you note to even it out). y’all have given incredible feedback for this and I couldn’t be more grateful.
> 
> and I just posted a very angsty one shot so good luck if you stumble upon that

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y’all enjoyed my first fic for this fandom! I want to try my best to do right by these characters.


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